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#1
Jun 23, 2011, 02:43 AM
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Its been like... 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8, or 9.. yes, 8 or 9 years since I last...well, self-injured....Yep, 8 or 9 years later..a little girl is screaming ( not literally) but, a little girl is screaming inside of me, telling me to do it again...Telling me that there is NO WHERE else for my pain to go,
other than my wrists, convincing me that, "she" doesn't want me to hurt anymore but, at the same time, she wants to SEE the pain in front of her because if its on my arms, if its marked by skin, at least she knows its real...at least the little girl won't have to hide anymore, her pain can be set free. Having thoughts about dying...( I struggle with depression ) and repressing those thoughts on a daily basis because I know dying is not an option...is what I do. Its what I would do if I wanted to be a coward in fear, but, I want to be a strong woman...but, I think repressing that WANT (that thought of dying) for so long, feels like forever since I've been repressing it, makes me want to self-injure..to see the scars on the inside transform themselves to the outside of me and come to life...That little girl is sick of crying and kicking and being teased and hurt..she just wants justice from her past, from her pain, from the knawing, aching feeling inside that she is alone and always will be. help her. help me. someone. I'm just weak.--and so very human.--
__________________
---  A bird doesn't sing because it has all the answers, it sings because it has a song.Maya Angelou. so sing. Jazz, sing. --jazzy123456 ---------------------------- "You're not here merely to make a living. You are here to enable the world to live more amply, with greater vision, and with a finer spirit of hope and achievement. You are here to enrich the world. You impoverish yourself if you forget this errand." (Woodrow Wilson) 
Last edited by jazzy123456; Jun 23, 2011 at 03:21 AM. |
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#2
Jun 23, 2011, 03:33 PM
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I almost feel like a hypocrite for even thinking about answering your post, because when I feel like that, I don't wait to post about it or talk to someone or anything. When I feel like that, I can't imagine caring about any possible reasons not to cut (though I'll do it someplace hidden, and never very extreme). So you are doing good to post about these thoughts, feelings, and urges you are having. Especially, to recognize where they are coming from and what they mean.
Your little girl really needs to be heard. There is more than one way for her to be heard. Your post is one of them. Does she feel better now at all? Even a little bit? If she is screaming, is there a place where you can go and let her scream out loud until she is satisfied? Sometimes I scream while I'm driving down the freeway. I don't think anybody can hear me over all the engine noise, and if they can, they don't know me anyway, so it doesn't matter. I didn't think that I could scream, but I guess I can. Of course, there is always the pros and cons thing. You can write out the reasons for and against cutting, and also the pros and cons for doing something else instead. Don't let yourself off with "there aren't any pros to cutting." If there weren't, you wouldn't be thinking about it and none of us would ever do it. The pros can be a great hint to help figure out what you need that it doesn't seem like you can get any other way. Just remember that there are also reasons that you haven't done it in 8 or 9 years, and that there are other things you can do instead. Take care of yourself and that little girl in you. You both deserve to be heard, and to be safe.
__________________
“We should always pray for help, but we should always listen for inspiration and impression to proceed in ways different from those we may have thought of.” – John H. Groberg
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#3
Jun 23, 2011, 06:58 PM
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That girl needs to speak in therapy.
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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#4
Jun 23, 2011, 09:43 PM
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that "little girl" does feel better...whenever i take the time to process what I am feeling ... through writing.
Right now, I'm crying my eyes out and can't help it... I think if I wasn't crying right now I'd be cutting... but, even my tears are like an experience of letting that little girl be heard...letting me actually FEEL the pain..which I haven't wanted to do. and sannah, your right. won't really say much about the comment. but, your right. & Thanks-- for the comment Rapunzel, there have been many times where I have given advice on subjects I struggle with...I think thats okay sometimes because hearing advice from someone who struggles with the same thing and someone who doesn't or never has, is very different. there are pros and cons to both... at least I know if someone who cuts gives me a response they understand EXACTLY where I'm coming from, people who've never done it, may give valuable advice but, they may not relate as well... see... so, yeah..I think its good when we help one another out.
__________________
--- A bird doesn't sing because it has all the answers, it sings because it has a song.Maya Angelou. so sing. Jazz, sing. --jazzy123456 ---------------------------- "You're not here merely to make a living. You are here to enable the world to live more amply, with greater vision, and with a finer spirit of hope and achievement. You are here to enrich the world. You impoverish yourself if you forget this errand." (Woodrow Wilson)
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#5
Jun 24, 2011, 11:39 AM
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Quote:
Quote:
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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#6
Jun 26, 2011, 01:48 AM
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(((((Jazzy)))))
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#7
Aug 08, 2011, 05:26 PM
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((((((((((((( Jazzy )))))))))))))
__________________
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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