[dreamer62604]

ok, so i didn't make it through the night without cutting. big surprise. i am so sick of all this crap right now, i can hardly stand it. i've gotten 'help', but it didn't help at all. well, i take that back, it did help, somewhat, it helped me to get better for a little while, but now i am not better, and therefore the help didn't really help now did it? ok, i don't know if that made any sense, but there it is anyway. i feel so lost, and these boards are all that i have, and i do mean all i have, because no one else understands, they just don't get it. they think that i'm trying to kill myself, no if i wanted to die, i would, i wouldn't just cut the crap out of myself. i would take or do something to make it all end. but i don't want it to end, believe it or not, i do have goals, dreams. i mean i want to be a teacher, but right now i wonder what kind of teacher am i gonna be? I mean if i have to go home and cut each night to relieve stress. that most certainly isn't a good role model. (sigh) i just really don't know anymore, and i'm to the point that i don't care either. Maybe coming to these boards in the first place wasn't the right thing to do, maybe i should have just kept it in, maybe that would have been better, or maybe i'm just going out of mind. Anyway, i think i'm going to go to bed...and stew, probably won't be able to sleep anyway. God, i am so sick of feeling this way, i'm so tired....just so damn tired, and nothing, not even cutting is helping...well maybe another cut would help....

[Rapunzel]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Kati}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

When depression takes hold of you it's hard to believe that anyone cares, but we really do. You are not pathetic. We understand coming to these boards for help - that's why we're here too. In my case, I wanted to talk to other people who SI, because I needed to understand it better, and there just aren't that many people who can understand that. My T has been okay with it, but he asked me to explain it, and I needed help to do that, which I found on the internet. Now he says I have to stop because I have to be a role model for other people, like you do too if you are going to be a teacher. I stopped for almost 2 weeks (and told him that I had stopped - I thought I had stopped) but then stress got to me and I did it again. I'm not keeping track of time too well lately, but I think that was a couple of days ago. Maybe this time I can make it just a little longer.

I don't know about you, but keeping it in for me just makes it build up and eventually it has to come out and it will be worse. I don't know if talking about the cutting helps or not, but talking about how you feel does help. I don't think that coming here is a mistake.

I hope that you feel better soon. And I would encourage you to see a professional if you aren't. You said it worked before. Maybe now you are having a relapse, but if you get some help you can beat it. I've had lots of relapses, but I'm getting better at picking up and going on afterwards, and that counts for something. You can learn how to deal with it better, as well as having someone help you get out of it this time so you can get back on track again.

Please take care of yourself! It's hard to care about yourself, so let us care about you and maybe knowing that will help you to get to where you can care about yourself too.

-Wendy

<font color=green>"Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible" Carl Jung</font color=green>

[dreamer62604]

thanks. i can't say much else, i'm too...just...gone right now...i need sleep

[Peanut61]

Hugs for ((((Dreamer))))...

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>

[conklinca]

I went to college to be a teacher, and I, too, wondered whether my self destructive behaviors would keep me from doing my job well. What I found is that yes, it takes me extra effort to relate to "normal" children at times, but the kids that really need help--the ones everyone else tries to kick out--I got along with just fine. And I am very proud of that. I now have gotten into a line of work where I work almost entirely with the kids who really need help, and it is great. Keep your goals--they're what helped me make it through.