releave the pressure

I keep seeing myself in the shower, hurting myself. I have the urges to do it.
I am constantly worrying , ruminating and obsessing and it is a lot of pressure. I keep thinking if I could cut myself and cut deep it would relieve the pressure.

But I CAN’T do that. I live with my mother now and all of that blood would upset her so much. I don’t want to do that to her.

But I need relief.

Maybe you should trying drawing. That has actually helped me.

Is there anything that you need to talk about that could relieve the pressure?

we are here for you. please talk it helps

I obsess about being a liar & faker of my mental illness. I can’t stop. Now my pdoc has decided to re-assess my diagnoses, thru psych testing, records from other doctors, interviews and history from me. I’m afraid she will find nothing wrong, and tat will prove the intrusive thoughts have been right all along. I have had these diagnoses for 25 years & have been through a lot (hospitals, meds, shock treatments…) and my full time job has always been managing my illnesses. If I’ve wasted 25 years and tons of resources, I don’t know if I could live with myself.
The intrusive thoughts were bad enough; now that I’m going to be re-assessed I am 10 times as bad.
It feels like a lot of pressure. That is why I want to cut. To relieve the pressure.
But I don’t want to because of people’s reactions—mainly my families.

So you feel that this reassessment is really a questioning if anything is really wrong?

Yes that is how it feels.

I have been assured by the pdoc that is just to see what DX is correct, but i don't believe it.

Do you understand why you feel this way?

yes because the thoughts in my head tell me so.

Berries, i don't know what mental illnesses you have but i don't think that you can equate your reassessment now with your initial assessments from 25 yrs ago. What was assessed to be true then doesn't make it any less true if it is not found to be the case now. So many things have changed in 25yrs, the diagnostic criteria, our understanding of different mental illnesses (thank goodness!), the treatments offered....i'm betting just about everything...up to and including you has changed. You haven't wasted years and resources. Just because things change because they are categorised differently by some random medical professionals, doesn't mean everything that you have been through is a lie. It is the truth, it is your truth.
take care of yourself rather that hurting yourself further.

[quote=Abby;1138931]Berries, i don't know what mental illnesses you have but i don't think that you can equate your reassessment now with your initial assessments from 25 yrs ago. What was assessed to be true then doesn't make it any less true if it is not found to be the case now. So many things have changed in 25yrs, the diagnostic criteria, our understanding of different mental illnesses (thank goodness!), the treatments offered....i'm betting just about everything...up to and including you has changed. You haven't wasted years and resources. Just because things change because they are categorised differently by some random medical professionals, doesn't mean everything that you have been through is a lie. It is the truth, it is your truth.

Thank you, Abby That makes so much sense to me. It really helps. thank you!

It might seem like it would relieve the pressure but it won't. You can't replace emotional pain with physical pain or injury.

Harming yourself is a good way to end up in the psych ward for a few days, a better way to get yourself there is to go check yourself in, not have the Dr at the Emergency Room sew you up, then have you locked up "for observation"

And I have to wonder how many people who only meant to hurt themselves a bit, ended up doing far more. I don't just mean ending up dead, but permanent nerve damage, or cutting a tendon or something like that.

All of your thoughts have a source how they formed.