TRIGGER: NOT SURE WHERE TO POST

okay so this is prolly very triggering to alot of people, but i HAD to get this out. im going crazy i mean it. this has been the worse 48 hours of my life. i know there are names that you don't know. i just copied this from my live journal i couldn't type it again, i can barely read it. All i can think about is this. I don't know what to do..... Im sorry if it was wrong of me to post this here and if anyone feels like it needs to be moved somewhere else i have no problem of yall moving it. like i said this was copied from my live journal so it is my thoughts on this thing *i don't know what to call it* from the time i got his text message to 24 hours later. i really am sorry, but i love him and i can't stop thinking about him. thanks you all for reading this i really do appreciate it. its a long post

scariest 24 hours i have been through. seeing him go through the pain, seeing krys,and tom, and janet, looking back and seeing myself. getting that text message from him was my worst nightmare coming true, i knew as soon as i read it that something was wrong and that he might 'be' here. i was too afraid too angry to open the door myself, krys did, we both looked in both facing what we saw at the same time. krys was brave she stayed with him, more than i did. i didn't want him to me that way i couldn't be strong I WAS SO MAD AT HIM! why did he do it? why didn't he answer the door? did he not realize that we were there? that we cared about him?
i called his mom, i was so hysterical couldn't do anything. i got towels went in and just looked at his face he looked up at me with his big loving eyes just pleading at me. the police and ambulance came, taking him away, krystal wouldn't let me look at him. i was still crying i don't know if he realized that i was like that and i don't know if i will ever know. after the ambulance took him away we had to stay and talk with the police officer writeing down what we remember was the hardest thing. we left for the hospital er, to sit and wait in the hard chairs. i was shaking so hard i was so cold all i could think about was him, what i should have done, thinking of how i could have been a better friend, i should have open the door earlier, i should have forced him to talk to me, i shouldn't have left to go get something to eat, i should have been a better friend; i feel like i let him down, i disapointed myself. we finally got to go into the room and see him, when we went in they were still putting the liquid stiches on. i didn't walk in very far. i was so afraid i was going to break down. we looked each other in the eye, he mouthed that he was sorry and he loved me i mouthed back that i love him. his mom came, krys and i left back to the waiting room; i gave him a hug goodbye,he said that he loved me and that i still had to go.
we went and got him some clothes cause hes going to rolling hills we didn't know how long he was going to be their so we packed all the clean clothes we saw. i put in a senior pic of me and wrote him a letter. went back to the hospital to see him off said goodbye again.
went back to the house gave some stuff to his mom she said she would be back later on during friday morning. i didn't want to sleep krys stayed up and packed his stuff. i got very little sleep. all i could think about were the flashes of mine and sheas life together the past 10 months. it amazes me how important he is in my life. i love him so. woke up around 6 just hung around the house. all i could think about was him, what went on what he was doing now.

thats all i can think about is him, no matter what is going on. the thoughts just come all of a sudden. like out of nowhere. sitting still is the worst. being with people i just space out. little things trigger i think about what we were going to do next week will we be able to do it? i hate this feeling but it won't go away i really don't know i cant believe i came so close to losing the man i love for good. it was so close i never wish this upon anyone. its scary for the person, their family, their friends.
i never thought i would be the one to find him, but i did. its something i have to live with and work through. i guess i did alot of growing up these past 24 hours.

its coming upon the time that we found him don't think i will be able to sleep tonight even with the help of the tylenol PM.
im off to take a shower and let krystal post. ill write more tomorrow. take care and please keep us all in your prayers. he needs us now more than ever.


<font color=red> It's hard being a snowflake in a world of Cheerios!</font color=red>

ok, did he cut up his face or something..
I am only trying to peice togehter what i can read..

you were kinda vauge, but I am trying to read between your lines..

It does sound very horrible..

I am so sorry..... that you have had to go through this.. .
<marquee> <font color=purple> (((((((((((((((((( hugs and hugs )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) </marquee>



<font color=purple>
take time to heal thyself before trying to help others, or you will never get better

collegefriend

{{{{{{{{{{collegefriend}}}}}}}}}}

Things you already know... but may need to hear them again.

You are a wonderful friend. There is no way you could be a better friend. What he did was his action and nothing you did "better" would have stopped that. The guilt and the "second guessing" is normal but don't let it eat you up. There is nothing to be gulty for, this was his decision not yours. Things you might have done differently might have changed the situation but not stopped it. Maybe postponed it, maybe would have made it worse instead of better... you can't predict backwards in time.

Stay in contact with your friends and together you can help each other get through this. Keep posting here because we are your friends too and will help however we can.

------------------------------------
--http://www.idexter.com

Does anyone know anything about the Vagus Nerve Stimulator being approved for depression

lady d- sorry so vague i wrote that when it was coming up on the 24 hours mark and i was still really shaken up. he cut his wrist. ugh. i cant get the picture out of my head, all i see is him, hes all i think about. thanks for replying it means so much to me. thanks for caring. love andrea, collegefriend

<font color=red> It's hard being a snowflake in a world of Cheerios!</font color=red>

thank you, i know i can't change what happened, even though i still am angry at myself for not checking on him earlier, i should have known. one of my close friends told me that he prolly had a reason for doing it while we were there. that it was a cry for help. cause there were plenty of times that he could have done it when no one was at home. does this sound resonible? anyway thanks for posting and caring. its still hard. does anyone know anything about what happens for the suicide stuff at the mental hospital. I know he has to be there for 72 hours. its been 48 hours this morning around5am. but after the 72 i know there is a chance that he might have to stay in longer? Will i be able to see him or talk to him, cause i leave for florida on the 25th i don't know what i would do if i couldn't talk to him. Mom is all worried, she doesn't want me to go back to his house, but apart of me wants to go back to sleep in his bad to smell the smell of boy on his sheets. is that weird should i be feeling that i don't want to go back. i mean i don't want to go to that bathroom but i want to be in his bedroom where we had all the late night talks, and parties, and everything? I don't know im so confused.

<font color=red> It's hard being a snowflake in a world of Cheerios!</font color=red>

For the hospital, it will depend. One part will depend on his insurance(if he has any?), and how much they're pushing for him to be seen and get out. What SHOULD be the deciding factor is how he's doing. I believe a psychiatrist would have to discharge him, and he'd probably have a casemanager, too, they'd try to assess if he's safe and stable, and he'd be released about when they decide he is. If he's cooperative, doing all they recommend, it helps.
Have you checked on whether he can have visitors? I'd be surprised if he couldn't, they should have visiting hours. You may have to check ahead of time, I don't know. Where I was, anyone(except small children) could visit during those hours, unless the patient didn't want to see them for some reason. You may want to consider that, too, in case he feels ashamed or something. Also, look into whether he can recieve phone calls.

^ That's based on what I saw where I was and what I've heard from others, and seems it would make sense to be a common policy among hospitals.

Hope you can hear from him soon, and that you'll both work through this and feel better.

<font color=green>____________________________
Matthew 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.</font color=green> Sounds good...

thanks for responding, his mom told me that when she talked to the hospital she will find out if he can have phone calls and see if its okay if i can call him, so im guess i will be waiting for that phone call. i just want to thank everyone for being here when i needed them.

<font color=red> It's hard being a snowflake in a world of Cheerios!</font color=red>

((((HUGS))) You did GREAT!!!! WOW you got there in time that is sooooo wonderful!!!! AND isn't that what's important? AND he's getting the help he was screaming for???

As for the hospital, that's what they are there for. The 72 hours is the minimum for holding without consent. (ACLU would have a fit if they could hold us against our will for any longer.) BTW He has to add your name to a list before they can even tell you he is there! Privacy act.

However, he can stay longer if he chooses, and has some agreement for payment with the hospital ... parents, insurance whatever.

Hospitals do not cure. Psychiatric wards are there to stablize patients while the long term care plans are made. So they should not let him go, and you and family should make sure that he has an appointment with a psychiatrist for ongoing medication watch, and a psychologist or therapist for counseling with already booked appointments (well at least one with someone who can see him a few times a week for a while right now... while he is in crisis.)

He should also have numbers to call hotline, FRIENDS, family etc and you all should know when to call the police, doctors etc if he should fall right back into this ...

But he has made the first step and so has the system... so he is on his way to recovery...

this IS a good thing!

<font color=blue> meditation is a true way to connect to the Source </font color=blue>

hey hun, he got help, it'll be ok. really, it will, i know it's scary as hell, but it's ok he got help, you knwo how many people dont' even get to that point? I'm not sure what happened according to the post exactly, but it WILL be ok, you've just got ot support him, and if yo udont' have a therapist get one, get someone to talk to yo ucan always call 911 if you get really bad, never be afraid or ashamed to call, or here's a hotline yo ucna call to talk abotu anything and everyhting 800 448 3000

take care

can always private msg me

"don't kick the puppy" ~ j.e.p.

oh sweetie..

I am so sorry you had to go thourgh that..
but one thing you have to remember you could not have stoped him.. HE DID THAT not you..
Understand someone that does that does it for a reason..
He needs help.. you did the right thing by calling 911...
Trust in what you have did for him, now and forever..
you love him, do what is best, get him the help that he needs. be there for him, but you can not baby, him, now..

Most of all, be strong.. Do not be what he wants .. He has a mom, she has to be that.. you need to be a friend.. that is all you can be right now.. do that and nothing more.. or be a spritual healer if you think you are up for that..

<font color=purple>
take time to heal thyself before trying to help others, or you will never get better

thanks you know that what my mom said to me last night, that i cant be his mom and him and his mom need to rebuild their relationship together. its been 72 hours and i haven't heard from him so i guess hes staying longer. which i know he needs to in order to get better, but i still would like to hear from him or something. my mom is supposed to be calling and seeing if the counselor that used to work at her school can see me. i sure hope so. i can't deal with this on my own anymore i am keeping it all in i feel like crying all the time but i don't show it cause i don't want to upset anyone

<font color=red> It's hard being a snowflake in a world of Cheerios!</font color=red>

yeah.... I think it is time you spent some time on taking care of yourself now... don't you have a T or someone to talk with?

<font color=blue> meditation is a true way to connect to the Source </font color=blue>

Don't worry about upsetting anyone... take care of yourself. He will talk to you when he can and when he is ready (it is possible his treatment is taking up most of his day with little or no time to contact people).

I am so glad you are getting some counselling and that you have your mom's support in this.

------------------------------------
--http://www.idexter.com

yeah at first i didn't want to tell my mom cause i thought she wasn't gonna let me talk to him ever again. but she is very worried. i haven't really talked to her much cause i really don't want anyone to feel or see or comprehend everything that i have been through. i don't know i think she was sorta upset that i didn't call her that night, but i couldn't i thought it was Gods way of making me grow up and become strong, but at the same time i am feeling weak.

<font color=red> It's hard being a snowflake in a world of Cheerios!</font color=red>

you know if yo uthink he might be a danger to himself, don't hesitate to call the police........ they could jump start treatment for him

"don't kick the puppy" ~ j.e.p.

I understand the feeling. Remember that being strong and "growing up" don't mean doing everything on your own... I believe the real strength and maturity is knowing when to ask for help and being able to do so.

That said I also understand wanting to be cautious with your mom but I am glad you are not keeping her outside the loop on this. She has your well-being in mind, and she is right in wanting to make sure that you don't end up hurt by all of this. Although she may wish that you would break contact with him... I understand that you don't want to do that (and that probably wouldn't be in your best interest either... he is a friend and you have to do what you can to help) but the other extreme would not be healthy either. You do have to find a balance where you can care for him and be there for him, but not take responsibility for his health, nor let it consume your time and energy. Hopefully you can let your mother's warnings be a reminder of that and not become angry when she makes suggestions.

When I was in similar situations I had friends who knew of the situation but were not involved in it. When a problem was eating into my time and daily routine I would regularly go visit these friends after a long day helping someone with stress and grief... and it gave me a way to "decompress" at the end of the day. I would go there every night, sometimes just talk about it a little, sometimes let my feelings out that I had to hold in during the day, but most of the time just unwind, eat, converse, watch TV with them just to regain my balance.

I was lucky to have a "network" of trusted friends back then to help me in that way.

Even just taking some time as a break, to see a movie or something, so that you are not thinking about this 24/7. It may be too early to do this now since it so recent but as time passes and things ease up try to treat yourself a little bit. You do deserve a "reward" for being such a good friend... a reward in the sense of giving yourself a break and some time to catch up. In the meantime seeing a counselor is a perfect idea.

------------------------------------
--http://www.idexter.com

Just always remember to take care of yourself too. It is great to be a good friend and care for others, specially if he need you and you feel comfortable being there for him, but you have to be a goo frienf for you too.

gab

I hope you can get in to see a counsler..

It should hlep you to deal with what you are going through..
Keep talking to us, we will try to helpyou as much as we can..
I have never been through what you are going through, but I can try to leand a shoulder at least

<font color=purple>
Roam if you want to
Roam around the world
Roam if you want to
Without wings, without wheels
Roam if you want to
Roam around the world
Roam if you want to
Without anything but the love we feel
Written by B-52's
</font color=purple>

lady D thank you so much, that is what i need now, a friend to lean on and to talk to. I have just gotten off the phone with my friends roomate. he is a dear friend of mine we will call him R. R kept telling me that i can't blame myself. Its better to hear it from someone who was close to S and not my parents

<font color=red> It's hard being a snowflake in a world of Cheerios!</font color=red>

Well at least you have heard from R.. in reagards to S..
I am glad you can keep in contact..

But like I said before Take care of you also ok
<marquee> <font color=purple> (((((((((((((((((( hugs and hugs )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) </marquee>

<font color=purple>
Roam if you want to
Roam around the world
Roam if you want to
Without wings, without wheels
Roam if you want to
Roam around the world
Roam if you want to
Without anything but the love we feel
Written by B-52's
</font color=purple>