[jenluv]

I'm just wondering if I'm alone here. I'm older -- with a family -- and just started cutting (for the usual reasons).

So on top of the deep seated shame that inspires me to cut I also have shame that I should be too old for this bs.

[RainbowRoad]

You're not alone. I am older as well - with a family. It's difficult, because now I have to work much harder to hide it. No way in hell are my kids ever going to see this.

I self-injured from a very young age, but didn't actually start cutting until my early 20's. It was severe for years, until I had kids. Since then, I've gone an average of 3 years in between lapses? So it's much easier to avoid for me - I have more reason to stop - but it hasn't truly gone away.

Anyway... I wanted to let you know that you are not alone. One is never to old to suffer pain, or to look for ways to feel better - even if only temporarily.

[jenluv]

Thank you Rainbow. I realize now I should have put a trigger emoticon on this post -- sorry.

I SI-ed when I was a teenager and then didn't again for a long time as I was getting treatment and maturing. Now I've reached a cycle in life where all this crud is coming up again and surprisingly SI is a part of it right now.

You are right about not wanting the kids to see or know about it. I'm trying to be very careful.

Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone.

[healed84]

Well, I may not be considered "older" but I am 27 and I have two kids. I do SI when I was a teenager and stopped for a very long time until recently. It feels weird to me to be doing it now.. I feel the same as you, I need to grow up and find a different way to cope.

[agma]

I am also 27. I didn't start cutting until I was 23. I don't have any kids yet but my H and I are trying to get pregnant.

[nicoleb2]

I'm not sure what you consider older, but I am 31, have a husband and two kids, and didn't start cutting till I was around 25

[splitimage]

I cut as a kid and as a teenager and then stopped when my life improved. I started cutting again in my early 30's when doing some extremely difficult work in therapy. I've mostly stopped now, with the occassional slip, but i get lots of urges, I gave in and cut about 8 weeks ago now. I'm 43. You're definitely not alone.

splitimage

[jenluv]

Originally Posted by splitimage

I cut as a kid and as a teenager and then stopped when my life improved. I started cutting again in my early 30's when doing some extremely difficult work in therapy. I've mostly stopped now, with the occassional slip, but i get lots of urges, I gave in and cut about 8 weeks ago now. I'm 43. You're definitely not alone.

splitimage

Splitimage, that's me. I'm 40.

Thanks everyone for sharing.

[calebsfire]

Well, this was one of the reasons I got on this site...to see if there were older SI'rs. I am 52 and started cutting last August while in the hospital...coke tabs. I've moved on to better tools since then, it hasn't happened too often until lately. Now it is much worse. My husband knows now, but has never seen them. I had left my journal open to that page n he read it. He confronted me about it and I lied, then found out how he knew and sort of admitted it. I don't think he has any idea of how to handle it...he has never mentioned it since. He and my T are the only ones that know. I just told my T last week and looking back I can see she was disappointed in me. She asked how deep n I said what's deep, bleeding she said and I thought why would you do it if it didn't bleed. Wonder where it will go next week...
I read the "reasons not to SI" threads and copied some down to read whenever I feel I need to cut again. Reading those positive posts really helped at the time. I've never had good coping skills and not they are destructive.
My T suggested asking someone to take all razors, knives etc. to help hold me accountable. I also have a problem with driving fast - say 90 - 95 when my truck goes 100. how can they help me be accountable unless they take my keys? And so far as the cutting - they can't stop me from buying more if I want. T said at least I would be making it harder to get them and give myself time to get it under control again...an hour at a time or whatever it takes. She is right...I guess I'm just not really to the point of wanting to help myself.

[InTheShadows]

you're not alone

[WantingtoHeal]

42 here..i cut in my teens for a while and now here i am doing it.

[SoupDragon]

In my 40's - it came back after 25 years.

[jenluv]

Thanks you guys. It helps a lot to hear I'm not some anomaly.

I cut again today, just a little. I was about to leave the house for my T appointment. After my T appointment I went on a brutal hike and got "it" all out of me. Next time I will wait until I've exercised.

[Towanda]

You're not alone Jenluv. I think I'm the oldest in this thread - I started SI at 55 for the first time - no history before that. So no you're not weird or anything. This disease can hit us at any age.

[Suki22]

I'm 39 and cut in my mid-twenties. I've only recently cut--maybe six months ago? and only a few times (usually when I was drunk & having a depressed episode). I'm since cut down significantly on my drinking--just social drinking once a week and not getting drunk. I was having a very low episode today sans alcohol, crying for hours on end. I definitely had the urge but didn't act on it. it's like the alcohol is a strong "motivator" (for lack of better word) for me to actually go through with it. I guess they don't call it liquid courage for nothing.

I've always wondered--do most cutters si when they are sober?

[nardg]

I am 44 and started cutting in my 20s I have had periods of time I have quit cutting in my life. I just keep going back to it evan thou I know its not what T calls a healthy coping skill.

[neverendingcycle]

I'm in my 30s and didn't start til I was in my late 20s. I don't think a lot of people are aware that SI is not just a teen issue.

[summeryoga]

Wow - amazing thread. I am a 37 y.o. mother who hadn't SI-ed in 15 or so years before last month, and here I am on the brink of 38, with a beautiful family and a terrific job, and the urges are strong as ever today. Yes, today was bad, for sure.

I so want to be past this, to finally stop hating on myself in my moments of weakness or pain or grief - I feel like I owe it to my kids to stop this behavior/urge (ah, the SI followed by enormous guilt).

I don't know if we 'older' people SI because we are ripping the bandage off something that has been under wraps for awhile, if it's because we give and give and give and then when finally alone with our thoughts we are haunted with self admonishment ... I don't know.

But I want these urges to be transformed into something productive and dare I say, loving.

[emerylost]

I feel so much better and no longer alone. My worst cut was on my arm a couple of years ago. The scar was big and. iiwasashamed when asked about it. I now have a tatoo over it. I am trying to deal with my feelings in more healthy way. I just cut last week. The stress and pain beat me.

[neverendingcycle]

I haven't done it for a couple years but the urge is growing. I have noticed that I have replaced physical injury with other self destructive ones. Really wish I could channel these feelings better.

[neverendingcycle]

Originally Posted by Suki22

I'm 39 and cut in my mid-twenties. I've only recently cut--maybe six months ago? and only a few times (usually when I was drunk & having a depressed episode). I'm since cut down significantly on my drinking--just social drinking once a week and not getting drunk. I was having a very low episode today sans alcohol, crying for hours on end. I definitely had the urge but didn't act on it. it's like the alcohol is a strong "motivator" (for lack of better word) for me to actually go through with it. I guess they don't call it liquid courage for nothing.

I've always wondered--do most cutters si when they are sober?

I have only ever done SI when sober. I'm not a big drinker, my bio father was an alcoholic (though I do feel those tendencies at times which is weird) Anyone else?

[summeryoga]

Originally Posted by neverendingcycle

I have only ever done SI when sober. I'm not a big drinker, my bio father was an alcoholic (though I do feel those tendencies at times which is weird) Anyone else?

I don't think I've ever SI-ed while under the influence (I don't drink much, but when I do, I don't have urges).

[bowhunt72]

I'm 40, didn't starting cutting until my mid to late 30s. Just gave in and cut a couple weeks ago after being clean for over two years. I drink a little, no more than one a day and usually only one or two a week. I've never drunk to the point of intoxication, so I've never cut while intoxicated. Stone cold sober but did it anyway.

[neverendingcycle]

I've never had the urge to do it after having a drink. I don't know if it quiets that part of the brain or what. Or if I just feel I desire to feel it completely. Whatever it is, I'm tired of it.

[sconnie892]

Thanks everyone for sharing. I felt like I was the only one who had long breaks of time between cutting. T is the only one I've ever discussed my cutting with. I cut when I was in middle school but stopped when I got to high school. Now I am 33 and the urges came back as I've started to get into some deeper issues at therapy. I caved in one time and I am really fighting to make that the only time. T and I talked about the urges and what might be behind them but I never told her I actually cut.