Hurting...

I used to cut myself on the wrists during my middle school and high school years. Then, I stopped for two years, and now I am tempted to cut myself again. I feel more like a failure every day! Plus, my future seems hopeless to me. I am panicking and scared. And it seems like the only relief would be to turn my emotional pain into physical pain. I was always calmer after sobbing and cutting myself. No one ever knew; everyone thought I was fine. They were happier when I cut myself. I have nowhere to vent now, so I talk about it, and people think I am a burden or freak. I should start cutting again. It keeps my mouth shut. But at the same time, I want to end this habit for good.

Listen, cutting will not solve anything. I've been a cutter for a while and I stopped because it hurts my friends and family more than it hurt me. I know that's Cliché, but it's true. Nothing will get better if you cut. You are literally tearing your life apart. Every time you cut it rips your life a little more. Don't cut. Find something better to do. Cut up an apple into little pieces and eat it when you're done. Vent on this site or vent to my private messages. I would be happy to help.

I see in your user name you like butterflies. Try the Butterfly Project best wishes to you

Is therapy an option for you?

I am still stopping myself from cutting. Instead, I just hit myself as hard as I can using the boniest part of my fists. That way, it doesn't leave evidence, and no one will ever know. Plus, I am such a failure that I deserve the pain. I just can't let anyone know. I can't mention therapy otherwise everyone will be ashamed of me. All the people around me believe that if a person thinks about death, something is mentally wrong with him or her. I mentioned dying once, and then I felt ostracized by everyone, even myself. There was a lot of drama concerning this in my house. And I cannot live through my family, teachers, and friends being ashamed of me again! It was a week of hell. It was hard to breathe, sleep, and eat. Things are better now. So, I've decided to stay with beating myself secretly as an alternative to cutting.

No. Definitely not. It would create more tension and more problems for me. I've never taken therapy, and if I start now, everyone will be ashamed and disappointed in me. They will think that I am an individual who couldn't deal with her own stupid issues. I am serious. All my friends are extremely intelligent and talented; I am a failure compared to them. They can't understand me.

I understand wanting to feel pain because you think you deserve it. But you don't. Why do you think you deserve to hurt?
I know what you mean by "therapy isn't an option" I'm in the same situation. But you do need to help yourself my not cutting or hitting or doing harm to yourself.

I want you to do something. The next time you are going to hurt yourself, think about why you deserve it. Write it down, make a list. Then go back when you aren't upset and read the list. See how illogical the reasons are.

You don't deserve to hurt. I'm not very knowing when it comes to God. But I do know one thing. Jesus DIED so you didn't have to hurt.

Message me. Let me know what I can do for you. I completely understand the situation you are in.

How did you know that family, friends and teachers were ashamed of you?

I knew because my parents tried so hard to pretend nothing ever happened. They told me that it was all in my imagination and to never mention depression again. Also, they worried that people might think there was something wrong with me. Plus, my teachers and counselors ostracized me for a while. I felt like I had committed a crime. And my friends only like me when I am complimenting everyone and smiling, smiling quietly in the corner.