[greyclouds]

I had meeting today with mental health worker.
I've not self harmed since Saturday, really.
And my mood was great, Monday and kind of this morning. I had a little anxiety but that normal I guess before any meeting.
I considered not going today. As I wanted to keep my mood.
I promised my self I would not cry. And that I would keep my good mood.
As soon as I got in there the tears came. Why? I have no idea.

But the weird thing is I cried when talking about small things in my life. I didn't cry when I spoke of the worser stuff.
Since then I have tried finding my happy mood. But I feel nothing. And thoughts of si are racing thro my mind.
Sometimes when I feel empty i may have a drink to help my mood feel something but as si is in my mind. I know that having a drink would be dangerous.
I normally know why I need to self hurt but right now I don't.
I've lost my appetite which was fastly returning and now I can't even manage a spoonful of pasta.

I don't really expect anything from writing in here. But just need to write it down.

it is good to vent... i am glad you were able to express your feelings with us

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by greyclouds

As soon as I got in there the tears came. Why? I have no idea.

But the weird thing is I cried when talking about small things in my life. I didn't cry when I spoke of the worser stuff.
Since then I have tried finding my happy mood. But I feel nothing.

Maybe you are just sad? You are sad but you don't want to feel that so you can't feel nothing at all then? Talking about your sadness more with your counselor would be a good idea. If you allow it to come it will eventually pass. How often do you see your counselor?

[greyclouds]

I only started yesterday it was an assessment.
My mood has been great again today and I been on a mission to make money.
And now I fuming.
I never looked at it that way.
But people friends family always say I have know reason to be sad.
I guess if I look that is some what true.
But even when I feel sad. I hate crying in front of people.
I don't know if its cos I don't want sympathy for feeling ungrateful, or because I want to seem solid.
The nurse from my assessment said that she would call me for an appointment next week.
My issues had to go to a board of other people where they would discuss if I need further help, with another doctor or she could come up with a treatment plan.
She spoke of group therapy, I don't like this. I don't make friends that great. And the fact that I hate crying in front of people this would be extremely hard for me.
And if there issues were worse then mine I would feel even more selfish for feeling like i do.
I do want to see the nurse again, I know that I forgot to tell her about events in my life. Maybe only minor but I don't know?
My mind is racing right now. I feel sick.
Thank you both for reading my post and commenting.
Sometimes I feel lonely even on here.
It means a lot. You dot know how much x