<-- trigger symbol, means this post is a possible *trigger*

<font color="red"> What do children who have sexual relations with a parent do to survive?

According to a study by Sue Grand & Judith Alpert who discuss the objects relation theory on incest. They state abuse victims maintain loyalty, keep the parent's secret, are attached to the parent, and do not appear fearful of the abusing parent. To do so, children create a "false self" that masks through compliance and "shields the vulnerable true self and remains connected to the parents by providing the parents with whatever they require from the child."

I managed through the abuse with a "false self." I wonder if I am currently operating in my true self or do I still have a mask? How does one know for sure? Many incest survivors have difficulty with "reality,' which results from such a confusing childhood. How will I ever know if I'm truly happy?

Does anyone ever know this stuff?</font>

<font color="green">This is a hard thing to discuss but I didn't feel right not replying at all. I don't think I am far enough along to know the answer but it makes a lot of sense to me. I battle regularly with feelings of love and fear towards my abusers. I si to survive.</font>

jennie, it could be that you're still operating with the side of you that doesn't acknowledge/deal with/feel the abuse.

it seems that it's acknowledged, but the feelings and more, could still be compartmentalized. that's done for protection.

when and if you're ready, they'll probably start leaking over. are you in therapy?

be safe,

kd

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
jennie, it could be that you're still operating with the side of you that doesn't acknowledge/deal with/feel the abuse.

it seems that it's acknowledged, but the feelings and more, could still be compartmentalized. that's done for protection.

when and if you're ready, they'll probably start leaking over. are you in therapy?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

At times I feel the scared, confused, and angry feelings from when I was little. I don't know what to "do" with the feelings but avoid feeling them too much or pretend I don't have those feelings.

jennie,

I do not face the same deal in my healing work but have been in enough therapy groups with women facing the same issue you do. In witnessing their healing firsthand I was able to see that yes, some women do eventually become their authentic self.

When you write that you avoid feeling the feelings or pretend that you don't have them that is a way of coping. It sounds to me like that material is still very raw.

I don't know if you have ever considered doing group work for this specifically but in my observation while doing group work the women who were able to talk in that setting about their experiences better 'normalized' their experiences than those that never spoke.

I'm not saying that talking is the key. It is more of a combination of talking in the right setting, with the right amount of safe support and with a well trained therapist whose background includes lots of trauma training.

Your first post asks if anyone really knows this stuff. I'd say yes. From what I have observed in people over the years I've been doing my healing work that yes people DO really know this stuff. People do understand the confusion and mix ups that are so particular to this type of abuse.

Pace yourself on this work. You're doing some really hard stuff.

Take care j.

I did a few months of weekly group therapy for child sexual abuse survivors. It was so hard. I barely talked. I've attended 12-step groups, too.

I would get irritated by that one member, seems like every group has at least one member, who would dominate the majority of group discussions.

___zh, thanks for your comments. What do you mean about the "material is still very raw." How will I know when it's not raw? Is it when I stop avoiding the feelings? I am very confused with what "dealing" with feelings means. Does it mean cry? How will one know when they've cried enough? Eventually you have to stop crying, is that avoiding? Too many questions, I know.

Jennie,

Talking about what happened to you as a child is really hard. It is all so confusing, as child and as an adult. The way you were raised is so much a part of you.

I too was sexually abused as a child twice at age 6 and then from the age 9 until 17. Most of the time growing up I avoided the feelings of hate, guilt and frustration. I too protected my stepdad. As long as no one knew he would still love me, right? I am now 28 and it is still hard for me to talk about. There is a part of me that wants to care for him because he was the closest thing I had to a dad, but there is part of me that hates him.

You asked how do you know when you've cried enough? I wish I could answer that question for you, but I feel that has to come from your inner self. You have to let that little child inside feel safe. I have those days when I am safe but then there are days when I am not.

I wish you all the luck. This is something that no one should ever have to go through, Something that should not happen. Because it happened to you too, I am sorry.

Well Jennie, I've never been abused by a parent but I was abused by another at age 5 a few times. I can say that I too hid/hide from the feelings. I think therapy, one on one therapy, could work wonders. I hope you'll consider it. You don't have to start by diving right into the bad stuffs. You can start with things like how to cope and live well in the here and now. These are just food for thought. Take 'em for what they're worth and good luck. Good thoughts your way.

Ry