[cmlwtcos]

It had been my greatest record but I cut once and can't stop. Now, I am grateful. I savor each cut I make. Surgical and calculated, each cut is identical like me and the billions of people alive. I can't stop anymore. I cut deep and let myself bleed freely. I watched it pool between my legs, I dipped my finger in it, held it at eye level and let the droplets fall back. One by one, the sixteen drops fell to the puddle creating a splatter on me. I closed my eyes and laid my unwashed hands to my savaged flesh. The burning sensation spread to my bones. It heated me up as I imagined the infection creep to my torso. There is festered and fed, taking all the toxic calories out of me. I imagined the blood transform into fat, an oily liquid slowly coating my thighs as it pour out of me. I lifted my eyelids to see no blood. I examined my finger, my skin, my cuts, the blood had vanished. In it's place, I noticed oil, thick and yellow yet clear, but nonetheless oil. I realized my mind wasn't in the right place. Blink. Blink. Blink. Blink. Drink. Blink. Blood. Good, the blood wasn't gone. I sat there on my floor allowing the blood of leak between my legs, stain my carpet, dry on my cuts, dry on my skin, dry on my carpet. I drank. I perceived my body dead, lifeless, and alone. Tears rolled down my cheeks, melting away at my carefully applied mask of normality. I don't want to die, all I want is to be real. The tears spilled off my face and hit my legs. Each tear clouded with red and brought life to the blood. Getting up, I felt the blood loss get to me, and vertigo set in. I stumbled to my bed, an endeavor feeling like a mile rather than a yard. Upon awaking, I knew I wanted to change, change my ways, my carpet and my mind. Here I write this in the mindset. I don't know, maybe an hour from now this post won't be a memory but reality and the present.

[Sanada]

When it was an addiction it did get like that for myself. I remember in the end being sooooooooo OCD about each cut that it was like you say seeing something, good or bad , leak out. I placed paper around me so the carpets and beds were not stained, I would clean and bandage myself sometimes, other times I woke with dried blood on my arms and face, then rush to clean.

Only in the Addictive stage was it like that cause I remember only too well the pain and swelling on my arm, OWCH. It burned, and I did regret it always, always a regret forever, but now its stopped I have no shame of it.
I guess the addictive stage lasted 3 years only out of 5 years of doing it (on and off).

[cmlwtcos]

Originally Posted by Sanada

When it was an addiction it did get like that for myself. I remember in the end being sooooooooo OCD about each cut that it was like you say seeing something, good or bad , leak out. I placed paper around me so the carpets and beds were not stained, I would clean and bandage myself sometimes, other times I woke with dried blood on my arms and face, then rush to clean.

Only in the Addictive stage was it like that cause I remember only too well the pain and swelling on my arm, OWCH. It burned, and I did regret it always, always a regret forever, but now its stopped I have no shame of it.
I guess the addictive stage lasted 3 years only out of 5 years of doing it (on and off).

I can't even say how much it scares me by the thought of these feelings and obsession lasting for years. At the same time I can't explain that relief I feel by the though that this won't stop now. I guess I shouldn't be by myself for too long with knife and a bottle if vodka. Well, at least for how ever long this lasts.

[Sanada]

Originally Posted by cmlwtcos

I can't even say how much it scares me by the thought of these feelings and obsession lasting for years. At the same time I can't explain that relief I feel by the though that this won't stop now. I guess I shouldn't be by myself for too long with knife and a bottle if vodka. Well, at least for how ever long this lasts.

drinking can be a very very certain trigger when going through these sorts of feelings.
I recommend not drinking at all if having thoughts of cutting. Drinking has to be one of the worse things (or drinking will make us more vunerable to cut), when going through a s/i stage in life.

[cmlwtcos]

Originally Posted by Sanada

drinking can be a very very certain trigger when going through these sorts of feelings.
I recommend not drinking at all if having thoughts of cutting. Drinking has to be one of the worse things (or drinking will make us more vunerable to cut), when going through a s/i stage in life.

I normally drink to get my mind off these feelings... I guess my method of prevention is actually counterproductive.

I cut again. Eating is my trigger. I've decided to not eat. That way I won't have to cut.

[XxLifexX]

That was very powerful. I share a lot of feelings that you do. I'll go a long time with out it, then once I do it one more time, I can't seem to stop.
Feel better.

[Sannah]

Do you have a therapist?

[cmlwtcos]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Do you have a therapist?

Not anymore. I moved two weeks ago... :\

[cmlwtcos]

Originally Posted by XxLifexX

That was very powerful. I share a lot of feelings that you do. I'll go a long time with out it, then once I do it one more time, I can't seem to stop.
Feel better.

When society thinks about SI, it's always about attention and drama or 'emo.' I've never heard it called an addiction, well I have but never understood what they meant by it. I feel that this new experience helps me understand what it means to really be addicted to something, even if it's as shameful as cutting and burning.

[Sannah]

I hope that you will be looking into getting a new therapist. People have addictions because they are unable to deal with their feelings. The addictions release endorphins which improve mood. If you don't want to have addictions then you need to learn how to deal with your feelings. Therapy is required.

[cmlwtcos]

Originally Posted by Sannah

I hope that you will be looking into getting a new therapist. People have addictions because they are unable to deal with their feelings. The addictions release endorphins which improve mood. If you don't want to have addictions then you need to learn how to deal with your feelings. Therapy is required.

I got a new therapist but it'll be a while before I can fully trust him.

[Sannah]

This is great news! It is so normal to need time to develop trust. Keep us posted?