[byfnvy]

Ok, so background.. I've been si'ing since 2005, used to post here in 2010. I eventually left since I felt unable to give support and didn't want to ask for any in that case, though I also joined another forum right after, though not about SI. I was able to stop just this June when I opened myself up to loving someone (who became my best friend). After I told him I loved him, I didn't want to hurt myself anymore. I would just imagine how worried he would be about me. Since June, I've had two relapses, one in October, and one just today, both involving fights with my dad as a trigger. We normally have a good relationship, but he tends to raise his voice and seem like shouting when he's arguing something, and I tend to get frustrated with him and lose my temper, which I hate.

I just did one cut today. I was crying so much all the way to work (he drives me). When I got there, I went straight to the bathroom and cried some more and texted my best friend about what happened. I had been thinking about going to the clinic, wanting to ask to see a psychiatrist or something. I feel so helpless with controling my emotions. I did go to the clinic right after, at least just for my cut. I've never done anything like that before, I would just let it be, or just wash away the blood (I don't cut deep though). I showed the nurse my cut, and she asked where I got it, and I said "cutter", and she deduced from there and asked me more questions. I found it hard to explain why I do it, and felt like I misled her and she got the wrong idea about what the underlying issue was, but she suggested I talk with someone in HR who had counseling experience. She was really nice to me and let me sleep in the clinic the whole morning to rest before I went up to report to work. I felt a bit bad, like I was taking up time and resources over a trivial matter. She treated it really seriously though. I just feel like crying right now.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by byfnvy

both involving fights with my dad as a trigger. ...he tends to raise his voice and seem like shouting when he's arguing something, and I tend to get frustrated with him and lose my temper, which I hate.

To explore this ^ would be really good. Your dad gets you going? Why do you hate losing your temper? I think that you can work through this and figure out exactly why your dad triggers you. If you understand what is going on, you won't be a "victim" to it and won't be lost in it and, then, won't get so upset about it.

Originally Posted by byfnvy

I feel so helpless with controling my emotions.

The key is to understand, not to control so much.

[byfnvy]

Originally Posted by Sannah

To explore this ^ would be really good. Your dad gets you going? Why do you hate losing your temper? I think that you can work through this and figure out exactly why your dad triggers you. If you understand what is going on, you won't be a "victim" to it and won't be lost in it and, then, won't get so upset about it.

The key is to understand, not to control so much.

I hate the way I react. Sometimes I catch myself and try to keep calm, but it's too late and I've already offended him or something and he won't let it go. He's quite firm with stuff and it's hard for me to argue with him. I decided some time ago to just agree/pretend to agree with him all the time, but sometimes I forget and try to get my point across or defend myself. A lot of the time, I feel something like he thinks I want to be bad, or that I don't regret it, then he mocks me and emphasizes what I did wrong and I hate that so much. On my part, I find it difficult to apologize, which I guess may be why he thinks that way.

[Sannah]

It is okay to agree to disagree. You two don't have to agree. Trying to convince someone of your point can be exhausting. I never do it. People can believe me or not. If they choose not to, fine.

Sounds like it is a power struggle for you two? This is another waste of energy.

[byfnvy]

Originally Posted by Sannah

It is okay to agree to disagree. You two don't have to agree. Trying to convince someone of your point can be exhausting. I never do it. People can believe me or not. If they choose not to, fine.

Sounds like it is a power struggle for you two? This is another waste of energy.

I'll try to keep this in mind. It gets frustrating sometimes and I guess I put too much importance on being right. Thanks Sannah

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by byfnvy

I guess I put too much importance on being right.

Sounds like you learned it from your dad?

[Sam2]

Originally Posted by byfnvy

Ok, so background.. I've been si'ing since 2005, used to post here in 2010. I eventually left since I felt unable to give support and didn't want to ask for any in that case, though I also joined another forum right after, though not about SI. I was able to stop just this June when I opened myself up to loving someone (who became my best friend). After I told him I loved him, I didn't want to hurt myself anymore. I would just imagine how worried he would be about me. Since June, I've had two relapses, one in October, and one just today, both involving fights with my dad as a trigger. We normally have a good relationship, but he tends to raise his voice and seem like shouting when he's arguing something, and I tend to get frustrated with him and lose my temper, which I hate.

I just did one cut today. I was crying so much all the way to work (he drives me). When I got there, I went straight to the bathroom and cried some more and texted my best friend about what happened. I had been thinking about going to the clinic, wanting to ask to see a psychiatrist or something. I feel so helpless with controling my emotions. I did go to the clinic right after, at least just for my cut. I've never done anything like that before, I would just let it be, or just wash away the blood (I don't cut deep though). I showed the nurse my cut, and she asked where I got it, and I said "cutter", and she deduced from there and asked me more questions. I found it hard to explain why I do it, and felt like I misled her and she got the wrong idea about what the underlying issue was, but she suggested I talk with someone in HR who had counseling experience. She was really nice to me and let me sleep in the clinic the whole morning to rest before I went up to report to work. I felt a bit bad, like I was taking up time and resources over a trivial matter. She treated it really seriously though. I just feel like crying right now.

Hi. I'm jumping on this wagon a little late, but figured it couldn't hurt. The fact that you went to a nurse and told her what you did says you are at least in part, ready to get help. Since in the past, you had just let it go, your actions this time sound like a step in the right direction. Its hard to talk about things that cause you so much pain. Especially when you don't know the person and aren't sure what they will do with the information. Maybe the next step is to find a therapist and start talking about the things that are triggers for your SI. You don't have to tell them that you are a cutter right off the bat, and your emotional pain is a valid reason to seek out a therapist. As you get more comfortable, you can then bring up where your pain takes you. You might feel a little safer if you didn't think you had to spill your guts the first thing out.

As far as feeling like you shouldn't post because you don't feel you can help anyone, there are a couple things for you to think about. First, the forum is here so that people can get support. Giving support back is nice, but if you can't do that yet, don't let it keep you from coming here.

Secondly, you don't have to have the answers to other people's problems in order to help them. A lot of times, just knowing that there is someone else out there going through the same thing is help in itself. You have more to offer than you think, and when you are ready, all you really need to do is let another poster know that you understand. You'd be surprised at how far that can go.

Although society's attitude toward emotional or psychiatric illnesses has come a long way, people still feel afraid that they will be judged. Especially if what is hurting you inside is outside the realm of most people's understanding. No one here will judge you. Although our reasons for SI and methods vary, it comes from the same place. From deep pain, inside where we are most vulnerable. I'm glad you decided to come back to this forum. You should never have to face so much pain alone.

Sam2