Am I ready??

I recieved an email back from academic advising and found out that I can't take another term off. I would have to withdraw and then when ready be reinstated. I took the leave of absence to figure out what I want. I know that counseling is a decent fit, but I find myself doubting that choice. Part of the reason for the doubt is fear. I'm afraid that I won't make it through and get my degree. ANd that my mental health will suffer being in the field. Do I have enough resources to make it through? and then the question of "will I choose to be reinstated?" Will I go back if I choose to withdraw?

It's a huge choice. My options are to return back end of August or take more time off. I don't know when I have to decide by. I'm in the process of finding answers.

Or another option is to wait on my education and continue where I am, gaining more experience. And then it hits me, a wave of emotion that I'm not even coming up with a word to describe it. The honest truth is I don't know, but I do know recovery is possible. Then I think of all the people that I could help return to humanity by compassion and empathy.

I want to be a force for good, to undo my past and be able to say, "I got this" Am I ready ?

Perhaps a question that might be able to help you is: do you have a better option if you don't finish your degree?

I don't have a better option. I'd be stuck. Honestly, I'm scared. I've had to make some tough calls today. I do have two weeks to think about my decision.

Another thought came to mind today. I'm going to make mistakes. I have to expect those mistakes to happen. And to be okay when they do happen.

I feel trapped.

I'm stuck. I don't even know my end goal. Does it matter how I get to nowhere, no. Something has to change. But not knowing what I want is bringing up not good thoughts. And I've had these thoughts for years. I want freedom from them!!! I'm desperate but not enough to change. I feel hopeless, and worthless. Just like all the bullies told me.

On top of what I felt yesterday, I have to deal with a tooth abscess. I'm eating less today. I feel like crap. I I'm tempted to call my t but I wouldn't consider it a crisis. It's yellow flags, but they may turn into red. I was able to get an antibiotic, and will seek treatment tomorrow for the abscess.

Ah, I am sorry if that was crap advice. My therapist said that to me the other day and it honestly made me mad. I don't know why I said it here.

Edit: I don't even know if I'm going to finish my own degree, so I can empathize with this.

It's okay. There's a lot going on that has humans stressed. I bet some animals sense it too.

My jaw is not happy, and it took two dentists to get the truth. One listened and the other just wanted to get on with his day. From all my stress, I've been grinding my teeth causing the muscles to react. I did find a night guard and I hope it helps. I have it in now.

This afternoon was tough! I did make a call into t. He helped to say hey one step at a time, and that decision can wait. And then I left my home got cash for my car, and did drive farther. My jaw started to hurt so I came home. I have the fan on, and the night guard in. I'm trying not to look for a new job. I'm unhappy and stressed. I need a change. I hope tonight goes okay and I can stay home. I'm just on edge right now and I need relaxation.

Sounds like you are going through an exceedingly difficult time right now and you still have to decide on what to do? You mentioned not having an alternate option if you don't pursue a career in Counselling.


I also notice you mentioning that one of your motivations for becoming a counsellor is a drive to help and empathise with others. I wonder what your overall goal might be. Is this direction the only way you feel you can help others?


Which ever direction you choose I am sure it will be the right one for you.

I have thought of other helping areas, like a doctorate in psychology. When I looked at the requirements for getting in, I'm not sure I can qualify. And there are a few number if spots available at each program. It could take years to get in. In the past I thought about accounting, but the tests where too difficult and worth 70% of the total grade. Needless to say I transferred to music. Then when an injury happened I had to rethink that choice and I went with psychology to better understand myself. And that was the first two years of undergrad. After I graduated with my bachelor's, I found a job working with those who are tried by development issues. That's when I fell in love with helping. It filled a need for connection, something I didn't have because I didn't trust friends. I had someone stab me in the back and that resulted in changing schools and that's when I decompensated farther.

Even putting this on PC is hard! I'm fearful of making friends because of so much hurt, and therefore I went into the helping field to get a need met. When applying for jobs, I have few references. I feel lonely but I'm scared to make friends and professional relationships.

I'm not even sure how to make friends now and not push them away. And admitting that is like a knife to the heart. It hurts. My sponsor is encouraging me to reach out to others to talk and find out how the other person's day is, but that seems like it will hurt me in the end.

Yet I know that continuing with my degree will bring growth. I am concerned about getting everything in, and completed. But I am also concerned about not having much to do. When I am bored I reach for addictive behavior and that isn't helping me make friends. In the end I push those people away too.

Writing this has been helpful yet hard and painful. Part of this was sparked by a question that my t asked me, "what are you getting from your clients?" The truth is each person helps me grow a bit and I am empowered by helping them improve. When that doesn't happen I get frustrated and want to end the relationships. I am transferring some of my issues to them, countertransference.

I don't know how to get everything in between work and my studies and continuing education for work, and choose to make friends. Yet I wonder if I have my needs met, would I still choose this degree program. Other dreams have not worked out, and I need something to work. I am desperate. But I am hopeful that this will help one person her on PC.

No matter how desperate I feel, I can still make the choice to connect with others, and push them away less.

It looks like you have explored a range of options and you’ve found counselling feels best for you right now because it can potentially satisfy a need you have. It sounds like you feel lonely because you are unable to make meaningful connections with people and there it sounds like comes a fear, a fear of perhaps being hurt like you was before. You mention the transference/countertransference relationship, so there is a sense of awareness of your inner process as well. Is there a sense that your past is perhaps influencing a sort of caution in approaching people?

I relate to some of the things you’ve said here, especially around loneliness, trust, fear of getting hurt and betrayal. I do see that you are making progress, both with your own self exploration and with your therapists’ feedback. I agree with you that you can still make a choice, you have the power of choice.

Thank you for sharing on PC, I can see it hasn’t been easy for you to open up about the difficulties you’ve had to face and are facing right now.