[lenjan]

Mods, I have no idea if this should qualify for a trigger warning or not. Please add if needed.


Hi everyone,

I haven't posted in the forums for so long that I might as well be a noob. I do a lot of work behind the scenes here at PC, though. And I thought I had a handle on most of my "stuff," but I turned out to be wrong.

I have been sinking for awhile, but it's been especially bad the last couple of weeks. It culminated last night in some pretty bad SI. I could not possibly have cared less at the time -- in fact, it took everything I had to stop even after realizing I had probably overdone it. It's been years since I gave in, but now I can't remember why I quit....

Anyway, this morning when I woke up and got my first good look at the damage, my first thoughts were "^%$#@!" and "OMG, glad it's getting to be long-sleeved shirt weather." And then I spent the rest of the day trying to figure out how I'm going to hide it. Because obviously, there's no need for long sleeves in a climate controlled house, etc, and at some point, somebody is going to catch at least a glimpse. And they can't possibly be passed off as cat scratches.

So now I feel guilty, and horrible, and stupid, and ashamed -- all the while wanting to go do it some more, because I still need the relief. Anybody got any tips for me?



The artist formerly known as candybear (for those who may have known me then)

[puzzclar]

First and for most take care of the cuts, so that no scares may form. Feeling Guilty and horrible and stupid and ashamed is a good thing at this point but wanting to do more is not so good. But i do have to say that some times we give in to the feelings for some reason. can you find out what it was that caused this outbreak of si??

[lenjan]

Mmmm, but see, don't really care about the scars -- I have a zillion old ones, what's another handful? :-\

As for what caused it, I've had a massively stressful year. I won't get into all the details, but what seems to have set me off at this particular point is some HUGE family drama/BS. I just can't take anymore. I came back from a trip to get my mom moved into a nursing home and it was just a nightmare on many, many levels.

Really -- I could write a good-sized book about just the last couple weeks, much less the rest of the year. I have lost my ability to cope. And then my T flaked on me and didn't call me back when I needed him to, and that didn't help either, considering I have trust issues to begin with....

That was a long way of saying "I hate my life."

[Sannah]

Are you discussing this stress with your T?

[lenjan]

Yes. He proceeded to add to it yesterday. Rather uncool, I think, to tell someone in acute crisis "call me if it gets worse" and then blow them off when they do just that. I don't need any help being mistrustful or feeling abandoned. I see him Monday and am hoping he has a really good explanation for why he never called me back....but still....it put a big, big dent in my thinking he has my best interests at heart.

[Christine001]

Good you are posting and getting some support here, take care, maybe you should write it all down as might help to see it on paper xxxxx

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((( Lenjan )))))))))))))))

[puzzclar]

Some times the T doesn't have time but it doesn't help us. Have you tried doing some yoga poses that just hurt physicaly to do. It could help you, If you want it to help. Just keep in mind that, if you want something to hurt you can get it to that point. Now the Yoga can help in two ways, it can help you to breath through this, but it can also help you to feel some pain, take the poses a bit deeper until some pain sets in. I can promise you one thing, that the pain is better then cutting, even if you don't think so now, just keep going, keep writing here, keep checking here, just keep going life will get a bit better.

[Warrioress]

Water is really soothing to the nerves you know. You could try a nice long shower just to calm down a bit and then think about the problems with a more clear head. Support from our loved ones is an amazing thing but they're not always there for us. It would be much wiser and safer to rely on ourselves more than anybody else. It is also more difficult and requires more strength, but it helps in the long run. As for now, you shouldn't feel (to use your own words) guilty and horrible and stupid and ashamed. You were upset and out of coping mechanisms at the time and what's done is done. Hopefully, things will get better with time. As I always say to myself in rough times, it'll pass.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by lenjan

Yes. He proceeded to add to it yesterday. Rather uncool, I think, to tell someone in acute crisis "call me if it gets worse" and then blow them off when they do just that. I don't need any help being mistrustful or feeling abandoned. I see him Monday and am hoping he has a really good explanation for why he never called me back....but still....it put a big, big dent in my thinking he has my best interests at heart.

I do hope that you discuss all of this ^ with him. Please keep us posted.

[Fuzzybear]

Good to see you receiving the support you (and all of us) deserve

(((((((((((((( Lenjan )))))))))))))

always your friend
Fuzzy

[lenjan]

Love you, Fuzzness.

Big thank yous and hugs (if OK) to everyone who has responded. I started going back and doing the "thanks for this!" bit and then realized there were a lot more than I thought! I hope it's OK if I just say thanks in a post. Please know that I appreciate each of you.

My PC family has always been way better than my real one. For those who knew me then and those I'm just meeting now -- thank you.

[lenjan]

And so, in roughly 4.5 hours, I have to see T -- and ask why he bailed on me.

This is a conversation I do not know how to have. Because really, I just want to yell and scream and pout and act like a 5-year-old, and that's inappropriate. But I also need to telll him how abandoned I felt, and I don't have a good way to get it across.

[Sannah]

How did it go?

[lenjan]

Just got done. Kept me for over an hour, again.

The answer to the "why did you abandon me" question was that he didn't get the message. The nurses triage calls into a list that then goes to each therapist's email, and mine somehow didn't get through. When I asked how it was possible that a message of "I'm really not doing well and I need to talk to him" failed to go through, he said he'd had trouble with that before. He said from now on, if I needed him to just walk down here (matter of 2 blocks) and have them page him on the spot to come up and get me.

Not exactly confidence-inspiring in the front desk, but at least I know it wasn't him.

Thank you for checking on me!

[puzzclar]

I kind of thought it could be something like that. That's life, it happens and hopefully we can understand the next time, and learn from this experence. Hope you are doing a bit better.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((( lenjan )))))))))))))))

love,
furry paws