Day One...

I'm stupid.

Kati, what happened?

I drank too much last night and left my better judgment to the wayside. Now I've got 4 fresh cuts added to all the scars I already have My parents think I stopped a year ago....blah

(((((((((Katileena)))))))))))

((((((katileena )))))))) You made a mistake. But that happens along the road to life. Be gentle with yourself right now and focus on self care. You can not undo the past. But you can move forward.

We both know your not stupid. We both had done stupid things before but that does not make either of us stupid.

I'm just so angry with myself. I've got a headache from the spinning in my head. I just can't stop thinking I'm going to mess up my entire life...can't stop thinking I'm going to mess up getting a job, can't stop thinking I'm going to mess up every friendship I've ever had...and worst of all mess up my relationship with my family. Oh not to mention never have a life of my own...

Just makes me want to SI more...but I'm too angry about last night to do it again. (atleast for now)

What happened to cause you to drink too much?

Well this weekend I was really hoping to do something with my brother and my friend. I hadn't done anything social in 2 weeks so I'd really like to get out. I hate always sitting at home! I asked both of them to go bowling with me. My brother wasn't feeling good, so he didn't go. Then my friend, who said she would love to hang out, calls TWO hours before we're suppose to meet and says "I'm tired, I'm not going anymore." I was SO angry. I was already dressed up and excited to go out. I felt betrayed yet again. I felt abandoned yet again. It's sad I expected the entire thing to happen anyway, and was STILL so upset. It took me two days to really absorb my anger and that's when I drank and cut. I'm still pretty pissed about what she did....and this is the second time in a month she has done this to me. I don't have any other friends from high school who live in the area except her...I'm sick of being so anti-social and never being able to just enjoy myself. I'm sick of being the one who is left out. And I'm sick of being the one that my friend bails on. I feel second class in every friendship I have with these people....the person they only do stuff with "if there's no other option."

I feel neglected.

Oh, that is pain I know oh so well

I’m a second class citizen in my own family (family of origin that is)

Never been invited to spend a holiday with them, never been welcome

I feel sorry for my family though, they don’t understand what they are missing out on, not me (I don’t matter) but my daughter, she is a ray of sunshine that fills any room she is in with love and joy. I would gladly step aside and let them visit her without the burden of seeing me but guess they don’t see what they are missing…. So sad…

Googley, this is very good expressing your feelings!! Good work!!! Do you think that you need to find better friends then? Maybe you go for the "not so good" friends because you don't feel that you deserve better? Can you shoot higher and find better friends?

Another option is to tell these friends when they hurt you? Learning this communication is very good for developing friendships.

When I was in my early 20's I made plans with a friend who lived a few hours away. She was going to drive down and we were going to go to an amusement park which was a few hours away (I think it was a whole weekend trip). She called me the day she was going to come and tells me she can't come because she has some acne. I told her that was bs and she needs to come and get over her acne! She came. Later I realized how shallow she was and we eventually grew apart......

Another of life's lessons, Katileena. A bump in the road. ((((( Katileena )))))