[dreamer62604]

(sigh)...that's really all that i can do to express what i'm feeling right now, actually it's more like a lack of feeling. because i am basically numb to the world....i bleed..and i can't even feel the sting anymore. it doesn't even hurt...not that it did to begin with, but now i can't feel it at all. there is nothing there anymore. nothing at all. i am just plain...living...which i don't want to do anymore.

[Zenobia]

Dearest Dreamer,
There is nothing we can do to help you if you will not help yourself. Your situation is degenerating at a rapid rate and you must do something. To continue coming here and just relating how you have hurt yourself again but never actually doing anything about it is an act in futility. To go day by day, hour by hour, relating to yourself and to us about how you bleed is just allowing yourself to wallow in your pain. I understand that pain, and I understand how hard it is to go beyond that pain. I am the first one to agree with you on just how badly it hurts and how easily it is fixed through SI. But the situation has gone way past the point where I can continue to empathize. I just can't any longer because I am afraid that the empathy I have given has done more harm then good. I had hoped that knowing that others feel exactly as you do but manage to continue to improve their lives and continue to try would give you hope. But you must choose to move forward. You can't just sit there in a puddle of blood and say "poor me" for ever. It will get you no where. If you don't clean yourself up and do something about it in a month you will be in that same puddle with nothing to show for it, whether people empathize or not.

People often say how strong I seem, how with it I am, how wise I can be. Sometimes it makes me mad because they see these things while I am hurting and feel as if I am dying inside. I want to cut, and head bang, and do the various types of SI that are not appropriate to talk about on this forum. I WANT to cry out, wail my pain to the world so they will know how crazy I feel inside. I WANT someone to take that pain away to make me better. But the fact of the matter is NO ONE can. No one but me. Only I can decide to get up and do something about it...Anything at all, just do it. Throw the boxcutter away. Wrap up the wounds. Sit in a corner and stare at the wall. Scream at the top of my lungs. Go to a parking garage and run the steps over and over again. Go onto the beach and dig the biggest hole I can. Throw glasses against the garage wall. Take a hammer to loose tiles and beat them into dust. Do anything at all to move myself out of the place I have gotten stuck in. Yes, I still hurt. Yes the pain doesn't go away. Yes it seems as if all I do is worthless and a waste of time. BUT I will have done something. Once I have done something, I have walked away from playing the role of the victim and walked into the role of being a survivor. But no one can make me do it, nothing anyone says will have any impact at all until I decide that I don't want to live the way I am living. Life gets better, it is up to me to do something for myself to make it better. I call a crisis line, call my therapist or write him a long *** letter, take my meds or megadose on chocolate capsules, get to my bi-polar support group. Sitting at home listening to the call of the blade isn't going to make anything get better.

You need to make the choice. Just plain living, is living none-the-less. Life is a bed of roses. We can choose to notice only the thorns or we can ignore the thorns and climb the stalks to see the flowers and the sun and the wide world all around. It is hard to climb that stalk, slow and painful, but it is worth the effort in the end. I hope you decide to climb. If you don't know how to start, you just can't seem to begin, pick up the phone and get some professional help. Call the hospital and let them show you how to get started. They will get you started on meds that can help eleviate some of the pain. They can help you get hooked up with a therapist or if you don't have money for that they can lead you to organizations that can help. If you try and fall on your bum in a failed attempt I will be here to sympathize and curse life with you. I have fallen a thousand times and will probably fall a thousand more but one must get up again and try again. Please try.
With love,
Carrie

To whom do I owe the biggest apology? No one's been crueler then I've been to me.
I am sorry to myself, my apologies begin here before everybody else.
I am sorry to myself, for treating me worse then I would anybody else. --Alanis Moresette

[heatherm]

{{{{{{{{{Carrie}}}}}}}}}

That was so well said.....this can apply to any and all of us.


Heather

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life - it goes on."
~~Robert Frost

[dreamer62604]

I know what i need to do. i have done it in the past. i have survived this in the past. good news is i haven't cut for 2 days. maybe i can keep it up. but i think that coming here may be hurting me more than helping me. so i am taking a break. i may read posts, but i'm not going to post. i am calling my therapist....to get an appointment. i refuse to let this kill me from the inside out. i can't do it anymore. when i feel i can, i'll come back and post. if anyone wants to they can private message me. i'll check those...thanks for all your help...it has helped. but now, i have to help myself.

[Zenobia]

*Zen gives dreamer a big hug* I am so incredibly relieved to read those words. Your last post sounded like you had plum given up. You will be in my thoughts. Take care dear one,
Carrie

To whom do I owe the biggest apology? No one's been crueler then I've been to me.
I am sorry to myself, my apologies begin here before everybody else.
I am sorry to myself, for treating me worse then I would anybody else. --Alanis Moresette

[conklinca]

If you honestly feel posting is harmful to you, then that is okay.... Just know that chastisement doesn't mean we don't want to hear from you--we just want to help you think differently about yourself, because we want to help you as you work toward becoming the beautiful person you are meant to. If you choose not to post and you need us, you'll deny us the chance of helping you, and helping you forces us to reflect on our struggles and remember how to help ourselves, as well.