[WePow]

Ok guys. I was a cutter big time and head banger.
So I have tried to give that up.
But I am now pushing nicotine...
it is strange because it is not suicidal...
and I do not smoke...
but I am crushing the nicotine mints at work and keep putting them in my hot coco.

I know they are harming me and I feel my heart hurt when I do it.
It is like it is punishing my heart in my mind.
If I feel the pain from stress or anger or sadness, I do this.

I am afraid that I will push it too much and OD.
My T kinda knows I do this, but has not said anything about it.
He just says all these things are avoiding the pain.
I think I am addicted to avoiding myself!!!!

Anyone else do this?? Why do I just go from one form of self harm to another form?

[Sannah]

Hey WePow, people have addictions to help them deal with their pain. Addiction switching happens because they all work. Do you think that you are punishing yourself for having pain?

[WePow]

There is a good chance! Thank you!!!

[BlueMoon6]

I think anything can be an addiction and form of SI. I have definitely learned that. Anything can be used against ourselves. Just to hurt ourselves for whatever reason we want to do that.

Are you physically addicted to the nicotine? If so, maybe you can sort of cut down on how many you put into your coco. Another thought, do you ever feel like you self-medicate with stimulants? I say that because I do/have done it. With coffee. Instead of nicotine mints, maybe try a cup of coffee? Maybe that is "bad advice." Going from one addiction to another. Coffee may give you the lift you may be looking for without resorting to crushing up a bunch of nicotine mints.

Just a thought.

[ickydog2006]

Sometimes I feel like all I do is go from one negative coping mechanism to the next now, so you are definitely not alone. And I have been inclined to do reckless behaviors (which is what I'd say your pill crushing is, along with SI because you know it hurts yourself). The other day I took almost a double dose of extra anxiety meds I have from years ago. I was stressed, and just wanted to sleep, and I was in a "I don't care mood" so the rational part of me wasn't screaming at me to not do it, so I took the pills. I don't know, maybe I was secretly hoping it would hurt me. I don't know.

[WePow]

Thanks again guys. I am not addicted. I actually don't think I can get addicted to nicotine because I tried to smoke and I don't get the withdraws. It is odd.
I just do it because I want my heart to race and get damaged.

[SallyBrown]

I'm sorry WePow . I never used nicotine for SI, but I did use food deprivation. I used to not eat to feel the pain of hunger. It was a way of punishing myself and my body, without leaving bruises or scars. Even now sometimes, on bad days, the thought occurs to me, "I don't deserve to eat because..."

I wish I knew how to tell you how to stop finding new ways to self-harm. But it's important that you do recognize what you're doing, and that it is not safe.

Maybe it's about avoiding the pain, or yourself -- but maybe it's also about feeling like you don't deserve to feel emotionally sad or hurt, and moreover that you (or your heart) ought to be punished for such things.

[Perna]

There's a lot of conversation about the mints being marketed to appeal to children?

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/04/19/bu...tml?ref=health

Any idea if a teen in your system is having a problem and "choosing" this maybe? A little teen rebellion or "getting even" for losing an argument?

[WePow]

Perna, thanks for the link! It actually is the teen alter who started us out with the mints. When we found out how it made us not feel well, it because a method of SI while at work. It was a lot easier to just keep popping them, or grinding up a handful, and mixing it with my hot coco. That alter actually was trying to OD using that method when we first started.

I called the suicide hotline when that happened and told the lady one of my alters was trying to kill us by nicotine overdose. SHE LAUGHED!!! She was like "How is that supposed to happen!" yes - laugher. Not just a chuckle. And that was after waiting for 20 min on hold to get through to her in the first place!!!

[Broken_Wings87]

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling, I have very strange ways of "punishing" myself, well I find them strange (I would love to ask people here but am afraid that it may be inappropriate). Sorry I didn't mean to make this about me. I hope you can find a healthy coping strategy, I know easier said than done.