I relapsed after I tried so hard.

So I maybe got over a year without cutting...I was so strong and I tried so hard to stop every urge. It worked for a while, but then I just broke down. What sucked was it was on my birthday in October too. I have been cutting periodically again...and I dont really know how to stop it because I thought I had it under control. :/
A lot of crap has happened to me recently though that I think attributes to it...my mom has been put in jail for attempted murder of my 2 year old sister...she's a paranoid schizophrenic and that worries me that I could have it...my dog that Ive had since I was 6 died last month. My grades have been plummeting. I've had a bf [now an ex] tell me he was gonna commit suicide over the phone, so I went with him to make sure he was okay, but everyone thought I was trying to run away because I didnt tell anyone...my dad has been flipping out on me, telling me how much of a screw up I am and how theres no excuse to have bad grades...but he doesnt get that I'm depressed all of the time...I live with 6 other people...things have been really rough.
But I guess I'm just asking for any suggestions?

First of all, . That sounds like a REALLY rough situation. And I can't say that I understand all of what you are feeling/ going through. I do know the general emotions though. My father has spent my entire life in and out of jail for heroin/dealing/armed robbery/etc. My two step fathers have been emotionally and occasionally physically abusive. I used to cut all the time in high school and I still struggle with it a lot in college. My mother expects nothing less than the best grades out of me... and I do struggle with chronic depression. I don't have any advice, per se, but I do want you to know that you are not alone! We are all in a constant struggle against SI (I am also a cutter.) Like you said, you can go for months, or even a year without doing it, but then s*** hits the fan and you can't think of any other way to cope. It's not because you are weak. Cutting is something that people are driven to. You a. I hope that re not a loser, no matter what your father may say. Do you have a counselor at all? Or any confidants that know about your struggle with cutting? I know that I have one friend that I call/ IM when I feel like cutting and she distracts you. If you don't have any friends that you feel comfortable sharing this with, try writing. There is a list on this forum of possible alternatives to cutting. Some of them may be helpful to you.

Once again, I hope that you are able to find a little bit of peace and healthy release! If you want to talk more, feel free to PM me!

Thank you, I appreciate it. But no I dont have a counselor, because it was almost 4 years ago that I started, and my father doesnt think I relapsed. And I honestly dont have the guts to come to him about it, which I guess is why I'm here. And I used to write things, I've actually always written things down, but then I started to find out that my father goes through everything, so I never do anymore because I'm very paranoid when it comes to any of my personal things and my dad. Even when I'm at school, it drives me nuts to know he's here and is probably going through everything "trying to understand me"
I do have a friend that also does, but neither of us like to talk about it, because its just one of those things...you know? So I dont know...I just try and take it every day as it comes.

Maybe you could write on the computer such as on a website or a word document, instead of on paper? That way he can't go through it. I really hate privacy invasion, so I can see how that is a really stressful and isolating situation to be in. I understand not being able to go to him about your relapse. Is there another person you trust that would not tell your family, or someone that doesn't know your family at all? If you're feeling lost on how to deal with it, then maybe going to someone you trust for support and advice will help you figure things out. The best case would be to go to a therapist, but if your family doesn't know, then it might be hard/impossible to hide that you're going to see one.

*hugs*
Maybe you could make up you own alphabet to write with? I mean, juvenile, I know, but if it works then hey, why not.
There's got to be another way for you to let your feelings out. An instrument you play, drawing, running, sports, anything?
I hope everything works out for you. Good luck.

- stephiifaye92 -

Stupidsminkle is right; it'd be hard to see a therapist without your family knowing about it. I'm in that same boat, because no one around me knows anything about this site or my depression. The major difference is my dad is completely opposite from yours. Not to rub this in your face, but my dad rarely ever even comes to the second level of our house, let alone in my room. He comes up here to take showers and rarely to talk to us about plans for the day or something like that -- that's it.

I definitely feel for you. I can't possibly imagine what you must be going through. This is part of why I get upset; I haven't gone through anything nearly as awful as what you're going through and I still sit on my fat @$$ all day and complain. I had minor SI issues in the past and now I'm trying to ignore my urges too. I guess mine just aren't as powerful as some because I can get past them pretty easily. I've wanted to cut recently but I feel so crappy afterward...so broken and unwell. I don't wanna be that girl anymore.

But enough about me! My advice to you is to look at it from the point of view of someone else. What would they think? SI is not okay. That's the only reason I don't do it anymore; if my mom were to find out again she'd go nuts. She's the reason I stopped; she wasn't angry, she was sad for me. I broke her heart and I couldn't stand to do that. I hope you come out of the darkness quickly; the light is waiting for you!