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#1
Apr 25, 2006, 07:54 PM
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I really really want to do it. This is all thats been running through my head all day, but thankfully not when I did my exam.
Want to cut. Need it. Need it want it deserve it. Whats setting me off this time? A couple of external factors for once, and some other ones that I couldn't explain if my life depended on it. My aunt has had a heatattack and is on a respirator. She's already fighting lung cancer, and going through chemo and radiation. Please let her be alright... I know I shouldn't, but all I can think about is worst case scenario... cut cut cut cut. Cut it out. Then my uncle has had an abcess removed from his neck, and is having problems dealing with the aftermath (speaking)... no reason for the abscess yet. Roomate is still in hospital, 3rd week running. Cracked vertabrae and infection. She threw another "sickie" in December... what will happen if she doesn't come back? I can't be alone. Don't want it ... alone is when it happens... I need some sort of control over all this crap. I'm in too much pain, breakdown today. Too much pain to deal with, so hard... I want to do it. But I can't, all because of a stupid allergist appointment tomorrow, I can't explain away that sort of thing. Breakdown tomorrow night, must get through tonight. Must must must must... Tooo hard. I know I'm whining, but this is too hard.
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#2
Apr 25, 2006, 10:37 PM
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(((((((( canders))))))))) I am sorry all this is piling up please stay safe......
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#3
Apr 26, 2006, 04:40 AM
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no you don't deserve it, you're too good for that. i'm sorry you're going thru this but please try to hold out ...try pounding a pen into a big pad of paper...it helps lessen up tension for me so it could be worth a try((((Canders7))))))
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"when you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hold on" |
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#4
Apr 26, 2006, 05:23 AM
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 Canders .gif)
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 "It is good to have an end to journey toward, but it is the journey that matters in the end.
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#5
Apr 26, 2006, 12:31 PM
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I'm proud of you for blocking urges as long as you can!!! Each time you block an urge...each time you put off self harm even one more hour...one more day... helps you to block it again when you feel the urge again. Each time you block an urge, you are doing self care, and healing.
No, you don't deserve to harm yourself for things that happen. Try and find something to put that energy into... dig in the dirt furiously and plant some flowers, repaint an old dresser or garage wall, go bat some balls or skip rocks, pound on a piano.... or volunteer and do good for others, help others feel better about themselves (like so many of you do here at PC) TC.
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#6
Apr 26, 2006, 12:44 PM
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Hang in there Canders. You can do it with a little help from your friends! Your friend, dottie
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 dottie |
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#7
Apr 26, 2006, 03:05 PM
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((((((((((((((((((canders))))))))))))
Im sorry I am just getting to read your post. Sounds like you have alot going on right now! I would not call your post a whine at all. The way I see it is you are releasing alot of what is going on by doing this. Please continue to be strong. Your in my thoughts. HUGS Cher
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[b]If you can’t be a good example, then you’ll just have to be a horrible warning.[b] -Catherine Aird  |
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#8
Apr 26, 2006, 07:21 PM
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It's ok to "whine" sometimes, I don't think you are whining either (((((((( Canders )))))))
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#9
Apr 26, 2006, 07:37 PM
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(((((((((((((((((((((((((((Christina)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I hope your feeling better now!! Im having a good day, sending good vibes to you.
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 Your memory is a monster; you forget - it doesn't. It simply files things away. It keeps things for you, or hides things from you - and summons them to your recall with a will of its own. You think you have a memory; but it has you. -John Irving |
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#10
Apr 26, 2006, 08:27 PM
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 Hi everyone, thanks for your support ... but all I've gotten is more bad news...And its going to push me over the edge if I can't do anything about it... ^*#^#@*& I want to do it. All I am is hurt right now. What did I do to deserve it? This isn't whats supposed to happen. I know I'm not going to always get what I want, but I need it $!$%#!! Turns out my aunt may not be coming out of the hospital, or getting off the respirator. This is too much right now... And I was told by my father that my grandmother isn't going to take the news well. My grandmother is already old and sick, and this could (literally) kill her. And my roomate, my wonderful roomate... she won't be back until at least next week, not tomorrow as was promised. I need her here, I need to know someone is here (physically) for me... Alone is bad. Keep trying to push these thoughts out of my head, but how much longer can I do it before I break? On the bright side, or is it even a good thing... I made it to my allergist appointment and didn't cut... but now I don't have anything to stop me. #$@@!(&@)*^ I need a reason not to do it, and I can't even think of one. I'm trying, so hard. Must keep it together, can't cry. Sisters and dad need me... must keep it together. So hard... so hard. I think I just want to stay in bed for the next few days. But I can't. Nobody can know its so hard to deal right now, need to be there for everyone else. Only way I can feel worthwhile. I'm not, I deserve all the crap I get, but my family and friends and roomate don't deserve this... all they are are good people. Even the roomate.
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#11
Apr 26, 2006, 08:48 PM
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Canders, I think in the list of good people you forgot to include yourself hon!!!!
I am so very sorry about your aunt. If you give me her initials I will definitely add her too my Relay for Life. I know there is so much going on right now and I know you have to be hurting terribly but you need to take the time to nurture yourself.
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[b]If you can’t be a good example, then you’ll just have to be a horrible warning.[b] -Catherine Aird |
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