What have I done?

Um so yeah I did SI today, why? Because everything is going wrong.

I don't mean to complain or anything (something I do alot) but I came to this website to make friends....and whenever I attempt to make a friend I always get the cold shoulder or the silent treatment....I try to be nice and talk to people it just doesn't work though...nothing works I don't know what I've done to diserve this..maybe I tried to make friends too fast..or was just being plain annoying. That's one thing I'm good at. Anyways I did not hurt myself cause of that...that is kinda the reason though....people lately are just annoying the heck out of me (my mom) she's always yelling and hitting me for no reason telling me I'm worthless and she doesn't have any respect for me..I've learned to kinda ignore it but that just doesn't work anymore...its so hard to pretend to be happy all the time and faking a fake smile everyday when I walk into school so people don't ask what's wrong (not that they would anyway) I don't like myself there's nothing good about me half the stuff she's saying is probably true. people just don'oht understand me and my life at all and they never will because they don't know what I go through/went through I just want to have the perfect life and be grown up in the military and graduate high school....people these days just annoy me soooooooo bad now.....i usually don't get annoyed easily though...but for instance there is one person i know on fb and he goes to my school he is annoying me the eff off so bad makes me want to just get a knife and endddd it soo bad I can't take it anymore....I'm sorry to be saying this cause I know I'm ugly myself but I looked at his photos on fb and it just made me want to puke and harm myself over and over again. he bothers me so much. in real life he follows me around I told him I don't like him!!!! leave me alone!!!! he won't Its making me feel creeped out and not good and scared..aaaaagh.....he messaging me on fb right now asking how its going...please make it stop please make it stop! oh and he just made a fb yesterday...I have no clue how he got my fb cause my name is not my realname on fb it's my nickname....and he only has the same mutual friends as me no others please help me before I go crazy. He always ask to come to my house when I always tell him no no no I don't want to hang out with him I DON'T want a boyfriend!!!!!!! I would never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever go out with him ever :/ I'm not trying to be mean at all but this is the truth and I'm just trying to tell him the truth he doesn't understand!!!1 please end my life............at school everyone makes fun of me and says that i like him....barely nobody talks to him at school so i would sometimes talk to him..i dont like him at all stop stop stop. please help to me i feel so sick to the stomach and like throwing up im not good and nobody cares......im trying to fit iin with you guys on here in the chats it never works i get ignored everytime...whats wrong with me....iim complete crap. why like me im hideous i would never date him ever like i stated before. ive told him a million times that he annoys me and to stop. I'm going crazy i cant take this...to much for me to handle....please i wish i could tell somebody about all my problems but there is nobody.

Bye.

Gurl, I see some similarities between the way you feel that you are treated and the way that you are treating this boy?? I am finding that this is sort of common. I was once complaining about people being judgemental while in the same breath I was judging others. Someone pointed this out to me and I stopped being judgemental and the whole problem went away! I have also seen this in others. It's a funny thing.

You don't have to date him, how about just being his friend? It sounds like you want friends. Is it because you feel that others don't like him? Or do you not want to be a member of any club that would have you as a member (you dislike yourself so much that you devalue anyone who would like you)?

I am really sorry that your mother treats you that way. That is so wrong! I wonder if she was treated that way while growing up?

No the thing is I don't want to be friends with him at all Just want him and everything else to go away

I've been were you have been partly. I know how fustrating it is right now, but beleive me you have seen nothing yet. I've seen soooooo much, and wanted to do the same things you said, but it doesn't work that way. The best way is to keep on going. Keep posting here, Do what ever you have to to find a way to get through it. If he is annoying you then don't let him see your fb profile. That's an easy solution. If you feel like you need to confront him, then do it, but make sure your' not like supper angry at him. But most of all, if you want a friend, the I can be there for you. I've seen much, and been through much, and if it's someone you need to talk to then I can listen, and offer advice when I think of something that helps. But just keep going. Get out there in the sun, and work out, go for a walk, do something that makes you feel good. Get away from the feelings of Depression, and si. You can do it, YOu can get through this. I did, so can you. and if my signature helps then Wonderful. But just keep going, yes Faking a smile takes a lot out of you but, it is better then any other alternitave I know. It is better than telling some people how you really are. But it sounds like you need someone to help you right now. SO I will check back later today, to see if you want to talk, and then arange a time to do so. I know it's hard but, you can do it. (I have)

(((((gentle hugs))))

A few things...

I think its great that you're reaching out and you came to this site. There are many many kind-hearted people here and I know that you will connect with at least one, if not more of them. The thing with this site though, is that there the large majority of the members come here for support themselves. While you may feel that people are turning a cold shoulder on you, a more likely justification for their absenteeism probably has to do with their own struggles, and their silence is more a reflection of something they are currently struggling with, rather than them deciding they don't like you and don't want to be your friend.

I see also that another member has commented that your behaviour towards this boy is similar to that of others towards yourself (that you don't like). I know it can be difficult (and sometimes annoying) when you have someone who likes you and in whom you do not reciprocate those feelings for. But... perhaps, perhaps he's just as lonely as you are and is looking for a friend? Perhaps he feels as though you are just one other person in his life who is rejecting him. Perhaps he see's that you might share a similarity, and is trying to reach out to form a friendship. Now, I don't know this guy, for all I know he is a perv who is stalking you (though I hope not), but maybe if you firmly explained to him that you don't have romantic feelings for him, maybe he could accept that, and you two could become friends?

I know how hard it is to fake a smile, and I can only imagine the pain you must be in with regards to how your mother treats you , but you have to fight those urges to end it all. I'm sure you've heard it before, but things DO get better after High School. High School can be really tough, and people can be really cruel, but for every cruel person there is at least one person who cares. You will find a solid group of people who understand you and share in similar struggles.

Don't give up on people here at PC yet... stick around and you'll find your own little niche here.

Jacq

I am sorry things are so hard right now.
You don't have to be friends with that guy. Tell him firmly but politely that you do not want to be friends. It's okay to try and aviod people you are uncomfortable with. Be nice, but not overly friendly. To lead him on would be worse than to totally cut him off.
I understand that you SI'd to cope with difficult and overwhelming situations, but please be careful. The more you do it, the harder it is to stop.
Please take care of yourself.