[Katileena]

(That spelling is probably way off.)

Anyone ever think about wanting to fail on purpose? Like if you screw up your life enough you'll get the attention you yearn for from your friends/family? Part of the reason I self-injured was for recognition, to not feel "invisible!!" To have someone see me, even if it was just to see my cuts/scars. I wanted to matter. So would it be very far fetched to deliberately screw up in certain parts of your life to make you "dependent" on others for attention?? I'm not saying I've done this, but just curious if anyone else has thought about it.

I'm on my own now. I got my nice, fancy job out of college; I've got my own apartment and am building "my life." But I still feel empty. I feel alone. I don't have anyone to share my life with. What's the point...I want to stand out, be noticed...be seen!! But I don't know how....the only thing anyone ever notices about me is the tattoo on my wrist, or the scars. Maybe if I could get my artwork back out there, people would see me again....I don't know.

I'm ranting...read what you will; doesn't matter really, it's only a computer site.

[jacq10]

((((((((Katilina))))))))))

I understand a lot of what you are saying. I'm fresh out of college as well and often feel some of the same struggles you mentioned.

Sometimes, when we often feel invisible, the only time we get "noticed" is if we do something dramatic or out of character. A huge component of self-injury (at least my own experience with it) was making something physical out of the inner turmoil. Almost a justification for how we're feeling - even if just to yourself. Something that you can look at and say "aha! LOOK at how much pain I am in, I'm not just making it up."

That being said, if someone were to see your SI (and they had no prior knowledge of you engaging in this behaviour), there are several responses which could occur. If they are a compassionate person who is able to see your pain, that recognition of how you are feeling can feel very freeing. The unfortunate part of that, is that you could get yourself into a very dangerous cycle of SI in order to gain this recognition, when in fact, if you trust this person, talking to them about how you're feeling could bring about the same positive feelings, without doing the physical damage.

Perhaps self-injury is one way to stand out in a crowd... but is that momentary feeling of being noticed really what you want to be remembered for? You sound like an intelligent person, who i'm sure has skills worth being remembered. Skills that WILL make you stand out.

As hard as it is, using your voice is a much better conductor of recognition, and even coping skills, than SI. I hope that you can find someone to reach out to so that you can find out what makes you special... we all have specialness within us, its just sometimes hard to see.

Please stay safe,
Jacq

[eskielover]

I understand what you are saying....children were misbehaving in school for years & years to get the attention that they didn't get at home....with the thought..."better to get bad attention than no attention at all". Me, I was always getting the good grades & excelling in school & found that attention was what fulfilled me.....all the way through college & even into my career. I know that wonderful feeling of being recognized for the good work I did (in place of the SI you are experiencing).....but it's the same thing..just different method of getting the needed attention that we all seem to need. Designing a working communication system that they were able to fly marine jet by was very exciting & very good recognition. Presenting a really good presentation to the military group our project was for & being considered an equal to all the guys I was working with (being one of the only women engineers) was really fulfilling. Which was why when I lost my career in 1994, it was so very devastating as it was the only thing that really made me feel like I was accomplishing anything real.

Married & had a husband, but that wasn't fulfilling to me....some people find that the attention from a husband is the fullfilling thing in their life.

But since all of that & even none of the therapy really helped me figure out the real answer.....but when we look outside of ourselves for that recognition, there is no guarantee it will be there, so we need to find things that make us feel good about ourselves without depending on others to give us that feeling. I have to admit, I still like compliments & realized that I still crave the compliments from men about being as good as they are.....when I was backing my truck up to hitching up to the horse trailer.....I whipped in there & right back within 1/2 " of the hitch. My friends husband said....."I don't usually compliment people, but you did an amazing job on that". I could feel my buttons popping all over the place & realized that need is still there to have what we do & what we are be recognized. It's must better when we can find it in practical things that we do rather than in physical harm we do to ourselves.

I know for myself, when I get stressed I am not able to eat. When I went through the trauma with my mother & the home care person's abuse to both of us when my mother was dying of cancer, I lost so much weight, I ended up in the hospital myself & on IV nutrition. I didn't do it intentionally to get attention, but the attention I got from having lost so much weight & being in the hospital & the attention & care I got in there for almost a month was very needed at the time. It got me through a very rough time of my life & kept me alive. I remember fighting to get someone help & attention with my Mothers situation & remember how much it hurt that no one was caring & denying everything that was happening.

It's human nature to need attention.....but it's much better to get it in good, healthy, constructive ways than it ways that harm us. When we hurt inside & can't get anyone to listen or to hear us. It's necessary to open up & express ourselves first before anything else, as that can work better & then there is no need for any other means of getting the attention we need. Many people shy away when we are harming ourselves to get needed attention. Many people feel that they are being manipulated & don't even want to get involved in situations like that.....so it really isn't a positive way to insure the necessary attention that we all need.

I now live alone (left my husband 3 years ago) with my 6 eskie doggies. They give me all the unconditional love & attention that I could ever need....slurpy lick kisses & all along with snuggling up right next to me on even the hottest of nights. After not having a good marriage, I realized that situation wasn't worth being involved in even though he was nice & was always there....he wasn't responsible & couldn't take care of the responsible things in life. Better off alone than in a situation like that I found out. You are just starting out & need to figure out so many things about yourself & about life. About where yu can get your needs met & where you need to meet them on your own & learn to feel good about your accomplishments without kudos from others.....like when I finished fixing the jack on my horse trailer without the help of anyone, or when I fixed the garage door roller that had broken without the help of anyone else.....or even when I found my missing keys that had been missing for 5 days. I found myself jumping & singing & doing my excited dance alone in my house with my dogs ending up joining in & getting all excited also. It was the best fulfilling feeling I have had & I was all alone, sharing it only with my doggies.

Hope you can find ways to give yourself recognition for the good things you accomplish without the need for outside attention or recognition. I know it still feels good to have the outside recognition, but not to be dependent on it for all of our feelings.

Please take care of yourself & if you have a T, maybe this is a topic you can work on with them.

Take care,
Debbie

[Mike_J]

I wouldn’t call it failing, more of a cry for help. I know part of the reason for my first SI was so that people would see on the outside how much I was hurting on the inside.

Really out on your own for the first time, but in unfamiliar surroundings where you don’t know anyone has to hard. But there are other ways to be noticed, one is at work, work harder smarter than those around you, much better way to be “stand out” than adding another scar to your collection. Any chance you could put up at least one of your pictures at work? Good way to attract a bit of attention is a positive way, and let people know you have a creative side to complement your intellectual abilities.

And I wouldn’t call your post ranting but you are right online is a good place to rant if you feel the need.

[Sannah]

Hi Kati, yes, this way of getting noticed makes sense. What I found with myself and I have seen in others is that one side of us wants to be noticed but the others side wants to hide or get away from others and that to truly be noticed we need to deal with this side of us that wants to get away. This side of us sabotages our efforts to get our needs met.