[KeepGoing8]

I've never cut. I have a cutting/slicing phobia...but I used to burn myself, sitting with my bare back against the radiator, or scalding in the shower, when i was at my Dad's for partial custody.
These days I have sudden, uncontrollable urges and I slap or punch myself in the face, or hit my head against the table or wall. I want to hit my head against the wall hard enough to knock myself out and get some rest from this pain and craziness in my head.
I hit myself as punishment, for being a bad wife, bad daughter, bad friend, bad citizen. Right after the hit, I can feel only the physical pain, tingling, and ringing...and then calmness. So far, it's the only thing that can knock me out of the violent rage that's eating me up inside. I watched a couple old French films recently, and the men are always smacking the women to get them to "snap out of" a hysterical outburst or uncontrollable rage...NOT to advocate violence against women...but the hit really does calm me down...
I don't want to hurt anyone else with my rage, so I just take it out on myself.
Idk why I'm posting this really...just to admit it?

[Sannah]

Hi KGoing, welcome to PC. Please be careful with your head. Football players and boxers are realizing the bad, late term effects of repeated concussions, head hits. You need your brain! Boxers can get Parkinsons and they believe that it increases depression also.

Why do you think that you are a bad wife and mother? Do you understand where your rage is coming from?

Do you have a therapist?

[gardensparrow1]

Hi friend~Sounds like you've had some tough situations in your life and they're definitely taking their toll on you. And, I think it would definitely be helpful to consider some counseling. Is that something you've looked into? I know it's a hard step to take, but it's amazing what a difference it can make. And, I think a professional could help you learn to cope with your pain and deal with the problems in your life in a more constructive manner. So, I'd really encourage you to pursue that. If finances may be keeping you from that, I know from my time at Focus on the Family that you can receive free counseling over the phone (1-855-771-HELP). Just something to keep in mind. Lastly, if you have a moment, you might want to visit Focus' website and search for their information on self-injury. I know they have some articles on the topic and maybe it will help you understand a little more why you do this? Well, you'll be in my prayers. Don't hesitate to reach out for some help-you're not alone!

[KeepGoing8]

I met with a new T last week after recently getting insurance back after losing it for a time (my hubby was in school & we lost his work insurance while he was in school). I had that one appt where the T told me confidently that I was having in a "temporary bipolar state" because of coming off Paxil (transitioned off starting March 20 when I got a kidney stone and have been Paxil- free since April 1) and also coming off the Percocet treatment for my kidney stone pain...Now he is on vacation for 2 weeks...so I'm waiting to talk to him about the rage. It wasn't as much of an issue (no SI) when I saw him...but is escalating quickly now.
The rage I feel, I haven't felt often in my life...but I do recognize the feeling from when I was a child and adolescent, trapped in a loveless, neglected, and verbally abusive home with my depressive single mother (or visits with my Asperger's and/or NPD father). I feel like the rage, then and now, is from feeling trapped. My kidney stone and other health issues have kept me from getting out, getting exercise, and eating right....all the things I NEED todo to stay sane without medication. I feel trapped by my own body and its weaknesses.
I am a bad wife because I can't do the simple things I need to to take care of myself, and the strain of working, cleaning, cooking, and supporting me is really taking a toll on my husband.
Bad daughter because I've distanced myself 3000 miles from my parents because I cant't handle their bs...and ai have phone phobia so I don't call often..but neither do they
Bad citizen for contributing nothing, unable to hold down a job, unable to even make art and be the Artist I tell myself I am.
Not a Bad Mother...yet...I am far too messed up at the moment to even consider having a child...though I still do consider it, and cry over the fact that I'm too broken to have a child and treat him/her right.
I feel like a failure at everything, and I know it's the depression monster telling me that, but the monster is so strong in me...it's created a self-fulfilling prophecy of actual, tangible Failure.
And I'm disgusted with all this self-pity and wallowing in despair...I'm over it
Thank you for asking tho

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by KeepGoing8

The rage I feel, I haven't felt often in my life...but I do recognize the feeling from when I was a child and adolescent, trapped in a loveless, neglected, and verbally abusive home with my depressive single mother (or visits with my Asperger's and/or NPD father).

I feel like the rage, then and now, is from feeling trapped. My kidney stone and other health issues have kept me from getting out, getting exercise, and eating right....all the things I NEED todo to stay sane without medication. I feel trapped by my own body and its weaknesses.

Good insight.

Originally Posted by KeepGoing8

I am a bad wife because I can't do the simple things I need to to take care of myself, and the strain of working, cleaning, cooking, and supporting me is really taking a toll on my husband.


Bad citizen for contributing nothing, unable to hold down a job, unable to even make art and be the Artist I tell myself I am.

Can you start small and see if you can accomplish just one small thing today?

Originally Posted by KeepGoing8

Bad daughter because I've distanced myself 3000 miles from my parents because I cant't handle their bs...and ai have phone phobia so I don't call often..but neither do they

I don't see this as bad. This is good. It is called self preservation.

[KeepGoing8]

I'm feeling very ill and have been throwing up today
I'm trying to get food and water in my stomach, and keep it down...that's my one small thing for today...and I'm not having much luck at that!
I am sick of being sick.

[bowhunt72]

What kind of art do you like to do? Can planning your next project be something to use as a temporary distraction while your body is unwell?