[Sanada]

Still going strong (kinda), after nearly 4-5 months of being in PC I have not cut.
The urges are still there. I have to control them cause one slip and I will be cutting again.
I live in hell at the moment. So I am very very surprised I have not cut.
When/ or if, I move home I'm worried that I will cut when I look in hindsight at whats happened over the last half year.

I do think that will be the 'acid test' for myself. Once I've moved on from this living hell at the moment. Friends have gone over and sui'd at less than what is going on in life at the moment.

I have to avoid thinking of cutting, and think more of the regret I'll have later. But oh my goodness is the urge there. I am getting better at self control but i dont know how long this will last.

I have to keep coming here to PC to find my crutch, it's a good crutch and support network. But I am still faced with crappy life when I log out.

I'll try my best to make it to 6 months. I think I will. With the help and advice I get here.
Wish Me Luck (I need it).

Thanks.

[Sannah]

Do you have a therapist Sanada?

[Sanada]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Do you have a therapist Sanada?

yes sannah i have a t. She is a specialist in S/H, or S/I, and she is a drug rehabilitation person too.
I love her dearly and she is very very good at just being there for me right when i need her.

But (awww), there is always a 'but'.

She is distant in ways i cannot see. I want to bring her closer in to my life but i am afraid of that. I am a guy, she is a woman. I have had feelings for her which i know could never happen in real life.
That is a thing i have known since ever having a t. Its a danger i have feared.
I love her. I don't love her.
She is my t.
I open up as much as i can to her, but there is a line in between us.
I know i should not have feelings for her.
I have placed a reply a while ago in the 'Feelings Toward Ones T', bit of the psych therapy section in the forums.
She is just my current t. I will be changing soon and i'm sure its going to cost me alot of heart ache and £££/$$$.
So i feel lost.

[whenwillitend]

4-5 months is a great accomplishment, congrats! And you're managing to control the urges, which shows that what you're doing is working. I'm sorry life is rough for you at the moment, I hope things will get easier soon. For now, give yourself a big pat on the back for a job well done.

[Sannah]

Sanada, have you been discussing these things with your T? This is VERY important to do. These things can be worked through. Letting them simmer under the surface is not good. Things need to be brought into the open where they can be dealt with.

[Mediator]

Originally Posted by Sanada

yes sannah i have a t. She is a specialist in S/H, or S/I, and she is a drug rehabilitation person too.
I love her dearly and she is very very good at just being there for me right when i need her.

But (awww), there is always a 'but'.

She is distant in ways i cannot see. I want to bring her closer in to my life but i am afraid of that. I am a guy, she is a woman. I have had feelings for her which i know could never happen in real life.
That is a thing i have known since ever having a t. Its a danger i have feared.
I love her. I don't love her.
She is my t.
I open up as much as i can to her, but there is a line in between us.
I know i should not have feelings for her.
I have placed a reply a while ago in the 'Feelings Toward Ones T', bit of the psych therapy section in the forums.
She is just my current t. I will be changing soon and i'm sure its going to cost me alot of heart ache and £££/$$$.
So i feel lost.

Hi Sanada
Sorry you should not have feeling for her? I know for sure that what is a problem that we think what we should feel. Therefore I do mindfulness meditation there is not thinking just truth. Sometimes the truth makes me sick but meditation helps to go through.
By the way I like Sannah she helps me and many others people here. I do not want to write what sometimes I feel if she makes a good point that I am my problem.
Take care
Mediator

[Xeneon]

You have a made it to 4 to 5 Months!!! Thats awsome!!! I'm sorry you feel that there is something in between you and her. Have thought about telling her that and the feeling or urges??? Do you have to change T's or do you want to change T's so that it will be easier? Keep up the good work!!!

[Sanada]

I have to change t soon cause she is not exactly working (or focusing upon s/h at the moment), she is my drug rehabilitation t at the moment. She does talk to me about s/h but the cases she deals with are not like mine.
My own personal s/h'ing started after an accident 5 years ago, an it has addictive qualities. The people she deals with are deep cutters and are in hosp for a long time cause of the damage they have done. So I do not cross the subject with her much.
When I cut I self heal to without needing to go to hosp. There is a big difference in between someone in a coma for 6 months and my own self harm which is nothing like that.
I guess like in every thing there is a gradient of how far one goes.
I look at my self (and my t looks at my scars and thinks), they are serious, but not suicidal. Its a very weird situation. I have admitted that what I do/did is an addiction thing.
Thank you for the replies.
As long as I can get through the weekend with out cutting I should be OK.
The weekend thing is just that; its the part of the week I dislike the most at the moment cause I used to spend it with people whom are not alive or around. And never will be again.

[Xeneon]

That makes sense. To bad she couldn't work with you with it. Try to have a good weekend and maybe look for different people you could start hanging out with. Take care!!!

[Sannah]

The things that are causing you to abuse drugs are the same which cause the SI. Is she helping you with the things that caused the urges to abuse drugs?