*Trigger* On the fence

Of course, logically, I do not wish to do this (cut). I don't wish to have scars, to feel as though I have no other way to cope, to feel the shame of the act.

At the same time, I don't wish to cease. It is the only thing I am in control of in my life currently. Well, in some control anyhow. It does give me a high, I suppose you could call it. The anticipation, the longing for release and then the calm.

Its all I have. Its not a daily occurrence nor is it remarkably destructive. I'd rather not, but for now it's all I can cling on to.

Does this make any sense to anyone at all?

Hi there,yes it does make sense,and it probably will to many members on here.
As you mentioned it's all about control,I've been through the same for many years.
I had to reply as soon as I read your post.
I know what I'm about to say is easier said than done but it's the best advice I was ever given and to be honest the most logical.
Whatever you feel that you don't have control over try and work it out then get some help and support,either through friends and family or a professional if you feel those closest to you don't understand.
I do understand when you say you don't want it to cease as its something you alone can control,and it can be a release but you will end up full of scars that you have to explain (there's only so many times you can make up excuses for them,I've been there) but now to me personally they are just reminders of bad times.
Like I say it is easier said than done to stop these thoughts or actions and the more you do it the more chance of it becoming a regular thing.
I hope I've helped a little in knowing that your not alone and that getting help now rather than later is the best way of helping yourself,it's nothing to be ashamed of.
Please take care and let me know how you get on,stay safe
Jk2833

Yup, it makes perfect sense.

Thank you both for responding.

JK this is something I have no control over, the health of my other half. But its all twisted up with other (older) things.

Feels like when I try so hard for days that all the effort is wasted with one tiny line. Why go through it?

I'd like to move to my face. Its an odd thought because I hide the si. Thinking it'd give me something to hide behind. This is ridiculous. But also tempting.

Makes sense...exactly how I feel, but couldn't really put into words. Currently dealing with it & it's hard to explain.

Not cutting for days is very good. Cutting one day after this does not take away that you didn't cut for a few days. Cutting less is good. Keep trying not to cut and feel good about when you don't cut.

Please do not move to your face. You don't want scars on your face.

Do you want people to see the SI now?

Do you have a therapist?

not that I want them to see si, just that maybe I could hide behind it. I also realize how ludicrous it sounds. Yes, I have a T.

I don't know where the urges come from, its coping I know. It's control. It gives me a high so to speak. It helps me forget for a little while. I want to now, this moment. Distraction only works sometimes.

Sorry, I give up, have no strength at this time.

Have you been talking to your T about all of this?

No. there are other more important things currently. Thank you for responding.

Hi again I'm sorry just read up on your thread and the reply you gave to my post(net been broken).
I can totally relate to you when you talk about the things you don't have control over,as I myself have physical disabilities and I know this mixed with my past are the main factors of my mental health issues also.
Hope your doing ok
JK