[nicoleb2]

I admitted to my T that I wanted to cut really bad while I was in our session today, and that had I had anything to I would have. I can't believe that I admitted that to her! She was totally fine and just said we needed to make a plan for while I was there and when I left.

I hate that I had to admit that to her.. I feel like I am letting myself and her down

[puzzclar]

Originally Posted by nicoleb2

I hate that I had to admit that to her.. I feel like I am letting myself and her down

MMM.... you may hate to admit it to her but you did the right thing. Making a plan to stay safe is what you needed right there. Now the fact of letting yourself and her down, yes it happened, but you come first. If you feel like you are letting yourself down, change it. But do realize that change takes time. It will be hard, but after it's hard is when things become easier to cope with (or so I'm told) Do things for yourself, and be glad you admitted something so hard, and that you are getting closer to something even better.

Keep smiling

[nicoleb2]

I don't feel like I am getting closer to anything better. I feel worse again... I want so badly to cut right now! My T wants me to accept the fact that I can't remember half my life because of ECT, and I just don't know how I can accept that

[puzzclar]

Accepting memory loss is hard. I've actually had some memory loss, and the way that I tried to get some of the memories back, was to look at pictures or written material.

Now accepting that it happened no matter the way it was loss, that is hard. But one thing to be grateful for is the fact you can't remember the bad times. (I hope) It's at least something to smile about.

Remember healing takes time, it doesn't happen over night... no matter how much we want it to. Take it one day at a time, that's all you can do. Or if needed one moment at a time. I hope this helps, and I hope you get through this moment.

[nicoleb2]

I didn't really have any times that were too bad. My childhood was good from what i have been told and what i remember, which is part of what makes it so hard.

I don't even know who I am anymore.

[puzzclar]

Originally Posted by nicoleb2

I don't even know who I am anymore.

This says a lot!!! and I'm not entirely sure what to say. I hope another will have the right words for you.

[blackhumor]

I just wanted to let you know that you are not the only one that has dealt with this. I too just recently told my T about wanting to cut during and after sessions with her. Now a lot of times she will make it a point to ask me before I leave to make sure I am ok. It was hard for me to do but I knew it was something that needed to be done if I was going to get any better. I was a little proud of myself because in the past I would have just buried it like everything else but today I'm trying to get better and to change.

[nicoleb2]

I am trying to change. I am trying not to cut anymore. I'm having such a hard time right now though because I just don't know how to get past this

[Sannah]

It is very good that you told your T that in session! Do you think that you get better by hiding what you are feeling? This is sooooo far from the truth. You get better by sharing everything with your T. Do you feel shame from sharing these things?

[SoupDragon]

I don't know who I am either, it is hard when sometimes I don't even recognise myself in the mirror or recognise the words or sounds that come out of my mouth - but I remind myself that I am who I am right at this moment.

I think you were so brave to share your urge to cut with your T - for me it would be a reflection of the amount of emotion I was feeling at the time and I am sure your T was glad you shared this. SD

[nicoleb2]

I don't really feel shame when sharing my feelings. I just get VERY overwhelmed by them and it scares me because the urges and suicidal thoughts get worse when I do. I don't like to be that vulnerable.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I relate.

I often wonder if it will ever go away; that need to hurt myself.

It's better, but it hasnt' stopped altogether.

It's a hard thing.

Billi

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by nicoleb2

I just get VERY overwhelmed by them and it scares me because the urges and suicidal thoughts get worse when I do. I don't like to be that vulnerable.

Have you shared this with your therapist?

[BrokenNBeautiful]

also, I hate how vulnerable it makes me feel, too.

Billi

[nicoleb2]

I talked to my T today.
Well, sort of.
It was a tough session with her telling me she's frustrated with me. I am really going to try to focus on "feeling my feelings" this week