really bad night.

I'm having a really bad night. I guess the whole weekend has been bad. We were talking about sexuality in T and it always brings up bad stuff. I keep having all these bad memories come up of times I've felt violated. I don't see T until Thursday. I kind of want to call her and leave her a message telling her how bad it is right now, but I don't want to become that client who is always freaking out and needing their T. I know we wont do any processing of this stuff over the phone and so I don't know what the benefit of calling would be. I already know that she doesn't want me to hurt myself and that she cares about me. But right now, the pain is overwhelming that. I don't want to go back to day 1, but I don't know that any of the things we have come up with will work. Maybe I'll give a couple more of them a try. I still have a couple left.

I wish I could help you hun. I can't really say anything but I can be here for you if you need to talk. I'm not seeing a T myself so I wouldn't have any advice for you on that part. But good luck to you hun!

It's okay to need your T, that's what they're there for.

If you call your T tonight she can call you in the morning and make sure you're okay. She's not a mind reader and if you need to talk to her before Thursday and get some closure that's perfectly acceptable hon. That's what your T is there for, to be your support and guide.

I called and left a message. Hopefully she will call me back when I am out of class tonight.

How are you doing today?

I'm a little better. My T called and left a message. So I have that to listen to. But I don't think we are going to be able to talk. Class helped because it allowed me to focus on something else. So we'll see how tonight goes. Thanks for asking.

I hate nighttime. Everything is worst at night. And there is no way I can get a hold of my T. I feel like I end up in this same spot of wanting to hurt myself. It is hard to see the reasons not to. I want to hurt myself.
Why is it always worse at night, besides the fact that I'm alone? Then I feel stupid if I call T because it's probably better when she calls back and then worse again the next night. I hate my life. It hurts so bad and I feel so alone. Everyone else got to hurt me. Why can't I?

Googley, nighttime is hard for many people. I always thought it was because when it gets dark your world gets smaller and you can't see beyond it like you can when it is light out. Can you talk to your T about this specific issue?

I haven't talked a lot with this t about my urges to cut (well not directly anyway, I gave her a thing I wrote that included stuff about cutting.) I've never talked with anyone about how night is worse. So here is my plan to get through tonight:

1. In about 15 minutes I am going to leave for lab meeting.
2. After that my friend and I will get together to work on stats homework.
3. After that my friend is going to go grocery shopping with me.
4. After that if it is before 10pm I will come on PC and go to DocJohn's chat.
5. If it is after 10pm I will watch TV.
6. Hopefully I will not have a lot of time lying awake and I will go to sleep.

This is my plan to keep myself from doing anything bad tonight. Wish me luck.

Sounds like a good plan, best of luck googley, Im only a PM away.

Good luck hun. I hope you do good tonight. Just one day at a time. That's what I have to do.