[Ally_Angel]

The voices... well... they are not just voices anymore.
Its a him, a guy... he is nearly invisible but he is there. He wants me to do things to hurt myself. I try so hard to get rid of him but I can't. Now that he is taking on a form, I am really afraid. He is so so evil. I am so afraid to talk to my T about him taking form. Is it my tault? Did I make him up? Is he an evil spirit or something? I don't know. I don't want to be told off for having him taking form. I think my T would be not happy about this, and somehow make me feel bad that I can't get rid of this crazed evil thing thats attatched to me. He says that she won't be able to help me anymore. He says I am too far under. maybe he is right... but maybe he isn't. I want him to be gone. He is trying to take me over. AAAAAHHH! This really sucks!

This isn't a DID type of thing so Im taking a stab at this I may be wrong but it sounds like its probably called having hallucinations. Your therapist definately needs to know about this sudden development. If you are on meds that may be causing this to happen or you body has developed a tollorance and dosage needs upping. If you aren't on meds you may need them for a bit for stabilizing purposes. Either way please talk to your therapy professional so that this can be taken care of right away saving you from having even more distress and possibly more extreme hallucinations if this is what it is.

[Ally_Angel]

Yeah. Maybe I should tell my T, but I don't think she will really listen to me about this, maybe even be angry that my skills I am learning havent helped get rid of him. I can't help this. I am trying as much skills as possible... its just not helping. I think maybe your right about the medication though Myself. I guess I feel intimidated by my T that I find it hard to talk to her. She treats me like I am a naughty school child about to be put on suspension most of the time. That man behind me also tells me that she doesn't really care and laughs about me when I am not there. Maybe I should just tell her anyway... and just see what happens... I am so nervous though. I see her on Thursday.

Warning I was in journaling mode so here is a novel instead of a short post. there is nothing triggering in it just very long.....

print off this thread and give it to her. Not only will she see what is going on but also how you feel during therapy with her.

See sometimes a therapist pushes because they aren't getting any feedback from the clients so they have to make guesses about things like how hard to push and when they should push and when they need to back off. My present therapist and I made that same mistake two years ago when I first started seeing her.

At that time she didn't know me very well and I didn't know her very well, on top of that there was the some unique situations going on - The DHS caseworker had been fired for breach of federal and state laws and making false allegations against me, and making purgerous statements about me in court and at court hearings. My past therapist and I had started developing a friendship the kind that is not allowed during therapy time. We had put that friendship on hold and continued with therapy until she had been laid off due to government cutbacks and then her mom died so the stress of looking for a job, fighting her relatives in court (she was the executor of her moms will), doing battle in ethics reviews on every bogus claim that the caseworker that got fired was putting her through, plus trying to keep me on track with a 24/7 therapy program. So we took the caseworkers harrassment of her out of the picture by choosing a new therapist. This also lightened her time from therapy with me so she could find a new job. Since she would no longer be my therapist we could once again open up the friendship we had put on hold.

So there I was being transitioned to a new therapist, An investigation starting against the caseworker through the state and the Civil Right Department because CRDover sees the federal laws this caseworker broke, and a DHS case that is a total mess thanks to the caseworker that was in process of being fired. That caseworker got fired and on the case came a new caseworker All within the first few months of seeing my new therapist.

On top of that this new therapist did not know my past therapist and I knew exactly what we were doing. we had researched what needed to be done in order for us to remain friends after the therapy sessions was gone. So we knew we had to go for one year with no face to face contact. my states licensing board told me I could write to her but she could not respond for that whole year. My letters could be informative but not expecting her to help me solve my problems. So basically I had contact with her by writing, but she did not have contact with me because she was not responding to them.

So now we have a new caseworker, a new therapist, ex therapist and ex client going through the process needed to remain friends, but the present therapist didnt know about this process and the friendship possibility and the client was not talking very much about losing the therapist in fact client was sticking firmly to quoting this ethics law of therapy relationships turning into friendships (that the present therapist has never heard of) so she is not losing the ex therapist.

So the present therapist sees that maybe this client is in denial of losing the past therapist and she has one year to break through this denial, on top of that given the recent firing of DHS caseworker therapist wants everything to be perfect between the new caseworker and client. Its hard developing trust between DHS workers and clients in general now take one where the client was the one that initiated the investigations that got the past DHS worker fired. DHS was not going to be very receptive to the client so the best thing the therapist can do is make sure client minds her P' & Q's.

Therapist job - catch up on what past therapist and client were doing because this client is at least 10 years ahead of therapists other DID cases, start finding ways to get this client to accept the loss of past therapist, and help client to build a conflict free relationship with the new DHS caseworker.

Her ideas of having client mind her P's and Q's and the view of a perfect DHS relationship failed just as fast as it began. Within a few months of seeing LL we had to attend a CRB hearing (court hearing held at DHS with a review board panel instead of in court and with a judge. The panel reports to the judge). Right before that hearing I was introduced to the new caseworker. He was introduced by his first and last name and everyone on the case was going by first name basis so when I gave my report to the CRB I used his first name. No one had any problems with that otherwise he would have asked me to refer to him by last name. The hearing ended and LL and I walked out. Once outside LL lit into me about how I should NOT have used the caseworkers first name. I stood there letting her yell while I floated off to la la land and for months after everytime I had a session with her she was talking to me from the memory pieces for I before even getting to her office was off in la la land. Most of the time she was taking to me while I was in the Margo, Mary and Katherine memories. Margo memories contain mostly swearing, threats, violence (throwing things) To get anywhere you got to get past the 10 year old Margo memories. So no matter what LL said to me she got swore at. She would try to appologize and what would come out was A**H****and so on. LL did not like this one bit on top of that Katherine memories contain journaling, writing information along with a pull on sarcastic phylosophy so through Katherine LL couldnt get anything about this situation but being slammed in my journals too. The Mary memories and I are co conscious which means I can be floating but yet know what the memories being replayed are. Its kind of like looking through binoculars the wrong way. I know its me talknig but yet I feel far away at the same time. I know what LL is saying and asking but I dont know the answers right away I first hear the answer in my head using a voice thats me but younger and then that same voice and words come out of my mouth. anyway LL got the point very quickly that Im not perfect and never will be. and yelling at me is only going to get me floating in la la land and her left with me rerunning memories.

She pushed as hard as she could to get me to realize my ex therapist and I would not be friends after the one year I was quoting. She even asked my ex therapist if she had contact with me. Of course my ex therapist said no because she wasn't responding to my letters or seeing me face to face. So my therapist during one particular conversation when she wasn't getting anywhere - "So how are you handling losing S?" "Theres nothing to handle Im not losing her" "how long has it been since you had therapy with S? "about 6 months March 22nd will be one year." "so my now you have accepted the loss and me as your therapist" "S and I are not losing each other, after March 22nd S and I will be friends and in each others lives as we decide so theres nothing to lose" (I had accepted her as my therapist by the third session that SKR and I attended with her otherwise I would have chosen someone else but at the time she was pushing me to lose SKR so I wasnt going to tell her I already accepted her as my ney therapist.). "how did you decide on that date?" "the ethics laws says we can be friends after going through no therapy contact for one year thats March 22nd." "Do you have contact with S?" "I write to her so yes." "S says she doesn't have contact with you." "I didn't say she had contact with me I said I have contact with her"

As you can see my present therapist was getting no where on this issue and each time it came up she pushed even harder. My reaction was to push back just as hard by limiting my answers to quoting the ethics law. Until finally March 22nd came within a week of our sessions. LL went looking for this law (Im guessing she thought with the actual law that forbids therapists and clients from becoming friends in had I would have no choice but to finally accept that I was losing SKR.) The expression on LL's face that session was well worth that one year of pushing from her. She appologized and showed me the print out of the states ethics law that DOES allow the therapist -client relationship to turn over into a friendship relationship after one year of no therapy contact from the date of the last therapy session.

I could very well have printed off that law and handed it to her the next session after she started asking the losing S type questions But I figured sooner or later she would back off. I didn't expect it to take that whole year just like she probably didn't think it would take that whole year to break through what she thought was typical textbook style transitional denial. I have a feeling she has since decided that I am anything but the traditional textbook style client. LOL

LL still pushes and raises her voice a little at times but because we took the time to talk about both situations we're ok together.

Sometimes because of my therapy experience with SKR I sometimes have to remind myself "oh yea LL doesn't know that part of what I need or am saying"

Basically a therapist is only as good as what the client brings into it. LL and I have a great relationship because I don't assume she knows every thing and I do give her feedback when I like something, or don't like something we are doing together. and through this she has learned how and when is the right time to push me, how to point out or ask about possible changes that need to be done and so on. Because I do tell her these things she doesn't comes out both barrels blazeing in the "naughty school girl" attitude. Sometimes she even asks me or tells me things by saying "ok you know me Im blunt so I got to say this and if Im wrong let me know but.......bla bla bla .... ok thats my lecture of the day" I know her warning comes because she's still a bit afraid of sending me into la la land for months at a time so on the one side its comical a therapist afraid of my reactions. but yet on the other angle am glad she does because that shows she does listen when I give her feedback about things I like and don't like and about herself sometimes. because I know ahead of time I might not like what she is going to say I'm able to go into relax and hear her out objectively mode so that I can see if her point she wants to make is right on or not and let her know what I think on it.

Talk with your therapist, or ven print this thread off and give it to her, please take time to talk with her about how you feel around her so you and her can set up things so that things go more smoothly between the two of you. But she definately needs to know about the halucinations right away. if you arent comfortable talking to her write it and give it to her.

I see LL on thursday too. Ill be thinking of you. Good Luck. take care.

[Ally_Angel]

Thank you so much, for this information, and for taking the time to write so much in here. I completely understand thats what I need to do. I will try my best to talk to her and tell her whatever I am feeling etc. And I will tell her about the hallucinations. I am still nervous... but I know I have to do it. Thanks again! You really have helped heaps!
Hugs!
Ally

Ally myself is right (boy, that sounded strange :P)

Remember that you do not have to speak the words, you can share information other ways. You could email your T , or write her, or print off the thread, make her a picture of the form, or any other number of things.

Do what you feel safest with.

you're welcome Alley Angel and hope you feel better soon..

and Rainbowzz LOL yea it does sometimes sound funny.

[Ally_Angel]

Thanks for all your support etc. I have spoken to my T about him taking form, and I made sure that she listened to me properly. She didn't treat me like a naughty school child this time which was really good. She has given me some other meds called risperidone (spelling may be wrong).

Alright. So glad your therapist is a psychiatrist so that the meds could be prescribed right away and she listened to you. Yes I have herd of that meds My son is on that. Its supposed to be a great one as far as meds go. If you have any problems let your psychiatrst (therapist) know so it can be adjusted if needed.

(for those that don't know the difference psychiatrists handle meds and sometimes therapy where as a certified and or lcensed therapists do therapy only)