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#1
Aug 29, 2009, 01:36 AM
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I really want to cut right now... My boyfriend refuses to leave me alone for a minute because he can tell that I want to do it. So I can't reach my tools... But I really want to cut.... I feel like I am crazy. My psychiatrists realized I have a lot more than just depression. I am taking anti-depressants and anti-psychotics... But I still relapse. tonight i relapsed really bad.
I went with my boyfriend to his friends house. I didn't realize that there were going to be so many people at his friends place. So, as usual, I started to panic not even ten minutes after we got there. So my boyfriend, once again, had to make up some random excuse to explain to his friend why we had to leave. Then when we leave I start crying and screaming and blaming my boyfriend. He almost took me back to the hospital tonight. This would have been the third time this year that I was hospitilized for my mental illness... I hate myself. I hate that I can't do normal things. His friends don't realize that I am sick, so they just assume I am a *****... I know that they know that I am the reason why my boyfriend never gets to hang out anymore. I hate myself. I hate myself for being crazy. Hate myself for ruining my boyfriends life. Hate myself for taking things out on my boyfriend. Hate myself for being such a burden on everyone. I have managed to push away all of my friends and now I feel like I am pushing away my Boyfriend's friends. Now I hate myself and I am so sad.... So mad at myself... I just have such a strong urge to cut.... I know I probably will the minute my boyfriend falls asleep... Last edited by Christina86; Aug 31, 2009 at 01:15 AM. Reason: added trigger icon |
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#2
Aug 29, 2009, 01:55 PM
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 ((((((((((((((((cgonzales)))))))))))))) I know how difficult it is to tolerate such feelings. The urge to cut is really bad, but have you tried to talk to your boyfriend to let some things go and you can vent. If I'm in a large crowd I also panic. Trying to stay "cool" is really hard. Have you tried self-talk, deep breathing, imagery to see yourself in a different setting. Has your boyfriend talked to his friends briefly of your condition??? Maybe if they knew something they wouldn't find it so shoking when you have a panic attack. You could ask him to talk nonchalantly to his friends. And he could express it that he wants to let them have a "heads up" so that they can be more accepting and be more delicate when they see your different emotions. Please take care and talk if you need to here on PC.  dance59326 
__________________
"Life is like photography, you use the negatives to develop"
"When the world says 'Give up,' Hope whispers 'Try it one more time'" ~ Unknown "To dwell in the here and the now does not mean you never think about the past or responsibility, plan for the future. The idea is simply not to allow yourself to get lost in regrets about past or worries about the past or worries about the future. If you are firmly in the present moment, the past can be an object of inquiry, the object of your mindfulness by looking into the past, but you are still grounded in the present moment" Thich Nhat Hanh |
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#3
Aug 29, 2009, 03:06 PM
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[/quote]
No he has not talked to his friends.... In fact he left me last night.... I have already cut up both my wrists.... We have been together for two years. He was my only friend and my best friend.... But he finally could not take it anymore.... So now I am all alone.... He was already talking to his mother about marrying me... Now it will never happen... And now i want to die Last edited by Christina86; Aug 31, 2009 at 01:15 AM. Reason: added trigger icon |
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#4
Aug 29, 2009, 05:53 PM
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Wow, it sounds like you have so much going on and that as much as your boyfriend wants to help and is supportive you kinda need to deal with what is going on with you. I know that sounds easier said than done but you have already been to the hospital 3 times this year - seems like you have a lot of stuff that you are trying to work on.
Are you working with a therapist? Both for medication and/or therapy. I know for me I am in the middle of a lot of things and as supportive and wonderful as my friends are they are no substitute for my therapy. It's hard but so they tell me it's worth it. Also, as far as all this hating yourself. I can relate to hating myself for everything I do and everyone I think that I am hurting but - YOU ARE DOING THE BEST THAT YOU CAN DO RIGHT NOW. Sounds like you are reacting to a lot of things and it's more natural for me to hate myself but reluctantly I am learning about this child in me who didn't do anything wrong and does not deserve to be hated. Do you think that you can find 5 minutes to try to be kind to yourself. To do something that you enjoy and gives you pleasure. Basically be kinder to yourself. You are not hurting anyone on purpose - mostly hurting yourself and you don't have to appologize to anyone for that. You are suffering and in a great deal of pain. Please find a professional and start to talk this stuff out. We are here for you and will provide all the support you need - and help you find ways to stop beating yourself up. |
 Sannah
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#5
Aug 30, 2009, 08:11 PM
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(((((((((((((((((((((cgonzales)))))))))))))))))))) I'm sorry to hear all about what happened as an aftermath. I'm questioning your boyfriend's loyalty because he was talking about marrying you, yet he left you after another emotional struggle. This doesn't seem like he knows how to help enough. If you have a therapist are you able to talk about different issues in therapy? Are you taking any medications to help your conditions? Please try to stay safe. Use a chat line here on PC in the Support Room, call a confidential mental health number where you can vent and try to push through what hurts you emotionally. Even for that split second. It's not good to hurt yourself, but even more is how to prevent it. How are you doing today? dance59326
__________________
"Life is like photography, you use the negatives to develop"
"When the world says 'Give up,' Hope whispers 'Try it one more time'" ~ Unknown "To dwell in the here and the now does not mean you never think about the past or responsibility, plan for the future. The idea is simply not to allow yourself to get lost in regrets about past or worries about the past or worries about the future. If you are firmly in the present moment, the past can be an object of inquiry, the object of your mindfulness by looking into the past, but you are still grounded in the present moment" Thich Nhat Hanh |
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#6
Aug 31, 2009, 01:23 AM
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I know how stressful it can be around people - especially when we're not doing well ourselves. Please don't cut, you deserve better than that. It sounds like your boyfriend DOES care about you, but doesn't know how to help in the best way possible. Perhaps he should do some research into helping those who struggle with self-injury or cutting? I'm glad you've got a psychiatrist willing to help you out - but trying to find the right meds and the right dosages is only part of the battle. Do you have a therapist/counsellor? If you don't - it's much easier to deal with self-injury (and related stuff, like depression) when we've got someone to talk to who is a mental health professional. Ask your psychiatrist for a referral if you don't have anyone right now. Maybe you do need another stint in the hospital, but talk to your psychiatrist first. They'll be better to help you. If you can't see them SOON (like within a week or two) then yes, go to the hospital if it helps. It's not that you're not trying to get through this yourself, but sometimes we need extra support that only inpatient treatment can help. You are not a burden. If you were a burden, your boyfriend would have left you. He's stuck by you, and that means he cares about you. Get the help you need. You deserve it.
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#7
Aug 31, 2009, 03:28 PM
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(((((((((((((((((((((cgonzales)))))))))))))))))))) How are you doing today??? dance59326
__________________
"Life is like photography, you use the negatives to develop"
"When the world says 'Give up,' Hope whispers 'Try it one more time'" ~ Unknown "To dwell in the here and the now does not mean you never think about the past or responsibility, plan for the future. The idea is simply not to allow yourself to get lost in regrets about past or worries about the past or worries about the future. If you are firmly in the present moment, the past can be an object of inquiry, the object of your mindfulness by looking into the past, but you are still grounded in the present moment" Thich Nhat Hanh |
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#8
Sep 01, 2009, 11:19 AM
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__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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