[DoggyBonz]

Hi,

This could be a trigger for some...so please take care of yourself. I'm sorry if it is...just needed some help.

So I have been working on not SI'ing with a blade and have not used one in about 5 months. The last time things got really bad was when my T's spouse died from cancer and I freaked - not sure about what but after but I ended up needing about 15 stitches.

I really needed to go in today and got a call this morning saying T's brother was dying and needed to cancel.

There is a lot going on and I have been in pretty bad panic. I know I must really self centered and I am but right now I am pretty scared and just want to get through this w/o cutting, purging or taking too many meds.
I feel really horrible for T and sent an email sending my condolences - I feel like a monster b/c I am thinking about myself, I know that is so wrong.

Between the urges to cut and the panic I am freaked.

Thanks for reading...any thoughts on how to distract myself are very welcomed.

Also with all the unstructured time coming up it's making me even more nervous...

[shezbut]

(((DoggyBonz)))

Has your T recommended another T to see, or talk to, when you are in crisis? If so, it's worth giving him/her a shot to help you work through the distress.

Don't apologize for needing help when your T is going through his/her emotional drama. Their need to step out for a bit does not put your problem/s down. It simply means that they need some time off to work through their own things. Your problems aren't considered to be trivial. So, you can let go of that worry.

Hope that you manage to make it through your T's break okay. Best wishes!
Shez

[Christina86]

((((((((DoggyBonz))))))))))

Does your T have another replacement or emergency T you could talk to instead?

With a lot going on and this happening - it's got to be quite a shock. I'm sorry that T had to cancel on you. You are not self centered, we all need support and it's not your fault that things are happening in your Ts life and you're not a bad person for wanting T to be there to help you deal with stuff.

You are NOT a monster, you are human.

For tips on things you can do to distract yourself, have you read the pinned topic on things you can do instead of SIng? I'd recommend checking that out and reading it through looking for ideas.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by DoggyBonz

The last time things got really bad was when my T's spouse died from cancer and I freaked -

I really needed to go in today and got a call this morning saying T's brother was dying and needed to cancel.

I feel really horrible for T and sent an email sending my condolences

Also with all the unstructured time coming up it's making me even more nervous...

Hi Doggy, I am sorry that all of this is going on. I think it helps to understand what is going on so I hope you don't mind me asking you a few questions so that maybe you can understand yourself better and this can help. Are these the things that are bothering you? 1) You feel bad for T and this just adds to you already feeling bad in general? 2) You feel bad because you will miss an appt. and you really depend on and need the support? (and there is nothing wrong with this!!! Your needs don't stop just because your T has a need that pops up).

Is the unstructured time due to T being gone for a bit now?

[DoggyBonz]

Hi,
Thank you to everyone that has replied. I appreciate it so much. My T does not have someone that covers during abscence and I don't think I would feel comfortable anyway. I know that most do but this is not the case.
The unstructured time also has to do with I decided to leave my job and the holidays so the panic and urge to SI is higher anyway.
I did speak with my T yesterday and found out that brother had died so will not be around.
Yes, I do depend on T too much in some ways and we have discussed this but given what I am dealing with T was not surprised and found it completely normal.
When I talked yesterday I felt like this horrible person and told her I could not tell her what was going on b/c of all that she is dealing with. T totally negated this and told me she was an adult and could handle whatever is going on.
I just am scared b/c I don't want to do anything wrong and the panic, urge to take too much meds, and SI is strong right now.

Thanks again for giving me some suggestions. I just hate being so needy and dependant!

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by DoggyBonz

I just am scared b/c I don't want to do anything wrong and the panic, urge to take too much meds, and SI is strong right now.

I just hate being so needy and dependant!

Sounds like you might be making your world smaller here (afraid to move, hating how you are right now).

Can you not hate being needy and dependant and just accept that this is how you are feeling right now???? When you hate what you are doing this tends to make your world smaller and this feels terrible. More freedom and space come with acceptance.