t wants me to...

I saw my t today. She was much more accepting and kind and gentle than I led myself to believe she would be (seems to be a common theme with me, catastrophizing).

Now, because of what I have been using to cut, and the fact that it is something my husband has on a regular basis because of his work, t wants me to bring my husband to my session next week.

We had discussed this a while ago, but I avoided it and then si'd less frequently.

T is afraid if I keep up at the rate I'm going, I'd end up hospitalized again (I told her that I'd NEVER go to the hospital again). So then she said she didn't want to see me end up dead because I can't get things under control...

So now, I have to try and force myself to tell my husband that I need him to go to therapy with me.

T was nice and offered to use a different room than her office, which is good, because otherwise her office would no longer be my safe place.

Anyway, I guess I'm just rambling, but I know some of you will kind of understand, and rambling helps me not feel like throwing up at the thought (well, not as much anyway)

I'd never go to the hospital again... That sounds very familiar. I've said that... and who knows I could go back there.... In fact I said that after my first admission, and ended up going back 3 years later....

I can understand T perspective but, at the same time I wonder if you will decrease again like the last time with the prospect of having your husband there with you at your next session... time will tell, but if you need to talk... I'll be there for you.

I'm not sure I really want to admit just how many times I've been hospitalized in the last 5 years... way more than 2....

I told my husband. He said he had noticed the cutting but didn't know what to say.
Now I want to throw up, to disappear, to do worse to myself than the cutting ever did

Yikes... then again a lot of people may notice but they wont say anything.... and ya, disappearing would be good, but stay as safe as you can.

Why? I'm sorry that I don't understand..........

Maybe this will help, when someone notices something that you don't want them to have noticed that's when you feel anger, or depressed that you couldn't hide it, or sometimes even feeling like nothing.

I feel like this because bad choices or not, I'm still an adult and I want to be treated like one.
Apparently I left out of the last post that he's watching my every move.
I'm frustrated and angry and tired of it all.

I kinda guessed the last part, about him watching your every move... that's what I'm trying to avoid.... Just keep in mind that at least here we don't watch your every move... it's up to you what you want to say (always a good thing)

The difference about coming here and talking about it is you guys understand, because you've been there, and I don't live with you and have to worry about it.

I texted my t tonight, didn't tell her that I'm irritated with her, did tell her I'm pissed at my husband and it's making me want to do things i shouldn't...

she gave me ideas to survive tonight, tomorrow, my husband isn't home, so I'll be able to breathe without being watched

At least she gave you ideas... and tomorrow will be good for you, to be away from that constant watching, but I will say this, sometimes it's a good thing to be watched... Okay I needed to see that on screen. I hope you those ideas work for you, and if they work, write them down for the next time you need them.

Can you tell him that his constant watching is making you upset?