[Willow]

I used to have this habit of banging my head on the floor or wall or beating it with my fists if I was overstimulated. I think it's pretty well under control now with medication and therapy. However... the last time I was in a church service... things happened that made me feel trapped and vulnerable and overstimulated and out of control. I left that service with a bruise on my head. No one saw me beat my head on a wooden beam. We were all supposed to be gathered in a circle holding hands and singing something like "Jesus Loves me, this I know". It was way too much for me and I felt like I couldn't leave without drawing attention to myself... yet staying was giving me a lot of internal reactions. So I reverted to an old behavior. I'm gonna try hard not to let myself get trapped like that again. I told the pastor what happened and why. See.... he has this care/concern/calling to minister to disenchanted and hurting people. He wil need to change his methods and order of service if he's gonna minister to people like me. That's why I told him. I think he listened to me. We are now meeting in his house again instead of a building. The service is much more informal when we meet in the house and I dont' feel nearly as trapped. I dunno if this makes sense to anyone at all. Just writing out my experience.

[Rapunzel]

Willow,

It makes sense to me. Head banging has been one of my things too - just count all the holes in my walls of my house. Sounds like talking to the pastor about it was a good approach.

Wendy

<font color=purple>"The real problem of mental life is not why some people become insane, but rather why most avoid insanity." -Erich Fromm</font color=purple>

[heidu]

Hugs Willow. I think it's really good that you talked to the pastor and that he seemed willing to make some adjustments. I have never struggled with anything like that. I can't even imagine. Can I send a hug your way?
Take care of you, your special. (cute too!!)
Heidu

The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin

[Willow]

Thanks for the hug Heidu Thanks for the support Wendy

I went to church this morning. First time since that event. I guess this morning I was preparing myself just in case it happened again. This church was a lot different. They did almost nothing to force or manipulate people into an action. The only thing I noticed them do was to make the members (not the visitors) feel obligated to tithe. I didnt' like that, but it was not too much for me to process. The last place had a barrage of triggers for me. It took a series of things to tip me over the edge. I think I'm okay if there are only one or two triggers in a service. I'd like to be able to be involved in church again. It's kinda hard. Thanks for the compliment Heidu *HUGS* to you too!

[Zenobia]

{{{{{{{willow}}}}}}}}}}}}} I am so impressed with your dedication to spirit. I am also impressed by your courage to face what you know will trigger you. I will remember you when I hit one of those scarey places in my life that makes me hightail it the other direction.
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson

[Willow]

(((((((((Carrie)))))))))))))
Go easy and don't tip yourself over! I'm glad I gave you something to remember

[somebodyelse]

Hi Willow,

I just had to reply to your post, because a very similar thing caused me to cut for the very first time. I was in church, overwhelmed by emotions brought on by a particular song, and couldn't leave without calling attention to myself. I couldn't stop crying and (secretly) clawing at my wrist.

When church was over, I immediately went home and cut myself. That was my first episode. I only just returned to church last week, for fear of a repeat performance.

[Willow]

Wow... I'm glad I'm not alone in this. I find home meetings don't trigger me nearly as bad. I don't know why exactly. How have you done since being back in church?

I also wanted to add... Yesterday I had a little revelation about why I feel trapped in church, yet am drawn to go to church. It's kinda like a sticky trap. I long for the intimacy and community that church promises... butthe responsibility to serve, give, and sacrifice that it takes to be part of "the family"... well... I'm just not excited about doing that anymore. So when there is some kind of command or manipulation from the pulpit, it sets off my major red alert alarms. My therapist has challenged me to go and participate and get relationally involved without giving into the compulsion to sacrifice for the church. I'm not sure I'm making sense... it's kind of new stuff and I don't have it fully articulated. Thanks for responding somebody. It's great to know we are not alone, eh?

[somebodyelse]

Yep, it is great to not be the only one. I'm still pretty uncomfortable in church, but hoping that it will gradually fade, especially with Christmas only a couple of months away. Everyone there has been very loving and has tried to understand. I do love my church family, and I know that they love me.

I understand about not wanting to be pushed or pressured into doing more than you're prepared to do. I hate it when that happens,too. I once became too involved in taking on more responsibilities for the church than I could reasonably handle. The result was that I did a lot of things, but none of them as well as they should've been done. Also, I got completely burned out.

Now, if anyone pressures me about doing church work, I know better than to accept too many things. (Right now, for instance, I'm not prepared to take on ANY responsibilities----I'm just not up to it.)

Julie

[Willow]

yes... me too. My therapy challenge for church is to be involved, but not to try to earn relationships. I'm fighting that all or nothing thinking that has us doing too much and burning out... like you described.