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#1
Jul 19, 2009, 09:40 PM
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The same post is below, it's more readable because the font is larger!
 On Wednesday while I was sleeping during the night, I dreamed that I committed suicide, but wasn’t happy once I did it. The suicide was successful, but I was still not happy. I didn’t even feel the great satisfaction when I self-harm in real life. I dreamed that I just couldn’t cope with my life anymore and that I just couldn’t move on, so to make things move along, I took my life so that the world would be happier without me and that life could go on. I guess that I dreamed about it because I’ve been so suicidal deep in my emotions that are hidden. I don’t know exactly why I can’t talk the feelings out, but I really feel them. The risks have been at top notch high. I don’t know what to do with myself or why I’m like this. I wish that everything could change like I could take a few steps back in life. I’m trying to get a hold of myself, but it’s so hard to right now. I’m getting so restless to the point of when I’m having all these insane panic attacks. I’m so upset and mad, filling my emotions with rage and fury, but mainly suicide. I guess that I’m not talking about these issues very intensely because they are just too painful to share and talk about. I guess that the emotional pain is causing me to have a lot of trouble talking about suicide because I’m afraid of what the effects will be if and when I talk about it. They’re so deep that I’m just totally afraid of sharing or letting them out of myself. I wonder if I’m ever going to become “normal” and not having these crazy thoughts, feelings, and sensations. I’m so tired of being here and not understanding myself, this is pushing me past my limit. The pain is killing me and I’m strong in the belief that I will end up killing myself. It’s a difficult concept to understand, but it is in my mind and cannot be freed. I’ve tried so hard to push all of this away, but it’s piled high enough to create another wall of bricks pushing me and prohibiting me from winning the game because the wall is there and magic isn’t going to push it away. I guess that nothing will. It’s inside me, but will not leave from my mind  because it’s trapped so deeplyI'm sorry for posting this, but I have no help right now and just need to let some things escape me  dance59326
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"Life is like photography, you use the negatives to develop"
"When the world says 'Give up,' Hope whispers 'Try it one more time'" ~ Unknown "To dwell in the here and the now does not mean you never think about the past or responsibility, plan for the future. The idea is simply not to allow yourself to get lost in regrets about past or worries about the past or worries about the future. If you are firmly in the present moment, the past can be an object of inquiry, the object of your mindfulness by looking into the past, but you are still grounded in the present moment"  Thich Nhat Hanh |
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#2
Jul 19, 2009, 09:42 PM
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On Wednesday while I was sleeping during the night, I dreamed that I committed suicide, but wasn’t happy once I did it. The suicide was successful, but I was still not happy. I didn’t even feel the great satisfaction when I self-harm in real life. I dreamed that I just couldn’t cope with my life anymore and that I just couldn’t move on, so to make things move along, I took my life so that the world would be happier without me and that life could go on. I guess that I dreamed about it because I’ve been so suicidal deep in my emotions that are hidden. I don’t know exactly why I can’t talk the feelings out, but I really feel them. The risks have been at top notch high. I don’t know what to do with myself or why I’m like this. I wish that everything could change like I could take a few steps back in life. I’m trying to get a hold of myself, but it’s so hard to right now. I’m getting so restless to the point of when I’m having all these insane panic attacks. I’m so upset and mad, filling my emotions with rage and fury, but mainly suicide. I guess that I’m not talking about these issues very intensely because they are just too painful to share and talk about. I guess that the emotional pain is causing me to have a lot of trouble talking about suicide because I’m afraid of what the effects will be if and when I talk about it. They’re so deep that I’m just totally afraid of sharing or letting them out of myself. I wonder if I’m ever going to become “normal” and not having these crazy thoughts, feelings, and sensations. I’m so tired of being here and not understanding myself, this is pushing me past my limit. The pain is killing me and I’m strong in the belief that I will end up killing myself. It’s a difficult concept to understand, but it is in my mind and cannot be freed. I’ve tried so hard to push all of this away, but it’s piled high enough to create another wall of bricks pushing me and prohibiting me from winning the game because the wall is there and magic isn’t going to push it away. I guess that nothing will. It’s inside me, but will not leave from my mind because it’s trapped so deeplyI'm sorry for posting this, but I have no help right now and just need to let some things escape me dance59326
__________________
"Life is like photography, you use the negatives to develop"
"When the world says 'Give up,' Hope whispers 'Try it one more time'" ~ Unknown "To dwell in the here and the now does not mean you never think about the past or responsibility, plan for the future. The idea is simply not to allow yourself to get lost in regrets about past or worries about the past or worries about the future. If you are firmly in the present moment, the past can be an object of inquiry, the object of your mindfulness by looking into the past, but you are still grounded in the present moment" Thich Nhat Hanh |
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#3
Jul 19, 2009, 10:07 PM
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I'm sorry! How are you doing now? Please take care.
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#4
Jul 19, 2009, 10:43 PM
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Quote:
not good at all, doing very bad, therapist is on vacation, but is doing a "staycation"
__________________
"Life is like photography, you use the negatives to develop"
"When the world says 'Give up,' Hope whispers 'Try it one more time'" ~ Unknown "To dwell in the here and the now does not mean you never think about the past or responsibility, plan for the future. The idea is simply not to allow yourself to get lost in regrets about past or worries about the past or worries about the future. If you are firmly in the present moment, the past can be an object of inquiry, the object of your mindfulness by looking into the past, but you are still grounded in the present moment" Thich Nhat Hanh |
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#5
Jul 20, 2009, 06:37 AM
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Quote:
(((((Dance))))) I'm sorry you feel this way. This dream is just telling you what you're really thinking - though it seems that you know you're thinking it anyway. Are you seeing a therapist? I know it can be hard to talk about your problems face-to-face, but talking to a therapist could really help, especially since you're mostly making this post to vent feelings. Quote:
Taking a few steps back is the last thing you want to do right now. Sorry, I can't finish making this post. I have to go do something. Email me at sargeant[dot]angua[at]gmail[dot]com if you want to talk. I'll get back to you ASAP. I hope you're feeling better.  |
 dance59326
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#6
Jul 21, 2009, 08:45 PM
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(((((((((((((((((((((((dance)))))))))))))))))))))) Please do whatever you need to stay safe. I know how hard it is to believe but things do get better. Know I am here and I care. Please feel free to PM me anytime.
BB
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#7
Jul 22, 2009, 08:17 AM
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((((Dance ))))
I am so sorry you are feeling this way - and Im sorry t is away whenyou need him. In the past I felt .....well that there was no healing - but I am still here - t helped me - it was a struggle and it was not easy - but it can be done - you can do it - you can get through this - you can make it out the otehr side - T can help you i know the dream was scary - and it seems like the truth but its not - its your mind telling you that these things are on your mind - I am glad you have reached out here - keep reaching out - it really does help. Please stay safe. P7 
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Its not how many times you fall down that counts  its how many times you get back up!  (Thanks to fenrir for my Picture  )When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly. by Patrick Overton, author and poet |
| dance59326
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