[AnaBabo]

Me and my boyfriend are both used to hiding the fact that maybe we're not so okay, but recently we've been working on honestly telling each other. I'll ask him how he feels and he'll say okay, but we've gotten to a point where I can then say "truth?" and he'll tell me the truth. And he's gotten to the point where he can tell I'm lying and it doesn't take much after that for me to tell him. I used to scratch myself but I stopped when I got a scar and I realized I was just being kind of stupid... But still, I did it whenever I felt like I needed to. When things built up too much I would just scratch myself a bit until I felt really raw, and then I would be fine and wouldn't have to do it again for a while. But... Once I started dating him I told him I don't do it anymore and I haven't since but I need to so badly. It's killing me I really feel the need to hurt myself, and I can't because then I'd have to tell him and then I'd be worrying him. I mean, I could lie but I really don't want to. We've just started to build up from that...
This is just kind of a rant. You don't need to respond to it or anything...

[Sannah]

Do you understand what is causing your urges to SI?

[AnaBabo]

No... I don't know...
I know I'm stressed about grades and my parents and everything that's going on at home, but I don't feel like that would stress me out to the point of needing to hurt. Usually I just feel really guilty, and it's almost like I'm putting everything to rights by hurting myself. After I'm done I never feel quite satisfied, like I always need to do it more, but I do feel better about it. It's also kind of refreshing, kind of... I don't know.
Sorry. That was kind of descriptive.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by AnaBabo

I know I'm stressed about grades and my parents and everything that's going on at home,

Usually I just feel really guilty, and it's almost like I'm putting everything to rights by hurting myself.

Do you understand what is causing you to feel guilty?

[thine_self_untrue]

That sounds a lot like me and my bf. Good for you two, working on being honest! I think that's really important in relationships and being able to say what you are thinking and feeling is the only way to really know each other.

Telling my bf about my SI was really hard (I cut) and it was realy awkward at first. Sometimes it still it is. I know he doesn't really understand why I do it, just that I hurt myself and it upsets and hurts him to. Having someone else know and care about what you are doing to yourself makes it a lot harder to just say "What the hell?" and give up and give in. Which is a blessing and a curse in my case.

If you are still having urges, I think that it might be something to share with your bf. Not in too much detail, just the facts. SI is really hard for other people to understand. Just let him know that it is something you sometimes struggle with. If he cares about you, he should respond well. Talk it out until he understands what you are saying.

That's just my two cents (and its called 'two cents' for a reason- it ain't much! ) and I wish you all the best, whatever you decide to do.

[AnaBabo]

Aw, your advice is a lot to me, thine_self... Thank you... A lot more than two cents. You're really brave for talking to your boyfriend. He had to keep nagging me for me to get it out there. I wish I could tell him, but... See... He's dealing with so much right now... And what happened, that I haven't really mentioned yet on this site, is that his ex-girlfriend died recently... I can't talk about it that much, because I'm getting really upset, and I kind of feel like I'm betraying him when I talk about it, but she was suicidal... I don't want to scare him. He already can't sleep because of nightmares about her. I can't... I don't think I could do it to him....

And Sannah... I don't know... Just generally guilty, I guess. It's hard to explain...

Thank you, to both of you, though...

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by AnaBabo

And Sannah... I don't know... Just generally guilty, I guess. It's hard to explain...

Maybe you can think about it and try to figure it out? (When you feel guilty try to trace it back to the trigger.)

[thine_self_untrue]

Wow. That is rough stuff. I'm torn here about what to say. Seems like it might be best to keep it to yourself and spare him any more pain and worry right now, but then if he finds out later, that could be a serious blow to the trust in your relationship.
If you do tell him, make it clear that SI is not the same as being suicidal. (I'm making assumptions here, but you have not mentioned wanting to die here, just feeling like you need to hurt yourself.) Those are two different things that can get confused and scare people even more and if suicidal feelings are a part of it, please get help.