Old Life, Old thoughts, old fears

I've been thinking about the last time I was hospitalized tonight. Strangly enough it was not for cutting--well I guess in a round about way it was--I basically went crazy trying not to hurt myself--I didn't sleep for about four days straight
Any way I was thinking about it cause I'm back at school and I see my shrink in less than two weeks, and the last time I saw him was when he was discharging me. I feel like such a disapointment. Ya know what I was on the last time I was on the last time I was in the hospital--Seroquel--I mean that is pretty heavy duty stuff.

Oh by the way have any of you ever had the words Border Line Personality Disorder thrown about--what do you think of it? I think it is said to be a disorder of emotional regulation.
My shrink that I have been seeing for the past 6 months (while I've been living with my parents) says I'm bipolar. I really don't like him--every time I see him the first words out of his mouth are "have you hurt yourself" and then "have you thought about hurting yourself"---
I just wish I could take all the pills and flush them down the drain--not have to take them any more--I wish I could just wipe the slate clean and forget what has happened

you guys take care of yourselves--and I'll try to do the same--
All my love
moonlight

<font color=purple> Whatever you can do, or believe you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.
Goethe </font color=purple>

I'm really glad to see you posting here again, Moonlight... Please don't be ashamed of what has gone before/what your Psychiatrist might be thinking...you were very strong to get through it; you have nothing to be ashamed about, OK? Most fondly, your friend, Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>

Hi Moonlight,

I think that you shouldn't have to worry so much abot what your pdoc thinks about hurting yourself. So many people, including too many professionals, are so uncomfortable about SI and I think they deal with it the wrong way. SI is not the problem - it is a coping method and needs to be seen as such. It can get extreme and out of control, but if it isn't to that point I think they need to just look at it as a sign of how much other things are bothering you. Maybe that is why he asks about it?

Have you read my thread titled "busted?" Although my husband gets upset about me hurting myself, and I worry about making him feel bad, my T actually accepts it, has no problem with it at all, and even said that I might just accept that as something that I might always do. I think that we need more professionals with that attitude.

Borderline personality disorder has to do with emotional regulation as well as difficulty in relationships. Here's a website where you can read more about it: <A target="_blank" HREF=http://mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=517&cn=8>http://mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=517&cn=8</A> The affective instability reminds me of a very rapic cycling bipolar disorder, since people with BPD can swing from one extreme to the other so quickly. Since it is one of very few diagnoses that actually mentions self harm as one of the criteria, it is sometimes the first thing that a lot of professionals think of when somebody hurts themself. However, SI can be related to other things too, so that may or may not be a correct diagnosis. Unfortunately, they also have a tendency to regard people diagnosed with BPD as irritating and difficult, and often don't treat them with the amount of respect and dignity that everyone deserves. It's too bad, but attitudes of professionals towards people with borderline personality disorder really could stand to improve.

If you are not comfortable with the way your pdoc or therapist or anyone else treats you, try discussing it with them and letting them know how it makes you feel and what they could do better. They should be helping you to feel better, not making you feel bad about your problems. If you can't work it out with them, remember they work for you and you can go to someone else instead.

Take care,
Wendy

<font color=purple>"The real problem of mental life is not why some people become insane, but rather why most avoid insanity." -Erich Fromm</font color=purple>

Hi moonlight.........that is what my T has given me as a diagnosis - it is like saying you have a virus.. Very general term.....people having relationship problems, afraid of being abandoned or rejected, having a hard time maintaining relationships as well.

That question usually comes up during our sessions as well. If you don't like your T for how he treats you, then find someone else; however, if it is just because of that one question, then he is doing his job and caring about you.

I wish I could go back too.........when I felt ok and knew I wanted to get up each day. Take care of yourself.

Mary Alice

Thanks guys for your support --
yeah it is hard to get a good doctor where I live when I'm not in school--I changed recently, but I still didn't like him
I like the doctor I have up here at school a lot better--
Some times I think that question demonstrates how little a person really understands what I'm going through--if things are pretty much the same last time he asked the question and the answer was no--why ask the question again--I don't know and it also seems to be a matter of trust--like come on I'd tell you some thing important like that--cause for me right now that would be a major backslide--and I go to the shrink and to my therapist so I can be well--
sorry for the little rant--it really isn't the biggest deal
I hope you all are doing well
--moonlight

<font color=purple> Whatever you can do, or believe you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.
Goethe </font color=purple>

I have had my share of rants here. It's a good thing to do. Generally... if it's big enough to bother you, it's big enough to rant about here.

I am borderline. I don't worry to much about it though. I agree in the assessment that it feels simular to rapid cycling bi-polar disorder. I go to a bi-polar support group and fit right in. I like knowing that I am borderline because knowing has given me a framework to use in learning how to live a healthy happy life. I do resent the general attitude about borderlines but I wouldn't know about that general attitude if it wasn't for all the books saying we are the pariahs of the mental health system. Even the nice books that are talking directly to us mention that fact that we are seen as pain in the asses. What is up with that?

As for being asked about SI at every session. I am asked as well. It used to irritate the dickens out of me because I was ashamed and afraid of what my therapist would think. Over that last 6 or 8 months I have learned to be more open about it, to let go of the shame. In doing so I realized that the reason he was asking me is because he was concerned AND the amount of harm I am doing to myself is an excellent indicator of where I am mentally. It is also a way for him to spot trouble when I am not able to realize it myself because I have disengaged from my emotions and claim that things are ok when in reality the pot is just about to boil over.
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson