Failure!!!

So last night (wed.) i hurt self and now have blisters from burns and marks from other stuff. I just couldn't take the feelings anymore. Wish i could feel more numb than anything.
I had T yesterday and was very triggering cause of what happened to me at a psych hospital I was in a couple weeks ago.
Then I thought after I hurt self I could sleep but instead I couldn't. It quieted my mind for a little bit not much to fall asleep though. So took a few pills that had in apt. and slept till 1 pm and then went back to bed till 5 pm. Am so wanting to go back bed.
thanks for listening and sorry i dissapoint everyone.

jen

i know how u feel about failing. I'm in the same boat! I wish I could offer u some support but am not doing great myself. I hope u take care tho and know that i am thinking of u during this rough spot!!

I'm really sorry Jen that you are getting triggered in therapy. Can you tell your therapist this?

ty everyone 4 ur support, i really appreciate it.
Things are not going so well, guess it comes with the territory.
i still just want to burn and other things.

thanks, sorry not much else to say

(((((((((Jen))))))))

Please be nice and gentle to yourself. You deserve caring and love. I too hope you tell your T that you are getting triggered in session. You have gone through a lot recently. Can you contact your T?

(((googley)))
I could probably contact my T, but it's later now in the evening and she usually goes to her cabin so not going to but her. I see her Wednesday if I choose to go. I am thinking about ending therapy cause just getting too hard especailly with being sexually assulted at the psychward and dealing with that. I don't really know what to do anymore about anything. Too much has happened in the last few weeks, and I don't know where am going from here. I want to run and never look back, but I tried that many times and it doesn't work.

Thanks,
Jen

Please contact your T Jen and please continue to keep us posted. Does anyone know what happened at the psych ward?

yes they know and so does the police now. it's very scary to have gone to the police but my dad brought me there and i did what i could do that day. i don't know what happens from here...i just wish i knew what was happening.
thanks

It must be really tough. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. Things won't stay like that forever though. You have to fully understand that giving up isn't really an option. We all fail ourselves at some point, but as they say 'It doesn't matter how many times you get knocked down. What matters is the number of times you get back up.' And you simply HAVE to get back up. Life is an everlasting struggle for being good and strong. *hugs*

((((Jen)))) I am so sorry you were hurt in a place that is supposed to be safe for healing. That stinks. I am sorry that the pain is too deep. I get that. Can you do any art right now to just show what that pain looks and feels like? Usually, that is the only thing I can do to keep from SI. It has been helping a bit to do that though. It lets me put the pain into a form that I can show T without T getting silent about a scar or new burn.

((((wepow))))

Thanks for you support hon. I will try the art, I just don't know what to even draw or scribble, right now everything is at the surface and all I do is stay in bed. Like I just feel sorry for myself or something.

Jen, that is just it... for me, the art isn't about art or making anything that makes any sense... it is usually the lines I NEED to put into my skin... I start that way... the repeated lines and the deep color.... And somehow just doing those lines and marks with the same feeling I would do on my body makes the process start. I end up sometimes ripping the paper with as hard as I am drawing. So now I use very thick paper or cardboard - like the inside of a cereal box. The "STUFF" that comes out is so intense and it sometimes ends up as a picture I never would have expected - usually something from my past that was inside me trying to escape.

That is the only way I can describe it... just the deep deep pain and agony NEEDS to get out of the system ...

Jen, you have just been through a terrible trauma. I don't blame you for not wanting to get out of bed. Please try to stay connected to helpful others during this time okay? Please continue to keep us posted.