I want out

I haven't been away or had a real vacation in 5 yrs, I just left yesterday to see a friend I never get to see, but all I've don't since I got here is cried. I can't handle this. I wish I nevEr left and I know that when I get home that's going to be the end of things. This was a huge mistake.

Try and enjoy the time with your friend. The crying can and will pass. Have hope, things will turn around, some time.

I just have 1 more week, but this was the worst thing that I could have done. I don't want to be here anymore. I need this all to end unfortunately I can't do anything here. The pdoc and t are a joke! So are all the drugs they put me on.

Try to find the reason why you are with you're friend. It would seem that you have a close connection to you're friend, to be able to cry with them.
I hope it gets better for you on vacation.
Take Care.

Why is it so hard?

I don't feel like I haven any control of my emotions. The meds have made me so self consious...my friend has been great and is litterally the only person that I've been able to tell any of this too, but it isn't fare that I dump all this on her! She has her hands full with her family and I'm trying to help her the best that I can. I've left messages for my pdoc and t but, they haven't gotten back to me. I just feel like a basket case...I've tried to get home but can't...way too expesive to change things and I know what's going to happen when I get home!

Thank you for trying...It's apprechated.

I have been trying...the crying hasn't stopped-thanks anyway.

What is going to happen when you get home?

I think the crying is probably coming so much because you kept so much inside for so long that when you left & knew you were in a safe place with your friend, the flood gates opened. In a way this is good because of all the emotions you have had penned up inside.....they were bound to come out somehow & this is really the safest & best way for you to express those emotions.

It is good that you have been able to get away even though you don't feel it....getting away from a difficult situation is actually one of the best ways to deal with a crisis situation (distressful situation) we are in. Calling your mom every day isn't a problem...it's good to know she's ok....but the rest of the time, let your self just be. It sounds like your friend is very supportive & is validating your feelings.....what better surrounding could you ask for even if you feel you are dumping on her.....sometimes life just puts us into that kind of situation & we just have to deal with it....not like it's a permanent condition even though it may feel like it at the time.

I think we are programmed to think that all vacations are to be fun & relaxation...but sometimes vacations are just to get away & let ourselves just be what we need to be at the time & get rid of the expectations.....it's just what you need at this time in your life...a time to just let out those emotions without feeling guilty & allow yourself to be yourself at this moment.....what & who you need to be to express all the pain & struggles that have been penned up for so long.

I know I was in a tough situation at work back in 1993.....Christmas vacation I thought would help....time away from work, I could go back & not feel the horrible way I was feeling about the position I was in. All I did was sit at home & cry over that holiday vacation & when the first of the year came, I couldn't go back to work....the anxiety made me so sick, I couldn't get myself to go back & kept calling in sick.....in my case, I never was able to go back to work....but the point was that the vacation was desperately needed to let out all the emotions that were running through me & there is nothing wrong with allowing yourself the freedom to feel & hopefully you will get a bit of energy to survive what you are dreading going back to.

I can make sure that I'll never have to go through this anymore. I can end it all

River, please be safe. This WILL pass. Will you see your therapist when you get back?

I haven't decided if I should...pay him to tell him goodbye, seems like a waste too me!

River, don't use a permanent "solution" to a temporary problem.

I'm at my wits end...I don't know what to do anymore!

Are you home yet?

I just got back last night.

hugs....

I wish that things could be the way they were. I remember being happy but, it seems like a lifetime ago. I'm supposed to see my T in a 2 days. I will wait to speakk to him. I just wish I had a reason to be hopeful for the future-It's so hard to believe that things will ever be like that again.

I just meet with t. I still don't know what to do!
I am so conflixted about everything. He seems to think that everything will be fine but, he isn't me! He doesnt seem to get how much I'm hurting.

Did you try to convey this info to him?

Yes, I think know he understands a little better, but it still is hard. I know there are times that I shouldn't be alone.

Very good! Keep working!

I dont know how much longer I want to keep up with this. Part of me feels like both the t & pdoc have taken whatever dignity I had away. It wasn't this bad when I first stared coming and now with the meds and psycho babble everything seems so much worse!