[BlueMoon6]

I feel like a complete and total f*** up. I cant seem to get any sort of time away from doing this. Nothing can help me.

[Sannah]

Hi Clk, do you want to talk more about it???

[BlueMoon6]

I do- I dont know what to say. I made a mess I shouldnt have. I should just allow myself my feelings. I am overwhelmed. With h issues and this t issue.

[Sannah]

Do you want to explain more so that you can make sense of it?

[Lost71]

Ok, first...you are not a total ****-up, hun. Like you said, you got a lot going on, you're overwhelmed and coping the only way you know how atm. Please don't ever give up, there is always hope!

Here for you if you wish, hun.

Many hugs

[BlueMoon6]

Thanks Lost and Sannah. I feel overwhelmed and I have these moments where I cannot take it anymore. I asked my h for something he really could have given me. When he said he didnt want to I felt awful. No matter what else is going on, my h can trigger such painful feelings in me. I dont even know what those feelings are or where they come from. Childhood...or whatever....he can bring up feelings of self-hate for me. Im overwhelmed with other things, but I have been handling it without cutting, but when my h acts like this, I get overwhelmed with some kind of un-named feeling. I dont even know what it is. Maybe that is why I do it- I dont want to look at what the feeling is. I just want it to go away and be off somewhere else in my head. Its too painful to even try without cutting.

[Lost71]

clk, are you seeing anyone like a therapist or counsellor at the minute? Someone who can help you with these feelings so you can learn to be safe, hun? xox

[BlueMoon6]

I am seeing someone but I am trying to find someone else. She doesnt seem to understand what I need. Its a difficult process. And its difficult b/c Im very attached to her but she isnt the t for me and I have to at least try to find a better match for me.

[DoggyBonz]

you are not f-ing up - you are doing the best you can with the resources you have at your disposal. sounds like you are going through a lot between stuff with your h and trying to find a better match in a therapist. this is hard stuff - if it were'nt we would not be on this board. you have nothing to beat yourself up over and if you keep pushing on you will get through this.

is there anyway you can take a time out and go for a walk. think about what you would say to a friend who is going through this. think about all the compassion and empathy you would show them? can you go to a playground where little children are playing and realize that as frustrated as you are with yourself right now you were once little and would NEVER tell them that they are bad and deserve to hate themselves.

i am going through not hating that child within right now. realizing that she was afraid and did the best she could. when i want to cut i think about hurting her and blaming her for things she did not do. i know that sounds like a lot but you are doing the best you can right now.

please find a way to be gentle to yourself for at least 5 minutes. you are reacting to the situation and in time you will learn to act in a more effective way. but for now...be gentle...there is a lot going on...

[BlueMoon6]

Thank you Doggy- your post made me cry. I feel bad for my little hurt girl inside of me and I dont want to hurt her.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by clk6

I asked my h for something he really could have given me. When he said he didnt want to I felt awful.

my h can trigger such painful feelings in me.

I dont even know what those feelings are or where they come from. Childhood...or whatever....he can bring up feelings of self-hate for me.

but when my h acts like this, I get overwhelmed with some kind of un-named feeling. I dont even know what it is. Maybe that is why I do it- I dont want to look at what the feeling is. I just want it to go away and be off somewhere else in my head. Its too painful to even try without cutting.

Sounds like you know very well what is going on with you about this. This is very good. I guess to resolve it you will need to examine those feelings that you are avoiding. I know that you are waiting for a better T right now (and I read your thread in the Psych forum and I agree with you, she doesn't sound like a good T for you). Examining feelings from the past sometimes needs good support.......... (I think that T can't deal with your feelings because she has never dealt with her own. Just my opinion.......)

[BlueMoon6]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Sounds like you know very well what is going on with you about this. This is very good. I guess to resolve it you will need to examine those feelings that you are avoiding. I know that you are waiting for a better T right now (and I read your thread in the Psych forum and I agree with you, she doesn't sound like a good T for you). Examining feelings from the past sometimes needs good support.......... (I think that T can't deal with your feelings because she has never dealt with her own. Just my opinion.......)

I agree Sannah. I feel guilty and sorry for her that I am leaving. I feel like even tho she has done a lot of weird things, she has put time, effort and caring into me and now I will leave her. But I cut more b/c of my h. I think. Or maybe it was the last straw. I dont know. I feel very strong urges tonight to cut. I cant say if I will but I dont want to and I think the only way not to will be to talk to my h (not about cutting) and be on good terms. We are not on good terms this past week. Im tryng. If I dont consciously try not to I will do it. If I keep it in my mind that I dont want to then it will be easier. I dont know if this makes any sense.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by BlueMoon6

I feel guilty and sorry for her that I am leaving. I feel like even tho she has done a lot of weird things, she has put time, effort and caring into me and now I will leave her.

She can take care of herself...........

How are you today? Did you talk to your husband?

[BlueMoon6]

Thanks Sannah. My h and I are on better terms so Im OK. Its a problem for my moods to depend on him. Im better...no SI urges. Now Im over controlling food.

I will be posting for sure when the time comes about how to talk to my t when I leave. I have to find a good t though. I dont mind overlapping a little. I have an appt next week with someone. I hope it works out b/c this t has a lot of qualities I like.

[Sannah]

I am glad that you are feeling better. I hope this therapist works out to be a good match for you........