Doubly failed

So last night i gave in; it was 15 months since my last cut. It had been so hard but i'd done it.
Now have to start all over again.
The annoying thing is that feeling triggered and even the urge had gone away after 6 months of that time or so. Then just before Christmas it all came back, held of all of the niggling urges and sudden gripping triggered feelings. Until last night.
It wasn't even a desperate need that gave into - it was the niggling that finally got me :'(

Feel like let so many people down: the guy that finally helped me stop over a year ago, my friends, my bf, myself.... All because 'i wanted it'.

Not entirely sure what sort of support i'm after by posting on here. It's just so tempting to let myself go further and actually cut now after restraining myself to scratches with something. Just to ruin it completely. But the other part of me (the part that i ignored last night) wants me to keep going and go back to SH being in my past. It seemed to be going so well until a couple of months ago and then giving in last night :'(

</ramble>

You haven't failed, or let anyone down. 15 months is AWESOME, give yourself some credit for that. So you slipped and fell, get back up and just keep going. It's fine, I think we all slip sometimes. Don't give in now just because you think you blew it. You didn't.
You've done a great job so far, you can do it again!
Good luck!

thank you :-) your signature gives me hope too

guess just in need of support and encouragement now. maybe should go and see a counsellor to offload the last couple of months. don't trust them though. not after my last one.
so close to hating myself for being so weak and giving in. really thought was stronger than that....apparently not.
it's such a depressing thought to have to start again from 0. had got to 15. 15 was a nice number. 0 is not, and it's my fault i have to go there again. grah! stupid girl. <rages>

This ^ sounds like an excellent idea! Do you want to talk about what happened with the last one?

Thanks :-) have emailed about an appointment but had no reply yet.

She decided that i was a risk to myself (which i wasn't!) and got my school involved when i was 17, she warned me first because she had to but didn't give me an opportunity to prevent her, it was more an 'i'm going to do this btw' thing. Then either i had to tell my parents or they would, or go to the dr. Went to the dr. He and counsellor shoved me at CAMHs which was pointless because was going to get kicked off that as soon as turned 18 and there was only about 4 months until that. Got assessed and had depression put on my medical record. Things got better almost instantly when something changed at home though (which isn't supposed to happen with depression, right?) so yeah. May potentially have huuge problems getting a job now. (the law says they can't discriminate, so bosses just cite some other reason for rejection instead)

sorry that got long

Employers have access to your medical records?

No, you're (legally?) obliged to tick boxes on application forms quite often. Meh

((((livetofight))))

I am sorry you are so frustrated and struggling right now. But glad to hear that you are reaching out more and taking another chance with therapy I didn't know CAMH worked liked that? I thought their focus was to support people on a long-term basis?

(as for the forms for employment, unless they specifically ask, DO NOT CHECK - if they do ask, ask them why. Employers should not be discrimminating, or be involved in your personal business unless there is a risk of harm to you, others, or property, so if you are stable, don't sell yourself short)

Just try to take it one step-day-hour-moment at a time...

Just read this quote somehwere, and thought of you:

"The greatest accomplishment is not never falling, but to rise again after you fall." It was by Vincent something, don't remember. But I thought it was fitting.

THis article explains how they can't ask health questions.

http://www.ehow.com/list_7460038_que...ications_.html

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement and hope, notablackbarbie and whenwillitend! Really did help. (Your sig. is a good quote too whenwillitend )
Am slowly coming to terms with the fact that i gave in and that it's in the past now so can't be changed. (still kinda wish it could but it has taught me a valuable lesson).

That's a promising article Sannah, only hope it's the same case in the uk. Shall look into it when (if) my uni work ever eases off enough

Yes, it seems even stronger in the UK:

http://www.ehow.co.uk/list_7416706_q...lications.html

Ooh ok, thanks! Guess it depends on what want to do then, but surely as long as i stay ok for long enough it should be ok hopefully