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Old Nov 08, 2005, 03:24 PM
ickydog2006's Avatar
ickydog2006 ickydog2006 is offline
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Member Since: Dec 2004
Location: NM
Posts: 1,455
3 months on the 17 without a cut. I almost blew it the other day. I guess will start off with I've been under a lot of stress. Grades, 3 loved ones dying, and then a sleep over.

One of my friends loves having nails, and loves to run them down my arm because my skin shows the marks really well. I let him. I feel so guilty. I only let him for the pain. I basically trick him into doing ti when I want the pain. The other day we were playing around and I started using my nails knowing he would. He started digging into my skin with one nail. It felt soooooo good. It tore skin and just a few more seconds would have probably drawn blood. I don't know how long he maintained his grip. I tranced, you know the feeling you get when your in complete bliss and all of a sudden come to and it's like 'what the heck did I just do'. I have't tranced since the last time I cut. I miss the feeling so badly. It's almost like I cut all over again and am going through the pain of withdrawal.

SO monday I came to school and was dying to cut. I hadn't taken my meds over the weekend and wasn't thinking straight. Was right back into suicidal mode. Luckily I had a friend with me that cuts and knows how bad it would be if I did again. She tried talking me down and yelled at me to stop as I was pounding my fist into my hand, not even realizing it was hurting like heck. Finally I resorted to listening to her speak logic to me and squeezing ice in both hands as hard as I could. Later I calmed down a little but was still on edge. I walked out of class and prayed with someone. I just want to cut so bad. I tried writing poetry, listening to music. No matter how much I try to distract myself my mind always focuses back on it. ARGH
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God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

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  #2  
Old Nov 08, 2005, 03:43 PM
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Rapunzel Rapunzel is offline
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Member Since: Jun 2003
Location: noplace
Posts: 10,284
I'm glad that your friend could help you. Sounds like you are hanging on with all you've got, so just take it a minute at a time if you have to, and talk to us or someone who can help whenever you need some extra support. Remember you're not alone in this.

Love,
Rap
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“We should always pray for help, but we should always listen for inspiration and impression to proceed in ways different from those we may have thought of.”
– John H. Groberg

  #3  
Old Nov 08, 2005, 04:37 PM
kax25 kax25 is offline
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Member Since: Sep 2004
Location: by canada
Posts: 72
Hey Ickydog thats great that you have gone so long without si-ing. You're a stong kid and i know you can go on even longer.It seems like you have a good friend to help you through the tough times. If you ever need to talk you can pm me. Take care of yourself.

Max
  #4  
Old Nov 08, 2005, 10:55 PM
bipolar_bear's Avatar
bipolar_bear bipolar_bear is offline
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Member Since: Aug 2005
Posts: 8,106
((((((((((ickydog)))))))))))) I am so sorry you are having such a rough time right now. I am glad you have a friend that understands what you are going through right now. Use that understanding to help you through this tough time. Try and live minute by minute if you need to. If you can, try and stay on your meds as this may help you from the feeling of having to cut. Use the strength you have and don't give up on other things that will distract you when the urge feels so strong. Good luck I am thinking of youl.
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