the opposite of progress

my dad's on disability, I have to get a job, I'm pretty sure I failed the SAT (which I took a couple days ago) we might have to move... my cutting is as bad as it's ever been. I just cut like 200 times... I had been doing better in the past few months but that's all gone

Oh my gosh. Oh honey. I just want to give you a hug. That's a lot to deal with all at once. Take a deep breath and know that you CAN handle this.

First, it's totally okay if you find out that you didn't do so hot on the SAT. You can prep for it differently and take it again. Colleges only care about your highest score, so don't feel bad. Sometimes people are really sick, having an off day, or just get overwhelmed taking the test and don't do so great. Your score does NOT define you. At all. In any way. You are more than three values. Even if you can't take it again or decide not too, SAT is only one aspect of admissions. They look at other things too.

I am SO sorry about your dad. That has to hurt, and I feel for you and your family. If you do have to find a job, you will be able to, and moving isn't the end of the world. It's just a lot of life changes at once. Take it one step at a time and focus on the things you DO have control over right now. Don't worry about the other things you may have to deal with later. Just stay in the present and know that no matter what happens, it will be okay. You will be able to make this work.

I am thinking of you, little sister.

thank you
...my legs hurt so bad I can barely walk without screaming... and I still wanna cut more...

What has helped you to resist the urge to cut in the past few months? I love how special your relationship with God is, and that may be able to help keep you grounded and in the present. For right now, it sounds like your emotions and thoughts are running high, and I think it may really help to shower (if you feel like you are physically able), make some tea, and try to fall asleep. Sleeping some of the tension off may help pause the pain you are feeling and give your mind/body some relief.

I couldn't stand up long enough to take a shower, and it would make my legs hurt even worse. and I can't sleep with my legs hurting... i'm so stupiddd

and idk what's helped me really... mostly that cutting didn't seem good enough anymore. and I couldn't think of a new way to hurt myself...

youre not stupid, its an addiction. remember, we all have relapses. life is hard, and its okay to mess up once in a while. but try to find better ways to cope, and remember im always here for you. talk to your counselor, or someone on here. we all care for you. hugs.

And remember that it isn't helping so don't think of it as something to make you feel better? Please try not to take on the adult worries of the household. Teenagers aren't equipped to do this. Can you talk to your dad so that you can give some of this burden back to him? He is an adult and can handle it much better than you. Please continue to keep us posted?

I hope that maybe a little of the pain has subsided? I don't have any advice (as usual ) but I want you to know i am here and thinking of you, and hoping for calming strength for you...

my dad's on disability for a reason, he can't work. I have to get a job.

wolfin3: thank you I love the signature btw lol

This is fine. I was talking about you doing the worrying. You are probably worrying more than he is?

I don't know. I haven't talked to him about it. I don't want to.

Why not?

I don't like talking to my parents... but I can't talk to him for a while anyways he's in the hospital

Why not?

it's awkward... i'd almost rather go to the dentist than have to sit down and have a serious conversation with them. I hate every lecture that starts with "we'll love you no matter what" and all the embarrassing questions they ask. every time they talk to me I feel like I'm on trial or something.

So you didn't do so hot on your SAT? Try applying for a college that dosen't require them. In my state you can get admitted to any in-state school w/out the SAT, but you will need the ACT. Also Junior Colleges often don't even require the ACT. You could prove your worth for a semester or two at a little school (which is usually cheaper) then transfer to the school you really wanted to finish up.

If you find a job you like it would be a good way to get some experiance AND it will take your mind off cutting.

I hope this helps.

This ^ is something that they need to know. Open communication in a family is SO important. If you could talk to your parents about your worries about his disability and you working it would relieve a lot of your stress. I grew up in a dysfunctional family that NEVER communicated. Not good at all. Learning to communicate in your family is invaluable.

"Mom and dad, I want to talk to you both about something really important to me, but first I just want to talk about some things that happen when we talk which cause me to not want to talk to you two"

I'm not good at talking about my feelings... I just can never find the words. I can pretty much only talk to my bestie

No one can do anything unless they try. You don't have to be perfect and it is okay if it is hard. Can you write them a letter?

I could... I still don't want my parents knowing anything they don't have to...

Then don't tell them everything. Telling them how they cause you to not want to talk to them and you discussing your distress over your dad's disability is not a lot.

I don't like them to know anything about my life if I can help it. I prefer to keep them out of anything important to me... idk why... I just do...

I agree with Sannah. It may not be comfortable, but I think you have to get out of your comfort zone and open up if you want to make progress and start to feel some relief. It's not up to you to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders, and I think you really need to open up, at least a little, to your parents. You are blessed with knowing that they love you and care about you, but the only way that they can help is if you take the first step to reach out. It's scary, but you are braver than you realize.

Are they controlling?