I want out

Over a week with at least 5 messages that I left, he basically said he was busy. I've never done this before, the messages I left expressed how I was feeling plus I was hysterical on a few. How am I to trust him like I did before, (BTW-which took a long time)?

I don't know if I want his 'help' anymore. He just seems so cold, eventhough a mutal friend of both of ours - who does know what has been going on with me - keeps telling me that he's committeed to helping. I just don't know if I'm up to this anymore. I told both my T and Pdoc that I thought I might need to go back to the hospital...the Pdoc seemed to be the only one conserned, then again-it was because he messed up my meds that I was so messed up.

I still get tempted with the bottle of pills. I still have quite a few left and I'll be refilling the perscription next week. I still have the scars on my leg...probably have them for a while. I just keep remembering how much better I felt after I cut myself, it was like a relase from it all for a little while.

River, I have been conversing with you here for awhile now and one thing that I think that I have picked up on is that you want to keep your T as far away from you as possible. You keep saying it is him but I think it is you.

Then I guess I should say goodbye to the bothe of you!!!

Ah, you run when challenged. That will get you no where fast.

Hey River,
I get how difficult i can be to finally trust someone and then feel like they have abandoned you, and the feelings about just wanting to be done, that it isn't worth it...i get those too....so try to believe me when I ask you to just hang in there. take a step back and look at your options. if you no longer can trust your T and you do not want to try to get him to understand your position, that is completely understandable...Sometimes matches that we think are good are not, so something you could consider is trying another T especially if you dont think you can trust your current one anymore. But you can try to work through this stuff with your current one honestly, telling them how this broke your trust, etc. sometimes people screw up in relationships--yes even Ts...and it takes time to get one "perfect" and sometimes you dont need to throw in the towel but try to correct what went wrong. either way, I know you are struggling right now...and that you want to SI and end a lot of things...but you have made it so far, please keep fighting to the part where it actually gets better. as far as the meds making you feel not like you, have you ever discussed the possibility of trying a different kind or dosage or anything like that....you need to find the type you find most comfortable and effective for you...but listen, your dignity is never compromised...and those that you are working with dont see your dignity as compromised, im sure. You are strong because you are fighting and communicating and that is so important. if you would like to talk please PM me. Your not alone. Take care of yourself, everything that we struggle through makes us stronger.

Good luck with everything.