[cmlwtcos]

It's been a new record. I went 63 days without cutting. Today was a bad day. I ate too many calories, I burned too little, I smoked too much and I cried too much. The pain inside me screamed "stupid stupid stupid dumb fat stupid." I remember when I would get hurt and mother would kiss it and the pain would go away. I replaced mother with a razor. I hurt, the blade kisses my skin, pain vanishes, numbness washes over.

FAST-FORWARD
One hour
Bleeding stops. New cuts.
Two hours
Bleeding stops. New cuts.
Three hours
Bleeding stops. Feeling faint. New cuts.
Four five six seven hours.
Blacked out. Crusty blood hangs on my skin. Below my skin I see the fat. Can I cut it out?
Have I ever cut this deep? Tears fall on my thick fat skin. Stings. Serves me right because I'm just not enough.

I remember the instructions.
1. Look over preset Goals
2. What can I do to work to these Goals.
3. Collect thoughts, negative & positive.
4. Throw out negative.
5. Meditate on positive thoughts.
6. If negativity continues, tell some one.
7. If negativity continues, take one pill from the orange bottle with that white cap.
8. If negativity continues, call that one number and talk to that one guy. The one with the scruffy beard, the one who smells faintly of cigars and newspapers, the one who says those things you know are lies but you nod anyways.

What am I on, #6?
Just because I follow the instructions, it doesn't mean I need to, want to, have to.

[disguise123]

but you are telling. and thats more positive than not. Are you ok?

[cmlwtcos]

Originally Posted by disguise123

but you are telling. and thats more positive than not. Are you ok?

I've forgotten what it is to be okay. Thanks for the concern.

[disguise123]

ive been in bad situations myself in the past, i want you to know if you ever need to talk, a distraction, anything im here.
I wont be shocked or triggered, just a sholder to lean on ok?

[disguise123]

also the games section here is a great distraction, you might have to work at it at first but it might just give you some release.

[phoenix7]

you dealt wiht it in a way that was not helpful - i have the scars to show i know about that - somtimes we fall down and we do things that arnt the best for us - but we survive and start again

you hit a wonderful target

remember one second one minute one hour one day - these are all great targets too

you did it before so you can do it again

we fall we get up

survive one second at a time if you have too

keep your hands busy and if you can - get rid of your blades that make it ... not an easy option ...but an option

you can do this - i am starting again as of this second - and so can you

P7

[cmlwtcos]

Originally Posted by phoenix7

you dealt wiht it in a way that was not helpful - i have the scars to show i know about that - somtimes we fall down and we do things that arnt the best for us - but we survive and start again

you hit a wonderful target

remember one second one minute one hour one day - these are all great targets too

you did it before so you can do it again

we fall we get up

survive one second at a time if you have too

keep your hands busy and if you can - get rid of your blades that make it ... not an easy option ...but an option

you can do this - i am starting again as of this second - and so can you

P7

Thanks you phoenix, I can't throw the blades away. It's not that I don't want to, it's that I'm a fashion design student. I use the blade to cut my fabrics and threads. I sew to take my mind off of things. I constantly use the knife to cut my work. I took my pills and mother sent me to the doctor's this morning when she saw the blood stained floors. I'm a little better. Too many pills to tell otherwise. I keep my self busy with my knife, not one me... Yet. Ivebcounted by the minute. So far, my number increases.

[Sannah]

So you are in therapy?

[cmlwtcos]

Originally Posted by Sannah

So you are in therapy?

Yep. I don't think it helps at all.

[disguise123]

i hope you are ok

[thine_self_untrue]

[Sanada]

Be Well. Well Done
We are all here for you.
If i ever feel the need to c*t i just log into PC.
Then the need fades.
PC has helped me in ways that my T could never do, but i still need my T. She is just as important as PC, but PC is always with me, i dont need an appointment to come here.

I hoped this helped.
Take Good Care.
P.S. You are worth it, you are a human being with all the wonderful traits that come with being what we are. YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN GOLD AND DIAMONDS. We do what we do and get distracted sometimes. You are loved and blessed by all at PC.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by cmlwtcos

Yep. I don't think it helps at all.

Can I ask what you 2 are working on in therapy?