help :(

I am so frustrated, and depressed, and angry, and those are the only emotions I've been able to sort out and name so far.

I haven't cut in a long time -- at least a year -- but every month, my pdoc asks me about it, and I've always reminded myself that it used to work really well, and when I'm good and down, the urge is going to reassert itself.

Well, it has. Really, really badly. But this time it has a twist.

Thanks to a recently discovered chronic illness, for which I am still in treatment and will be for several more months, I have IV lines stitched into my left arm, to make it easier to draw blood without poking me 18 times (I have bad veins) and to facilitate outpatient transfusions.

My family was terrific when they and the drs. thought I was going to die, but since I've been home (early January) and recovering, they now think I am fine. I am NOT fine. I had a doctor tell me he wouldn't object to my working 20 hours, so I mentioned that in a family email, and now it's all they're bugging me about --- got a job yet?

Yes, they have helped me financially, and I know they have their own bills to pay and are tired of paying mine, but it's not like I'm sitting on my butt waiting for handouts. I have applied for every aid program I can find, etc. I live alone and have no built-in caretaker and no one's second income to rely on. Friends have helped as much as they can, but I've been fighting with unemployment as to whether I qualify. I have a hearing with them Thursday. I am waiting till then to really pursue a part-time job, which I still am not sure I can handle physically.

Anyway, what I have been thinking about doing is screwing up the indwelling IV lines, not necessarily cutting my skin. It was a surgical procedure to put it in, and once it's out, they might not find another place for it (at least in that arm). I figure, right now that's the best way to hurt myself.

Cutting for me has always been about misdirected anger. I am so frigging pissed off at my oldest sister, with whom I have gotten along for a period of about a week total out of both our lives. My brother already has gotten on my *** this week about getting a job, and then she sent me an email titled "health", the text of which was, basically, "got a job yet? no? how are you going to pay your bills?" They are all after me to move in with my sis in MN, who lives near the Mayo Clinic. Supposedly that would help me lose a few bills. I am 41 years old. I do not want to live with a sibling. I do not want to give up my support system where I live.

So I wrote my oldest sister back and told her that I was doing the best I could, and then wrote the whole family and laid it all out for them as it currently stands. I tried to stress that I am doing everything I am capable of doing right now to help myself. I mentioned that I have been not feeling well lately, lethargic and low appetite, and that it could either be the hyperanemia rearing its head, or the fact that I am thoroughly depressed. I have had psych hospitalizations, etc, so they know and have known for years about my mental health.

Pam wrote me back and said that I brought all my illness on myself by refusing to move in with my sister in MN.

Yep -- being depressed because 1) I almost DIED, 2) I lost my JOB, 3) I have no health insurance and no income -- no, I have no reason to be depressed. I'm depressed because I won't do what Pam thinks I should do. Makes perfect sense, don't you think?

So, I'm really pissed at her, and for some reason that makes me want to self-destruct.

Does ANYBODY understand?

Candy

Candy, you are reacting exactly how I would in your situation! All that pressure from everyone is sure to really affect your mental health (IMO).

Please try to keep yourself busy. I know that's hard, especially when you have a medical condition and all. I always clean or keep my hands and mind busy doing something other than self-harming. I don't want anything to happen to you.

We all love and care for you!

Hang in there and stay safe!

((((((candy))))))Family!!!! I heard recently that friends are God's way of apologizing for family...

of course they want you to go along with their decisions, that way they are done with your issues, solved all your problems (or placed them upon a scapegoat, so to speak.) I fully understand wanting to maintain your autonomy...and I agree, keep your status quo as long as is feasible. Things may not be so desperate feeling before anyone plans.

Please don't take out other ppl's ignorance upon yourself. That you can share this anger (and you have every right to the anger) is positive. I wish for you to be able to not be so angry. Pulling out of the usual family dynamics is not easy, and family's resistance is often one of dismay.

It's sad that we try to rely upon those who we think should be understanding and helpful, and find that they fall so short of our needs. TC