[socialschiz]

My goal is to work on my communication skills and feel less awkward in doing so. I find myself at a loss of how to respond most of the time. There's a lot of thoughts going on but I go blank when I have to respond, especially if it's in real time. As for emails and forums like this it takes me time to form what I wanna say. Any tips or can anyone else relate and if so what are some techniques for dealing with this

[hvert]

Yeah, I can relate to going blank. Practice has been good for me. I've been putting myself in situations that go a bit beyond my comfort level and sort of desensitizing myself.

I still slip into my quiet habits, but I am really trying to challenge myself to stop that behavior.

[socialschiz]

That's what I'm attempting as well and its not easy. I often come across as strange and then people don't know how to respond to me! Practice practice practice

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by socialschiz

I find myself at a loss of how to respond most of the time. There's a lot of thoughts going on but I go blank when I have to respond, especially if it's in real time.

Hey... please be gentle on yourself - I have looked at the About section on your profile on this site, and you have a few things going that do NOT make communication an easy-breezy exercise in social graces.

For example, you listed dissociation; well, if you struggle with grounding and anchoring yourself to the present moment and your present environment, that probably takes quite a bit of energy on your part. So when a person who is not saddled with dissociation simply LISTENS, focusing on what is being said, you need to GROUND yourself AND LISTEN. Twice the effort. That probably means that you listen less attentively, and that, in turn, causes you to be at a loss as to how to respond.

What is the #1 requirement for forming a good response? Understanding what was said. So listening skills come first and trump everything else. If you dissociate during the time when your conversation partner is talking, you do not focus on what is being said - listening comprehension suffers. Then anxiety might kick in, making you completely at a loss.

There is another thing that MIGHT be going on. You did not report it, but it has been reported a lot by folks in similar predicaments, both on here and in RL anxiety groups and meetups I attend. So let me describe it. If it fits your profile, I will have some suggestions. If it does not fit, we will just forget about it.

So... here goes.

People who have social anxiety, schizotypal, or are just plain too self-conscious, embarrassed, etc. due to low self-esteem, poor parenting, or position of the stars... THINK OF WHAT THEY ARE GOING TO SAY WHEN THEY LISTEN.

And that pretty much kills it. It takes the focus and attention away from what is being said, in a frantic and futile attempt to rehearse, ahead of time, what the response will be. And then such people are always running after a speeding train, because that internal preoccupation and rehearsing makes it that much harder to follow the train of thought of the party that is currently doing the talking. Plus, such people view the party that is currently doing the talking as a judge - they think about what to say and how that response they are rehearsing will be viewed. But... that shortchanges the party who is talking - that party does not get the empathetic listening all humans deserve.

So, given that you have a lot of conditions that make communications challenging, I would advise you to narrow your goal DRASTICALLY. Do not plan to work on improving communication skillS, in plural. Work on improving one skill - that of attentive, empathetic listening. Do not respond verbally or respond with very simple verbal cues that only show that you follow the train of thought, and, when appropriate, empathize with the emotion expressed by your conversation partner. Good words to use are:

- sure
- I see
- Oh wow!
- oh my goodness!
- really??
- That is what she said?! I never would have thought it possible...
- Are you kidding me?
- Happy to hear thaat!
- yup
- shyt happens
- I am totally with you on this
and many more - you see where this is going.

So these are helpful WORDS and WORD COMBINATIONS.

There are also helpful non-verbal tools.

- Appropriate eye contact (we can talk more about what it is)
- nodding (but not randomly - nodding by way of showing that you follow the train of thought intellectually AND are empathetic to the expressed feelings emotionally
- having an interested facial expression and changing it in a way that befits the flow of conversation: smile, frown, express disbelief, etc.

That is plenty of homework and enough for practice makes perfect. Just a note of caution - since people like attention, if you get really good at empathetic listening, you might find your social schedule filling up rather quickly .

Best of luck and once again, just be gentle and doing it one step at a time. Plus, try to have fun doing this.

[socialschiz]

Hey that's some good practical advice. Its not overwhelming like I was trying to do at first. Everything at once. This way I focus on one thing at a time and it starts with listening properly. I often either drift off or think of what to respond when people are talking and I'm gonna work on being more attentive. As for nodding, eye contact and an interested facial expression, that scares me. I have blunted affect and it all comes across so forced which seems fake to others. Either I nod continuously which looks ridiculous so then i stop and I have no expression and I'm asked what's wrong. Same thing with an interested facial expression, It doesn't come naturally even though Im interested in what is being said I don't know what to do with my face. I feel like a fraud sometimes. So much energy goes into what or what not to do and that's a lot of stress.

I do a lot of research into the psychology of disorders and I understand why I am the way I am or do the things I do but that understanding does nothing to make communication easier. If anything, when im talking with someone im thinking can they tell how messed up my expressions and body language is? So it kinda made it worse because it added another layer of discomfort. I think your homework for me will definitely help and I'm gonna put effort into this because I'm tired of being so awkward all the time.

Are you willing to give me advice for each step and let me know which steps to take and in what order? I'm a mess in all those areas you mentioned. I have a feeling there's more but that you went easy on me.

[hamster-bamster]

I went easy on you because I wanted to model going easy on you for YOU!

What you are describing with the blunted affect probably is caused by your PD (schizotypal). I know very well what you are talking about - I have seen such men. for some reason I have not seen such women - go figure. My first thought on this is the following: try paying attention to one thing (to avoid being distracted and overwhelmed) - distance between two conversation partners. Observe how other people talk and try to tease out what the comfortable distance is as other people talk. You seem very analytical, so just imagine that you are recording data into your brain each time you see two people talk, and then run some data analysis in your head to determine what the typical distance is. Of course, this does not include fights or kissing - just neutral conversations.

If you do that, keep yourself at that comfortable distance in your own conversations, you would avoid the awkwardness of having a "wide stare" while being too close to a person you are listening too. As for nodding, stop nodding continuously and in general stop nodding for now, and just listen to the cadence of human speech. Nodding meaningfully is for the most part just a matter of getting the rhythm right. Imagine an orchestra playing and the drummer does not drum continuously, nor does he drum randomly - he does the drumming at peak moments in the flow of the music played by the orchestra. So in human speech, people either nod fairly continuously but rhythmically (so nodding continuously without making people thing that you are a fraud or are messed up IS possible, and such nodding is a habit of some people - women more often than men, in my experience, but you need to be in sync with the rhythm of what is being said, so that takes us back to the homework of attentive listening), or, they nod at crescendo moments (to discern when they happen, again, you need to listen attentively).

I know it is a lot.

Let me just add that one man whom I know with this blunted affect is a successful professional who recently got married and is quite happy in both his personal and work life.

[socialschiz]

I'm very grateful for your time and advice. I wrote down some notes and will be trying these things out. I don't know where you got all this knowledge about all this or if it just comes naturally to you but your very well informed. What you say makes so much sense.

I've never seen blunted affect on another women either. The Schizo Pd's are mostly men. I've looked into it and I can't find information as to why that is. I guess I'm somewhat unique! Poker players would kill for my expressionless face. I can hear something shocking and not a muscle twitches. Its very strange.

I'll let you know how its coming along after I try this out. Again, thank you so much

[hamster-bamster]

Just to let you know - your type is common among computer geeks. Not sure what your age is and if you have already chosen an occupation, but if you have not, then it is good to know that people with your PD advance well in some professions. Just not in customer service or motivational speaking, but you know it already .

[socialschiz]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Just to let you know - your type is common among computer geeks. Not sure what your age is and if you have already chosen an occupation, but if you have not, then it is good to know that people with your PD advance well in some professions. Just not in customer service or motivational speaking, but you know it already .

Omg! I have 8.5 years experience in customer service. I worked for an online casino. And I was good. That's the thing, if its not face to face and not personal, I handle myself well. Its face to face that's the problem. I feel vulnerable. I don't know what to do with myself. Also, the Schizo traits I have got much worse after a few consecutive traumatic experiences. It got so severe that I've had to take a break from working and am only now working on things. I'm 34 and my twenties were not as bad as my thirties. Normally people progress but I'm the exception to the rule it seems. I'm telling you, I'm a special blend of crazy. My Doctor can't figure me out and neither can I.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by socialschiz

Omg! I have 8.5 years experience in customer service. I worked for an online casino. And I was good. That's the thing, if its not face to face and not personal, I handle myself well. Its face to face that's the problem. I feel vulnerable. I don't know what to do with myself. Also, the Schizo traits I have got much worse after a few consecutive traumatic experiences. It got so severe that I've had to take a break from working and am only now working on things. I'm 34 and my twenties were not as bad as my thirties. Normally people progress but I'm the exception to the rule it seems. I'm telling you, I'm a special blend of crazy. My Doctor can't figure me out and neither can I.

I have to give it to you - you ARE a very unusual case. But at least the Doctor gets to exercise his or her brain figuring you out! You should ask for a reduced fee from the Dr. - you are giving the Dr. a formidable puzzle to solve, and solving puzzles is supposed to protect from dementia, so YOU are doing a service to the DOCTOR .

I think you have tremendous insight and have identified two things:

1) personal vs professional
2) face-to-face versus not face-to-face

With (1), you are right that personal conversations make you vulnerable. In professional conversations, you have already learned the ropes, for one, so you feel confident, and, for another, your ego, sensibilities, etc. are not so much involved. So personal conversations are harder. They are also less predictable than conversations with customers. But you have got the skill - at least before the traumatic event, you had the skill of talking to customers.

With (2), again, you identified the issue correctly - being vulnerable; plus, the blunted affect thing harms you in face-to-face encounters, so written exchanges feel probably feel way safer. And you do not need to read the facial expressions of your conversation partners.

[socialschiz]

Asides from the obvious issues, I like that I'm an unusual case. There's always something new to look into and read about but thats where the "fun" ends. I have a Psychiatrist and I'm fortunate enough for that service to be covered because I'm in Canada but I'm looking into getting a Psychologist at a clinic that offers psychosocial services which is also covered but has a lengthy waiting list. My Psychiatrist let's me skirt the issues and maneuver around not opening up and really talking about what's going on. Its all kept on a very superficial level. I see her about once a month for 40 minutes and she asks about my meds and how my month went. I have tried at times to express certain issues and she doesn't know how to respond, saying things like, I know that its difficult for you but your intelligent so I know you can handle this. She's extremely incompetent and its so frustrating. I may do my own inquiries into my psychological makeup and have an understanding of certain aspects but I'm not able to figure it all out myself and do the work of a professional in helping myself. I feel very alone.

As for work, I've been off for a while and I'm not sure I would be able to go out everyday and maintain a stable schedule just yet. I dont get too anxious but I dread having to interact with others in person like work colleagues and even hiding behind the anonymity of a cubicle and phone overwhelms me. This weekend I have to attend my neighbor's son's birthday dinner. I play soccer and Monopoly with the little guy and he asked his parents if I could attend and I don't know how the hell to act around 3 kids and 2 adults all at once. Its one thing to play sports or board games with a six year old because his older brothers ignore him and he always asks me to play, but its another having to deal with the whole family at a sit down dinner. I'm used to the neighborly conversations we have outside about the dog and weather and what's happening in our area. This is a different dynamic and I'm at a loss. Also, they speak French, which I do speak but I have trouble understanding and I'm always asking for them to repeat themselves. What a conundrum! I have to sit down and converse in a language that I have only basic comprehension of. I'm gonna have to write your step by step advice on my arm. I'm making things light hearted but I'm freaking out. This is gonna be a hell of a challenge but I'm gonna implement your advice and go from there.

I feel very at ease telling you all these things. Your easy to open up to. I'd like a buddy who understands and I'd like to keep in contact with you. I'd like to know a bit more about you but I didn't wanna pry. Totally up to you.

[hamster-bamster]

Sorry I have been too busy!

So, I think you need homework. Basically, I see the following:

- your English is native and your French is at the reading/speaking competency level but your listening comprehension in French is less than optimal. right? quite less than optimal since you have to ask people to repeat themselves

- your one-on-one interactions that are focused on something (Monopoly) go with much more ease than group interactions that basically are chit-chat and do not have a clearly defined focus. So it is the nebulous nature of group conversations among people who do not know each other well, and, especially, across age groups, that gives you trouble.

We also know that the neighbor's son keeps asking you to play Monopoly with him, which means that you are a good buddy to him.

If the above indeed are our facts, how about the following homework that sort of aims at killing two birds at once:

Go into a French speaking area of the town. Go into stores and make very small talk with the shop assistants or store owners, in French. Buy something small and simple if you feel pressured not to leave empty-handed but not otherwise. Do not ask people to repeat what they have said; rather, if you do not understand what they are saying, ask them right away to speak more slowly. Currently you are letting people talk and then asking them to talk again. You can simply ask them to speak more slowly from the get go.

If you go to a souvenir store, do the following:

"My neighbor's son invited me to his birthday. He is turning 6. Do you think this magnet would be kind of cool for a 6 year old boy?" - it does not have to be a magnet - just something small and inexpensive.

OR

"I think I am going to get this one, but you have it in three colors and I cannot decide. What would you choose for a 6 year old boy?"

They would be happy to help you and then you should thank them with precision, i.e. not just "thank you", but "oh thanks so much, I could not have managed without your help! I am sure the birthday boy would be delighted when he unwraps this gift."

If you are in a grocery store in a French area, you can ask the store clerk for the French names of fruit if you do not already know them. "Oh, your persimmons look sooo good. How do you call them in French?"

If you actually know the names of fruit in French, you can still make small talk, but instead of "How do you call them in French?" you would say: "And in French, if I am not mistaken, they are called....Right?"

When you leave a store, always say: "Have a good day" or its appropriate alternative in French.

I think that these tiny steps would help. I am sorry the psychiatrist is not more helpful - she is probably overworked and overwhelmed by the a large client load.

[socialschiz]

I actually attended the party over the weekend and as the kids were running around playing, I mostly interacted with the adults which put me a little more at ease as that was one less communication issue to tackle. I only knew my neighbor's and there were about 12 people there and everybody was very good at making me feel welcome and included me in the conversations. This greatly helped but as the evening went on I found myself unable to focus on everything that was being said and was only able to catch certain words and connect things from there. I did use your earlier suggestions about facial expressions, nodding and short verbal responses to imply that I'm interested and that went rather well. It's when I open my damn mouth that I messed up. It wasn't what I said but how it came out. My response thoughts were not the same as my verbal responses. Overall, I did much better than I normally do and your homework for me was a big help.

Even though the event has passed, I'm going to make a point to make more small talk while doing errands and shopping as this can only assist me in being more comfortable when communicating in the future. Forward and up!

[hamster-bamster]

Forward and up!!!

[ladytiger]

I am so glad this came up. This is also my main goal as I used to be very outgoing long ago until my parents killed that trait off sending me to become a mute only spoke when spoken too. I have taken 2 communication classes in college and I have been getting better. I can't seem to relate to people on certain things since I didn't go through it or whatever. The problem I have with communication is someone else is talking and all I do is listen as they don't give me time to get a word in. People would say I do too much listening, but my mind and eyes do wonder else and people have taken that as like you have somewhere to go.

I have a problem with eye contact simply because all of my life of the dirty, evil stares I have gotten from my parents and others like they are out to get me. It's not easy for me to look at people in the eye. I know my social worker told me to tell myself that it isn't an evil look, i have this thing of where I look down while talking and shouldn't do that. Is it strange to be bashful when speaking to someone? I would speak to certain people and would just smile or sometimes if I need to ask someone something I would smile - why is that? I want to be outgoing again, I'd like to host parties and can't be a scared little girl while trying to host a party. My speech isn't so great, I stutter on simple words like my lips get glued when I say a certain word and then people look at me like you can't speak good. Sorry, English is the only language I know and was taught wasn't taught any other language (that would have been nice).

At work, I am in a situation where I am need to be social. It's hard in meetings when I speak as I sound monotone and can't look at my coworkers in the eye in a group setting. I have always had a hard time with concentration and very hard for me to focus when listening to others. I have been working on listening skills since I do answer phones at work. Am I odd or crazy for reading communication books like crazy? Why can't I be outgoing? I don't like the introverted me that isn't me that only became me after years of sheltering and abuse from parents. I'd like to have a life with great friends that I can count on who will be there for me. I shouldn't have to accept the "introverted" part because it isn't something I am proud of.

I am too quiet when speaking to people and turn my head quickly after I said hello. It is part of having trust issues, but I am going crazy reading books trying to find "answer."

[hamster-bamster]

Ladytiger, tough! Your parents certainly made it tough for you. Very tough.

You described how people do not give you time to get your word in. You also described having a very hard time focusing when listening to others.

those two things MIGHT be related. When one conversation partner is actively listening to the other, being concentrated on the other, then the eye contact, the rhythmical nodding or whatever else is used to signal the understanding of what is being said, then those nods and that eye contact help create natural pauses in which to get a word in. But if the listening partner is listening monotonously (you can listen monotonously just as you can speak monotonously), the talking partner just keeps talking because she is not getting the signal to stop.

If that is what is going on with you, then it is not the case that you listen too much, but is the case that you do not listen attentively and actively enough.

But that is a matter of practice and skill building - you will get there.

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

Play for time - ask questions, ask for explanations - it will show you are interested and you get a breathing space so to speak.

[Perna]

There are generally patterns as to what is said to one? I would just make a list of the 10 most obvious questions I'm asked and come up with stock replies and make them open ended so I can talk more about a subject and it will have a better chance of being one I like?

"What do you do for a living?" -- I'm in school studying X. That way you can talk about X if you get stuck. You know about X so your mind won't go as blank.

"How are you?" -- I'm great! I'm in school studying X and hope to start the first nonprofit on Mars

"How are you?" -- I'm great! What have you been up to? (puts the focus back on the other person)

Just do a few back and forths on paper based on what has actually happened? practice asking the other person questions about themselves and come up with "bizarre" answers like nonprofits on Mars and then pick up on what the other person says and what you would find interesting about that and what you would ask next, etc.

[ladytiger]

I have been working on my communication skills for a long time and seem to be getting people. I don't seem to have a lot to talk about, why? I don't have a career; I do work it is part time and would be trying to start a career later in life (almost 29 yrs old got my degree 4 yrs ago). I don't have many hobbies only the ones from high school, there are some I want to revive and get new hobbies. I don't have a lot of career experience, no travel experience, no college experiences even though i went to college, etc still living at home hoping to transition into full time and move out, want to do a collateral with someone. what is so interesting about me?

I don't really care to talk about the fools who raised me as that isn't even important at my age yet I have to tell people I live with "roommates." Family is a horrible topic for me to talk about nothing but a very dark history/story, what is there to actually say? I think I have mentioned eye contact before, but I look down a lot when I approach someone and with listening skills I seem to be in my own world instead of the hear and now.

I am reading this communication book by Larry King which is good. People don't give me enough time to finish a sentence. When I speak, my lips seem to get sealed shut at certain words to the point the air doesn't get all the way out of my mouth and it looks like I have a speech/stuttering problem. I want to be able to have my own place and host parties/get togethers be social and enjoy life like I used to be able to as a kid getting to know people. I am not sure where I fit in with people, I certainly don't want to be the introvert who whines about life.

I can't seem to keep a conversation going long enough as there seems to be too much pauses between me and the other person. Is it just me or am I reading way too much books on communication skills that is making me crazy?! You know, in jobs, they want you to have good communication skills or excellent communication skills. I need sound better in job interviews than before....