*****Trigger******

For those who have had thoughts of suicide or attempted , do you even know why? Like can you put your finger on a reason? What makes one go from thought to action? Did you really think there was a chance you may die? Just some questions I am looking for input on. Thank you in advance.

[AngelWolf3]

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I know back when I was SEVERELY depressed, I don't really know why, I don't think ...(it was like 10 years ago) I do remember being at a convention and we were housed on the 12th floor of a hotel and that was hard because I kept picturing,...well you know.

I know the URGE to die was STRONGLY there, along with some other times. I was really drawn eerily to windows in high up places, and then would get a panic attack, so I think deep down, I knew there was a chance I would do it but was Afraid, so therefore wouldn't follow through. Even though I pictured it and longed for the supposed peace it would bring.

I don't know, though, like I said I haven't had suicide thoughts in a while now, so I was just pulling from what I can remember, since it was so intense. So I guess I didn't really go from thought to action. But I imagined it quite often, and wanted it.

In the end, I am glad I stuck around.............................................

Hope this answers a bit for you?

[shlump]

My thoughts and putting plans together always center around the "fact" that I am hurting people by existing.

I get to a place where I can only see my future as taking from those that I love. I desperately do not want to ever do that to anyone.

I've come to be able to tell myself to wait. It does not go away and I do 'fantasize" about plans and put a date in mind.

LUCKILY I have usually found myself somewhere else emotionally on that date or do not have the opportunity to follow through with enough time to actually be sure it would be over.

I also have an intense fear that I would do it wrong, survive, and lose everything meaningful in my life.

I have not gone to action. I think the only reason for this is that I am responsible for someone else.

It's always the worst during a mixed episode, BP, and thankfully I cycle out of these pretty quickly.

Are you feeling safe right now? Will you go to the ER if you are not?

Please do, if you need to.

People love you, want to help, and sure as heck want to keep you in their lives.

Originally Posted by shlump

Are you feeling safe right now? Will you go to the ER if you are not?

Please do, if you need to.

People love you, want to help, and sure as heck want to keep you in their lives.

Yes I am safe and fine. I had an attempt last week. Obviously I survived and yes it hurt my loved ones, this was the first time in probably 18 year that I attempted and I can't pin point an exact why.

If you have the proclivity to commit suicide, forgetting to pick up the dry cleaning is reason, enough.

[shlump]

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

Yes I am safe and fine. I had an attempt last week. Obviously I survived and yes it hurt my loved ones, this was the first time in probably 18 year that I attempted and I can't pin point an exact why.

Maybe not knowing why is a sign or part of the desperation you felt. If you could see a why in there you may not have gone as far as you did.

Why's and reasons can be dealt with, sometimes.

Do you have "why" for being alive today?

Have you seen things since that brought you even a small bit of meaning or peace?

Can you try to hold onto these things?

[Sannah]

Lola, I have been wondering about you lately. I hadn't seen much activity from you on the psychotherapy forum. I hope things improve for you. Let me know if I can do anything to help.

Thank you Sannah, I think things are going to be fine moving forward. Thanks.

[Willowleaf]

I just want things to stop. No other thoughts but its too much it has to stop. Hope you are ok and getting any support you need.

[healed84]

I have never attempted, but thoughts of it..

for me it really has to do with three things.. 1. Control- if my life feel too out of control, it seems like away to control it. 2. Peace- my life is filled with such dissonce, frustration, and dissagreement (even within myself) that it seems like a good away to drown it all out. 3. The idea that people just put up with me, so why stick around?

I am not what exactly is the breaking point for me. However, those are all of the things I precieve I will have if I ever did decided to go through with it.

[eskielover]

Interesting because I have been thinking about why I did it.....the many times I tried back in the 1990's when my depression was so bad.

During the time I made all the attempts (obviously I wasn't successful or I wouldn't be posting now), I thought it was because I lost my identity as the firmware engineer when the aerospace industry fell apart & I couldn't get a job in my career any longer at only the age of 43. My whole goals in life was to have a career.....I didn't care about anything else & I thought the attempts were because of that even though I knew I wasn't happy in my marriage either. Those years were between 1994 & 2000. I just knew I didn't want to live any longer & I didn't even think or plan.....I just did when I would get to the point I wanted out of life (even though my daughter was still in high school).

Fast forward to 2007.....my mother had died in 2005....I went through a trauma with the home care person just before that. It took me a year to be able to get back in her house after that & get it sold....but I took MY inheritance being the only child & only family & left my husband 2100 miles away to a place where I didn't know anyone.

The freedom I feel, the peace I feel, the happiness I feel, I have been able to look back at that time in a light I hadn't seen before & even though I knew I was in a bad marriage & had been since 1975, I didn't realize how trapped I felt & every time I talked about divorce, I realize I was manipulated into staying & couldn't in the rest of the mental state I was in deal with fighting through the divorce. Realized later from a comment I remember, my H didn't want the divorce because he would feel like a failure......but I realize now that it was that trapped feeling that I wanted to escape from & at the time, death seemed like the only way out of that trap. Why it took me all these years to figure that out is beyond me????

Strange thing is that growing up, I couldn't swollow pills, & now I can't swollow pills.....but I sure could during those years. Just thankful that God sad me through that bad time of my life....because the life I have now is so wonderful....even living alone is wonderful & I have friends that I never had before.....it's like a whole new life....something I never could have imagines could exist at that time when everything looked so black.

Strange that no thinking, no planning, nothing went into the attempts....then just immediately happened & if my pdoc had my meds controlled, I would just find some other kind......I was definitely a mess. Hard to imagine that my daughter doesn't hate me after all she went through during those years.....but she's very special & I love her. We aren't close but there's no anger or hatred on her part toward me & we communicate on her terms through the texting that she likes.

Thankful for the life I have now & that I survived through those dark years. I could have never seen this possibility of life then....but I really wish I had been able to see the why & been able to express it to others so they could have understood also....I might have support if I had to have been able to take the action I need to in order to free myself from that marriage & the situation I felt trapped in.

The times I left weren't enough to really understand how bad my trapped feeling was at that time.....not until I ended up 2100 miles away was I able to see the truth, the reality of my emotions

[nicoleb2]

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

*****Trigger******

For those who have had thoughts of suicide or attempted , do you even know why? Like can you put your finger on a reason? What makes one go from thought to action? Did you really think there was a chance you may die? Just some questions I am looking for input on. Thank you in advance.

At the time of my last attempt, I knew in my mind that I was never going to get any better, and I couldn't continue to be such a burden to my family.

I really did plan to die that night. I od'd in a big way, I don't remember anything after that. I woke up in the hospital a couple days later, on a respirator, unable to speak and be understood, and my body totally out of my control.

Reminding myself of how I felt that second, when I woke up and had no control, feeling locked in my body is why I have not attempted again. I have certainly wanted to, but I got help instead.

Thank you Eskie and Nicole, your stories both brought me some clarity.

[ickydog2006]

trigger... duh

I have attempted three times, but I think I was only really serious and commited to the action once. All three times were initially triggered by the same thing. I realized my cutting had gotten out of control and God was not willing to guide me if I was going to just ignore Him. Thus, I tried to quit, but had nothing to replace it with. I felt (thought I knew at the time) that I would never be able to live without my blade. The first time I tried I od'd but forced myself to throw up everything immediatly after. 'Like God would be okay with attempted suicide, screw it, I might as well just keep cutting until it eventually kills me'. The second time I quit cutting was pretty much the same, except at that time I also had an extreme hatred towards my mother. She was an addict and although she was living at home, she was never there. She was either working or getting high and I couldn't understand how she could choose drugs over me. Was I really that worthless. (I now understand and try to have compassion, yes she is completely screwed up, although been better lately, but it wasn't without reason, she was shaped by her past and genetics and I don't know that I would've faired any better if I had been in her place. Top that off with a now better understanding of the power of addiction and how it has nothing to do with the worth of anything else, I don't blame her anymore, but its still hard, sorry tangent). Anyways, I wanted her and everyone else to know that my pain was directed towards her, so I stole her gun in the middle of the night and went into her car. I'd never shot a gun before so I honestly don't know if I even could use it, but I fell asleep there with the gun in hand and woke up freezing cold at around 3am, and went inside. The third attempt was a calculated carefully planned endeavor. Having come to the conclussion that I was never going to be able to be happy in life (with cutting had become nearly unbearable, all the lies, running out of skin, causing permanent damage, knowing it would hurt anyone who ever dared to love me. Without cutting, the constant panic, ocd, waking up ev ery morning knowing there was no relief ever in sight). I selectively chose different meds from mostly my mothers stash. I was and still am so scared that I will try and fail, but was also scared of being awake for the process. I chose varying amounts of different things, my goal being to fall asleep before everything else hit. Needless to say, it didn't work, well the first part did anyway. I did fall asleep, I hadn't planned on waking up puking my guts out though. Not pleasant. I was so thankful that no one in my family ever found out what happened. Right now, my life is pretty close to perfect, but I still don't feel happy, maybe a glimpse every now and then, but nothing is really wrong. There's nothing I would want to change, except how my brain feels about things. It's part of the reason I stay in therapy, I call it preventative maintenance. It helps keep me on track when things do go wrong and try to push me over, or when my brain decides to go on a particularly psychotic train of thought. I need someone I can be completely open with and can bounce thoughts off of for accuracy, logic, and reality. I still contemplate it a lot, but I try to focus on knowing that God has a purpose for me, and He loves me, and He wouldn't allow this pain for no reason, although I may never be the one to see the results. My hope is that when my purpose is complete He will take me home. I know it sounds kind of morbid, but the thought of being alive for a long time is completely overwhelming. I wake up knowing that my brain will never feel the pain of life is worth being able to live. I know it's hard for many to understand how I can have such assurance that there is a loving God and that Jesus came and died so we can have eternal life, if we are willing to accept it, where there will be no more pain and suffering, and we will be transformed and made perfect. But I do have faith in that, and like I said, my only hope lies in it, and what He did is worth my obedience and sacrifice (yes, I consider living to be a sacrifice). I hope this all made sense.

["Tilly may"]

it was because i felt trapped

I get the trapped feeling, loss of all hope, no direction, rock and a hard place. But logically I see that this isn't true, its emotionally that I felt trapped.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

its emotionally that I felt trapped.

This is where it is most important.