It's all I want to do...

Thoughts are getting more intense I don't know how much longer I can put it off..

Pardon my ignorance here, Jacq; SI has never been one of my coping mechanisms. If you just let yourself have those thoughts and feelings, and don't do anything about them, and notice what comes up next -- then what?

If I let myself have these thoughts... the I WILL SI for sure. Along with those thoughts comes a nice dose of anxiety and just being overwhelmed by life.

Can't have these thoughts.... only problem is, my distractions aren't really working... and i'm home by myself...

Don't do it!!! You'll have to find interesting ways to hide it!! Being in corporate america, people treat you differently when there are scars on your arms....by your major blood vessels.

Think about the good things in life, they might be as small as "I do have really awesome hair" to big things like "I'm alive today."

Every time I hurt myself it makes me feel worse. I feel ashamed and that I've let everyone down, because I can't control my feelings, or the actions that come from those feelings.

And that is why I'm out on disability right now, because my thoughts overwhelm me....

I can remember feeling anxious and overwhelmed and invariably thinking that I mustn't feel that way for any number of reasons: that feeling that way was bad for me; that it must mean there was something wrong with me (that I needed to fix somehow); that it prevented me from doing whatever I should be doing; that it would freak out anyone else who found out I felt that way; that it stopped me from reaching out and making contact with anyone.

More recently I've noticed that what works best for me when I feel lonely or depressed or anxious or overwhelmed is to (1.) notice and acknowledge that I feel that way; (2.) not believe whatever I'm thinking has to happen as the logical consequence; (3.) not get distracted into doing anything just to make those thoughts/feelings go away; and (4.) keep doing whatever is in front of me to do, "putting one foot in front of the other." If I didn't feel that way I'd (post something at PC, pay some bills, answer an e-mail, keep an appointment, work on my car, go grocery shopping), all things that are going to support me in the long run. If I can feel that way and keep on doing those things, it takes a lot of the significance and "charge" off feeling that way and some things that support me get done and the messes that would result from not doing them don't get made and there's that much less to trigger a new cycle of upset for me.

Admittedly I didn't go from one way of operating to the other overnight. It did take some practice, it wasn't especially comfortable, and it didn't always look like it was working the way it was supposed to (I dealt with the last part just by not supposing lol).

Have you ever come across the notion that whatever we resist, we get more of? That's always seemed to apply to me; how does it fit (or not) with your own experience?

I, too, am ignorant about the mechanisms that drive SI [I am quite familiar with self-destructive behaviors, but I know that's different]. What activities can you lose yourself in? Does being around others help? What if you stayed around others and/or concentrated on what they were involved in, even those here at PC? Just a thought from an ignorant one. But I Care ~ billieJ

Too late....

I disgust myself.

.............................................................

(((((((Jacq)))))))
For me, that ^ would serve to keep the cycle going, maybe even escalate it.

((((((((((((Jacq)))))))))))

I'm sorry dearheart.

You are NOT NOT NOT disgusting. Self injury is freaking addictive, it's not your fault that it seems like there's no way out. Please be kind to yourself... you do deserve much good stuff in your life.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((jacq10))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

ok you got triggered by somthing and you hurt yourself - you are not disgusting - you did the best you could - the thing to do now is NOT beat yourself up about it - that will only prlong the cycle and make you want to hurt more - YOU DID THE BEST YOU COULD DO AT THE TIME - and as my T would and did say to me often lol you can do better next time.

Do you know what triggered you?

Can you get yourself an emergency box for next time - fill it with ideas of what to do instead of hurting yourself - print out the stickies at the top of the forum - reading them through can somtimes help to slow things down - pit pictures in of places you love or people you love - happy places you like to go to - a book to read - a dvd - comedy - chick flick whatever will occupy you and make you feel brighter -

I ahve one - i covered it with sparkly glitter inside and out - it is so bright its glary - but i dont care - you need somthing to breach the darkness - and the box cansomtimes do that

try drawing lines where you cut and pretending thats what you are doing - write down every word that comes into your head and then tear it up - - please dont hurt yourself again - come back here and talk - go to support chat - ring a friend - family member - help line - just try not to hurt yourself please

P7

Well its now the next morning, and I have a pdocs appt in about an hour.... ugh I don't want to have to tell her that I haven't been doing well... its been over 4 months since I saw her and this is what I have to report back. great.

Thank you all for the kind words... not sure I deserve them, but I'll try and keep them in mind.

sigh.

J

hi Jacq10 - good luck for your pdoc appt - make sure you do tellher whats happened that way she cna help you - she will not think badly of you - she willl be glad that you could tell her -

please let us know how you go and take care

remember you are worthwhile and you do deserve good things in life like being helped by your pdoc

P7

hope your appointment goes well. Maybe you could ask for appointments more often. Don't feel too bad about the SI. U are trying really hard not to. I think you should be proud that you reached out for support before you sh.

((((jacq10))))

Hope your appointment goes well!

well ... I didn't tell her

But its ok... I semi-told her how I have been feeling (it had been a while since we last spoke). She put me on a new med (at my request) - Zoloft. Hopefully it will do the trick... I have yet to have a med that actually does a whole yet of a lot

Library all day today... woot.

hey you sound like youre in a safer place so thats good.

Mys siter is on Zoloft and she says its good.

I tried it but changed to Cymbalta whicih seems to work for me - good luck and keep in touch.

P7

thank you for saying that. I DO feel in a safer place and I am happy to say that I am. I guess I'm a little more optimistic that this new med will help things out.

Thanks phoenix

im glad things are looking up for you and i hope the new meds help

take care P7