*sighs* Please reply. I'm in need of some support... *triggering*

Okay, I know I have another thread up, but I have now ruined it, feel stupid going back into it...

I want to take more Tramadol.
I want to binge drink.
I want to cut.
I want to punch myself black and blue.
I want to purge.
I want to starve.
I want to fade the hell away.

I'm so sick of this "family".
They hurt me so much. They are so horrible. I can't believe I'm actually related to them. I really can't. They are so damn neglectful and abusive and mean. We have some good days, but recently, more bad days than I can handle.
I'm so sick of my head. It's so screwed up. I've got so much crap going on. So many things "wrong" with me. I'm just so sick of being inside my head. I wish I was someone else. I'm so tired of it all.
I'm so sick of my health. I'm sick of being ill. I've been ill now for almost 6 months. I'm so tired of it. I've been waiting for so long for an appointment to be arranged with a CFS/ME specialist, and I've heard NOTHING.
I'm so sick of reality. Must I explain this one?

I ain't gonna cry.
I ain't even got the strength right now.
Despite how much I want to cry.

Hardly anyone can handle me
Because I'm just some screw up.
Yeah, that's right.
Some.Screw.Up.

~~~~~
I long...for solitude...
and peace...
Within me...
Void... of all the anger...
and fear...
~~~~~

So many emotions.
So many thoughts.
Gah!


(P.S. I hope it is okay I used the italics/bold/underline/etc for this post, it just makes it more powerful on some things... Sorry if it bugs anyone...)

Thanks for reading...

(((pupp))) you're stronger than your urges, you can stay safe I believe in it. Sorry if I get a little technical, but... You don't want to take more tramadol (unless physical pain kills you) and you definitelly don't want to mix it with alcohol. Been there, done that, trust me, no matter how low you feel, you don't want this. I'm sorry about your health, is there any way you could speed up meeting with the docs?
You can tell me about your family if you want to, feel free to PM if you need, i'll be online for most of the next 8 hours.

oh, forgot one thing. It's OK to cry, it should make you feel at least a little better

I have been taking the tramadol for months, my doctor prescribed it to me. It helps. It's the only thing that does help. So... I'm not going to stop taking it.

And, no there is no way to speed things up. I tried, they didn't do anything, I have to wait.

And I pretty much explained about my "family". I'm not saying anything else, just that they neglect, abuse and hurt me. A lot. I'm so sick of it. I'm so tired of it.

I want to hurt myself so badly.

I'm SO sorry. I shouldn't have.

I'm a prick. I know. Which is why i have no freinds.

Im sorry.



I have cut 3 times today and all i wanna do is get a cigarette and a load of vodka and some freinds and just drink ourselves to death. But I dont have any.

And I dont have any vodka.

Been ill for one year. Im angry and fruustrated.

So sorry. Really am. You're going through ****ing tough times as well.

Sorry.

I'm sure you have friends on here. It is hard to make and keep friends when you are unwell. I know. I have trouble with that, too. Don't worry about what happened between us.

I don't think your friends would let you drink yourself to death, let alone both of you. I'm glad you don't have any. I'm sorry you felt the need to harm yourself today, I hope you keep the wounds clean and protected. Infections aren't pretty or nice at all. Please try to keep yourself safe.

Good. I'm glad you don't. You don't need that poison. I sense strength in you. You don't need that vodka. At all. It'll only make things worse...

I know how that anger and frustration feels. I'm sorry you have to experience it.

It's fine. I've been going through tough times for years now, I'm used to it now... which I guess is a bad thing... and yet I struggle to cope, and it is getting worse, and worse, and I'm considering just fading away into oblivion.(which would consist of starving, purging, cutting, drinking, popping pills, etc)

~sighs~

I am really not in a safe, good mindset.
I'm struggling.
I hate my mind.
~curls up in the corner~

Thank you. Lots of them for you, too.

I didnt actually mean drink until we die.

"just drink ourselves to death"

What does this mean then?

Anyway, I'd appreciate support right now.
I guess I don't deserve it, though.
I haven't really been a good person here.

Not sure. But my mum uses it in things like that. Like 'You scared me to death' and stuff. You know I really am not sure of the meaning :/

Pupp, you have said that you have been in therapy for a long time. I know that when I got better that I had to sort through everything and make sense of myself so that I could function better. To do this I had to start at step one and then work slowly through everything. Everyone's first step is going to be different. Each person has to find their own first step. I am here to support you in your journey if you like............

(((Pupp))) and (((in the darkness))))

brings in blankets to wrap up in and pillows to punch if needs be - sitting with you -

im so sorry you guys are in a bad place - Pupp can you live somewhere else? are you seeing a T - forgive me if I have asked before - my memory sucks

Please try and do somthing other than hurt yourselves - I know its hard not to - sleep if you can - somtimes it loos better the next day - sending you both gentle hugs

I barely sleep good. I have insomnia like sleeping difficulties.

And I don't see anyone. I have been seeing CAMHS since I was 7 but no longer see anyone now. They're useless. I don't like them much. ~sighs~

~curls up with my teddy bear and the blanket~

I AM battling things MYSELF.
I have NO professional help.
I battle things by MYSELF with help of my adoptive father and hardly any friends no support from my "family" instead abuse/neglect

I want to cry my eyes out.

Now I can't stop...
this is why I hate crying...
why I don't want to cry...
because I can't...stop...

you will stop crying - it may take a long time but you will - is there any chance you can see a therapist/psychologist? a good one can help - a good one has helped me -

you sad your step dad is helping you I am glad of that - please take care of you

My post said nothing about battling. My post talked about sorting through things in a methodical way in order to figure things out.

Pupp, I'm going to be honest with you here. I have read many people reaching out to you here (on anxiety forum too), me included, and you are sort of lashing out at us because I guess we are performing for you in the right way?............

(((pupp)))

of course you are going to feel like crap if your family is abusing you. instead of turning more hatred inwards, you need to seek help to get out of that situation. i dont know how old you are, but i do know there will be services targeted at your age group to make sure you can stay in a safe environment. they can probably also link you up with professional support to help you through this.

stop battling, pupp. start accepting help to get you through a situation that most people need help with.

Wow, this really sums up a lot here.............

just forget it.

(((PUPP)))) It's obvious you are really overwhelmed and struggling. All those self harming behaviors you listed prove that... you don't really want to do those things...you really do want something to change your life though.

You can't choose your family. Not sure I would want anyone else's though either. lol
You aren't responsible for their actions or behavior, however stupid or ignorant it may be.
You can begin to take control of your own responses though, and work to ease the impact of family pushing any buttons you may have.

Is it easy? No. Is it worth it? YES!

You are not a horrible person because of what others suggest (if they do.) You are not unworthy just because... of anything! Self harming behavior is coping mechanisms pure and simple. When you find other ways to cope, healthy ways that you can find through CBT for example, then the self harming coping will lessen. From self harming to self caring. It can be done.

I'm not putting you down here, only offering suggestions that when you are able to think and work on them, will help you, ok? Try eliminating the words that are negative such as "can't."
Do thought stopping or countering out loud when they sneak into your mind or mouth.
Think about what you thought when you said "can't" (or other negative) and see if you can rephrase it. Saying "I can but I don't want to" will make a big difference over time. No, no one wants to live through bad experiences, but to say you can't puts you in the hole at the start. You deserve more. You have great potential imo because you are working on it simply by posting here. Keep going! You're on the right path!

thanks sky...im sorry... i reach out for help.support then my walls snap up.
im sorry

No apologies necessary. I'm glad you were here when you reached out. Glad I was here too.

Pupp,

Ease up on yourself.

Maybe it would help to cry some, but I know it is hard to let yourself cry sometimes.

EJ