They took all my pills
They watch me all the time

They made me promise not to puke
They took away the laxatives
And the check book

I have to do something!!!!!!
What does it feel like???
I've been thinking.....

Vicki

[vanna123]

i have not si'd in awhile and hope to reach a year soon. when i was active i wrote a poem trying to explain here it goes:

i stare into the pool of warm blood.
Where is my reflection?
the vacant expression in my eyes.
there is none. no face looking back at me.
the dark, congealing blood forms a mini whirpool
as it flows freely down the drain.
i cannot hold the blood, preserve it in my small cold hands.
it is boundless.
it disappears down the rusted pipes, running
like a frigid mountain stream down a sleep slope.
nothing stops it; it is free to go.
and with it goes my unrelenting pain.

[Rapunzel]

Vicki,

I would guess that if feels a lot like the other things that "they" are not letting you do. And I understand what it's like to look for something else when your usual things become unavailable or discouraged or even when you have decided to try to stop.

But what I have found is that I might try to trade one bad habit for another, but the old one comes back eventually, and now I just have one more bad habit than I used to have. Believe me, you don't need another one. It won't help you. It might make you forget or not feel the discomfort for a little while, but it won't last, and it will be big steps backwards on the path to healing and feeling better.

Instead of thinking about other ways to escape from dealing with yourself and what is really bothering you, how about taking an honest look at what that is that makes you want to hurt yourself (in whichever way - that doesn't matter), and what you could do to make that a little bit better or not as troublesome? Do you have a therapist? It really helps if you have someone who knows how to help you work through that stuff and stop trying to run away from it and avoid it.

((((((((hugs if you want them)))))))))))

Vicki,

You don't want to start that sweetie.

I know you're angry.

I know you want to hurt yourself, but maybe you can do it some other way.

Do you write?

Have you tried?

Write down a list of angry, mad words for me and PM them.

I won't let anyone see them then I'll delete them if you want.

Tell me how mad you are.

Write it in angry, bold colors.

Any words at all, I don't care.

It'll be okay.

Petunia

[SpazKatt]

*hugs* it's not a good feeling in the long run, when you're trying to recover, please don't let it get that way!

[ickydog2006]

I regret ever starting this. All it took was one pin prick for me and I was hooked. It has gotten worse and worse and has destroyed many of my relationships. But I also do know how it feels to be frustrated because so few actually answer the question that was asked....I also wrote some poems... I also have more that I entered awhile back along with these.

I lay here licking
The blood from my cut
As it tries
To heal itself shut
I forgot how good
A fresh blade feels
And how it felt
As the skin seals
Leaving but
A thin red line
Not really one
Closer to nine
It still doesn’t
Bleed enough
My skin has gotten
Rather tough
Oh how I missed it
My sweet bliss
More than I longed
For a sweet kiss
The blood is all gone
I want more
I know I should
Let this heal before
I start to carve
Once again
Digging into
My smooth skin
Resuming the trend
I cannot leave
It makes me happy
Yet leaves me to grieve
I cannot wait
To leave the world behind
And escape to the blackness
Of my mind

Pain is all that I feel here
No happiness, little fear
Take a risk, just a slice
A little pain will feel nice
Watch the blood slowly drip
Touch the blood to my lip
Tastes so good
Like it should
Thick and pure
What a cure
For now, the pain I lack
But tomorrow it will be back
Again, the cycle will start
Hurting me and breaking my heart

My happiness so far away
No want to see another day
Yet here it comes once again
Another day to cut my skin
The scars become more and more
Cleaning them becomes a chore
The pain rarely does subside
Along with it goes my pride
All I can do is give in
Always knowing I can’t win

I count on no one
They all betray
So in my bed
Here I lay
Looking down
At the knife
For I know
It can ease my strife
So simple
Yet hard to do
For I know
It hurts you too
The cravings
They’re getting strong
I want to give in
But I know it’s wrong
I care for you
And don’t want to cause you pain
But how long
Will this feeling remain
My heart is beating
Faster and faster
The pain can subside
But only after
I finally give in
And damage done
To not only me
But to everyone
Your friendship
Is worth much more
Than anything
I’ve come across before
But how much
It’s hard to tell
Will this ruin our friendship
If so farewell

[shadowdancer]

(((((((((((vikki)))))))))))

it's ok to be angry, Vikki and i know what it's like to have that anger be directed at yourself but be careful. try to pour out the anger on paper in words like Petunia suggested. you could even post your angry words if you wanted or have a list that you added to every time you got angry. stay safe, Vikki, it will get better.

-shadowdancer

[hereiam]

Vickie...go ahead and start. If you want to make one of the worst mistakes in your life.

[Hope4me2]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{[Vicki}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
please DO NOT start......it was the WORSE mistake I ever made and I have been doing it since I was 15 and I am now 46 and it is HARD to stop....resisting is NOT enough at times either....I HATE being like this and depending on this to get through a day or to deal with my emotions....PLEASE talk to someone but DO NOT start SIing....... take care