[amanda1624]

When my mom found out that I cut, she said, "how could you do something so stupid?" and then she cried. When my dad saw cuts on my arm when he came into my room to talk to me, he gave me a look that I will never forget. It was a painful mixture of disgust and fear. Then he walked out of the room. My therapist has helped me come up with alternatives. Everyone else thinks it's in the past. Seems like stopping would be the reasonable thing to do.
But everything is a trigger. I have scars on my knuckles from where I burnt them with a lit match and I have scars tracking up my arm and on my legs, hidden by my clothes. So every time I see these parts of my body my mind flashes back to the moments that caused the scars and my stomach twists into a knot because I know it'll happen again and that I don't mind that it will happen again, completely. Lots of unintentional words from friends can turn into triggers and pictures and when I pass the razor blade section in the store or when I walk into my room and start thinking about what I did to myself in there for the past few years etc etc etc the list goes on.
Don't get me wrong, I have tried other things. I have tried running, I have tried writing, I have tried punching a pillow. The classic alternative suggestions. But do they really work for anyone, or is that just crap that people say in hopes that it'll let you get by without cutting? Sometimes it took the edge off, but that's it. The desire doesn't seem to fade away. This is so messed up.

[Willowleaf]

I know just what you mean but I have found in the past the more I worry like you the more I do it. The scars are a permanent reminder. But I also know that the more I worked on stuff generally, not focussing on the sh it did get better. My t always agreed it was a coping strategy and although not a great one it got me through some difficult times. My advantage is that I am considerably older than you and no one has ever found out apart from t.
I want to reassure you but am not great with words, but don't beat yourself up about it. You can only do your best and I've time I'm sure it will decrease but its almost impossible to just stop dead as the triggers are all still there. Just know you aren't alone. You are working on it and people who haven't ever done it can't understand what leads us to do it. It sounds like you're working really hard so try not to be too hard on yourself

[GirlOfManyFaces]

Listen, I am/was a cutter. I've stopped for the time being. And I'm going to be completely honest with you... All those coping methods are crap. None of them have ever worked for me. I just tell people they work so they will drop the subject. I've been in deep depressing for a long while. And I cut the whole time.

Everybody wanted me to stop. And I don't get why they care what I do. I never liked cutting because it was the new thing to do. I liked it because it was fun to me. I like the scars. (Yep I'm weird) but no person could make me stop. I had no reason to. Until now. If I was going to stop, it was going to be because I wanted to. Not because somebody told me to.

I'm not saying cutting is a good thing. I am definitely not saying that. I'm just saying the people don't understand the crappy life some of us have to deal with. And they just judge you by your battle scars.

Don't feel like you have to hurt yourself any more. Message me if you need anything. We can talk through it. If you want.

Or you can just tell me about what you like about cutting. Just talk to me

Stay strong

[Sannah]

Hi Amanda, is your T helping you work on the issues that are causing your urges to SI?

[ickydog2006]

Do the alternative suggestions help? Yes, to an extent. The do take a bit of the edge off, even if it seems insanely miniscule. They also mean that those few minutes that are spent doing those other things are minutes you are not cutting.
Do the urges decrease with time? Yes, to an extent. I didn't see any real improvement to urges until I had been clean for about two years. And like you said everything was a trigger. My pencil, pen, staplers, scissors, kitchen knives, candles, the list truly is endless. I couldn't even use those visualization techniqies of imagining you are on a beach or in your favorite place because I was instantly drawn to the triggers there. I didn't feel safe form myself anywhere. After a couple years I got some relief when I was in teachers offices, where I felt it would be a betrayal to cut because it was their space. And I didn't crave every second of everyday. Backtrack to the first few months I had quit, I spent every night puking my guts out till I didn't have the energy to get pills so I wouldn't attempt suicide again. I couldn't use scissors or knives in the kitchen. Some days were so triggering I had to completely stay out of the kitchen and not let myself be alone. Sorry, I'll have to continue this post later, kid just puked everywhere, back to mom duty.

[ickydog2006]

Okay, lets see if I can finish this... sorry again...

Moving to year five clean, horrible, cravings were awful, mainly because at that time I was having halucinations mostly dealing with blood. And five seemed like it should be a significant milestone, and if anything it felt like I was back at a year clean. The problem is, even if you work through the main causes of the initial SI, your brain still remembers the immediate, although temporary, but powerful relief it brought. So anytime something in life happens, especially if we have no control over it and upsets us, we are inclined to go to SI to help. I have seven years clean now. In the last two years I've still had to have my husband remove all pills from the house during particularly tough times, he has had to physically restrain me, and there are plenty of nights that I have had to wrap my wrists so that I can sleep, because having them there right next to me is too much. I can't allow myself to think long term, because it is still hard to imagine that I will be able to resist forever, but if you had told me that I would make it seven years at anytime between 0 and 5, I would have cried and told you you were crazy.
Those strategies help us focus on one step at a time. I have gotten to the point of counting to two seconds over and over telling myself that I made it two seconds, I could make it another two seconds. I spent day after day planned 15 minutes at a time, (ex. if I'm still craving after 15 minutes of tv, I'll jounal for 15 minutes, if I'm still craving after 15 minutes of journaling I'll call a friend for 15 minutes...). Is it fair that I may have these cravings the rest of my life? No. Is there any more I can do about it right now? Not really. Is my life better than it was? Definitely yes. I can control my reactions to others better; I'm not spending my time coming up with lie after lie. My now husband doesn't have to be in pain, spending every moment worrying that he might say something that sends me over the edge. I don't have to worry about losing my job from cutting (the last two jobs I had I would have lost if they had found out I was actively cutting). I don't have to listen to my dad crying outside my bathroom door begging me to not do anything. I don't have to fear blacking out from it and waking in a pool of blood. I don't have to worry about what part of my body I will accidently cause permanent damage to.
I hope this helps bring some clarity to the situation. If you have any questions feel free to message me, or look at some of my other posts.