the slippery slope

I freaked out the other day when asked to sign a safety contract... I promised to try other things before cutting... I lied. I didn't want to try anything else, I just did it. Now it's again all I want to do and all I think about. I'm mad at myself but it's more for signing that stupid thing. I'm kinda mad at my T for having me sign it, because I was ok without doing it till he brought that thing up... or maybe I wasn't. I don't know. In my heart I'm panicking that he will kick me out or give me some ultimatum... but that is only if I tell him. I know I likely won't bring it up, but I can't lie to his face if he asks...

I'm scared because if my wife finds out, she will freak out. And I have no one to talk to about it... the weekend is coming, so I will be even more without resources... I hate this so much. I hate that I have to wait to build up trust again. I hate that I have warring parts of myself that are constantly doing battle. I hate that I ever picked up cutting. I hate that I have been so close to it lately, and that I gave in yesterday. I hate... me. I'm just so angry that I don't know how to express what I need to in a way that is meaningful and safe. I am floundering, and I have nowhere to turn. I know he gave me a list of resources, but I don't trust any of them, and I can't talk to my wife because she will be so mad at me. it was just a tiny cut. you can't even see it... but it's that I did it, and that is bad enough. It leads to worse things, and I really don't want that... and I feel SO lost... SO alone... My heart races with thinking that anyone will find out, but part of it is that maybe then they would be able to find a way to help me. They will never accidentally see it, I'm too careful. I would have to tell them. I want to ask for more help with this, but I don't know how. I don't want the cutting to be a way for me to get help. I want to keep from doing it again. I want to be able to have enough supports around that I don't resort to that. I want it to not feel so inviting and comforting.

How do you make it stop being so damn comforting?!

Why is the care I get after cutting the only kind of care that feels real? I know I'm loved (and hate it sometimes because it would be so much easier to fade away if I wasn't), but why is it that the only time I FEEL it is when a stranger has to take care of me? when I feel so violated because I have no freedom and no choice anymore? ugh!!!! MAKE IT STOP!!!!! Make it not be a viable option anymore. please!!

I get lost in the addiction of it, and suddenly the trauma and the PTSD symptoms go away because they are over-shadowed by the craving to damage myself as badly on the outside as I am on the inside... and the high is GREAT... and it's all-consuming... I ****ing hate it! but I love it too, because it does make other things less of an issue...

I wish insight made it easier to battle. I wish having the knowledge of all it does and does not do could lessen the struggle... and i wish I had someone to talk to about it all...

You put this very eloquently. I was thinking very similarly last night. I don't have words of wisdom, but I thank you for your post. (I know that doesn't help at all. But Thanking you the all the same).

MdngtRain, i think that it would be a good idea to share these things with your T. i don't think he'll be upset with you. he'll be able to help you better if he has the whole picture. can you tell him that having you sign a contract is not helping you?

as for not telling your wife, i see why you don't want her to know. maybe you could tell her how down you've been feeling and needing to feel supported. you don't have to tell that you cut, but could you talk to her about the feelings that lead up to the si?

thanks for posting this, you hit the nail on the head on this one. i can really relate to many of the things you said. i wish cutting wasn't such a viable option to "fix" things.

hugs and you are NOT alone. stay strong!

--Sam

The little damaged kid in me cries and feels terrified. She can’t shake the memories of the past, and the feelings they bring up. Being here again brings them up so much more (but below the surface, where I have no real conscious recognition of it)… only they have no basis, so she has to give them a reason for being there… because why would she feel so scared with nothing there but ghosts? my head takes over and screams out the urges and makes them so damn strong that they take over for the fear and the memories and the pain… and now we need something to be legit about all that, so hurting me would make it real, would give it a reason for being… it would be a validation of having a real reason to feel so horrible… and in that skewed little way of hers, that little girl thinks that the only real love comes from pain and fear and abuse… so we recreate it whenever we can… because it just feels right. That feeling of peace is not possible here, because all the memories are of chaos and terror and… pain greater than words can express…

I so hate this. I hate that I can know all this, but can’t switch that dissociation on again and keep it contained until it’s safe to deal with… right now, alone, it is not at all safe to deal with…

I don't see my T again till Wednesday... there's a whole lot of time between now and then. I'm totally lost and drowning in all this. And I let my wife read my blog entry, which was a modified form of my previous post (took out the admission of slipping up). She wonders why I think she would be mad... Part of me wishes I could tell her, but the louder part stays quiet. I doubt I will be able to tell D about it either, tho I won't lie if he asks, I just won't say anything...

I've been listening to a song on YouTube all night, it's quite fitting. It's called Start Over by Macklemore & Ryan Lewis... about relapsing while in recovery... tho it is about alcohol, I can so relate...

I think it's time for bed now... night

All of this ^ would be great to share with T. And I agree with Sam to tell your T that the contract doesn't help. Do you realize that you don't have to sign it? Working on the reasons that you SI is what is going to help.

Maybe there is some fear of intimacy going on here? You will only allow a stranger to get close in small doses because this is the only kind of closeness that feels safe?

no... it felt like I had to or... I don't even know what...


<--- yes... because I'm too scary... everyone that has seen the inside of the darkness says that, even my wife, who I now try to hide the darkest points from... she doesn't deserve all that. no one does...

Can you discuss this with her?

A T can handle this. You can work through this issue with your T.

I will try to bring it up with him... I'm sure we will at least touch on it next session because we ended on such a panic note last week... I was more grounded at the end of the session, but I'm guessing he will want to talk about it when I'm not dissociating and panicked...

I might just put all of this into an email to myself so I can refer back to it when I see him... tho I have a bad habit of skipping the topics that make me feel most vulnerable, and this would qualify...

that scared little girl is back, and it's kinda scary because I associate her with being a protector... or the way I feel when I really need help and feel vulnerable. she is not an alter, just a different side of me that seems to only come out when I really need something... ugh...

You can take your time revealing stuff to your T. You don't have to lay yourself all bare at once.

She has probably been very helpful to you.

She has. She comes about when I am falling too hard... she seeks help when I'm too far gone... I can feel her closer now... that in itself is scary, because it means I'm falling farther than I had thought (or was in touch with). If she holds on tighter in the near future, I need to remember to tell my therapist... I don't want to dissociate that bad again, especially here...

I'm feeling frantic today. I should have done something positive yesterday to head it off, but I did not. So now I need to do something to alleviate it today. Maybe I will try collaging or drawing like I had thought about yesterday... listening to music inn my own little world. Maybe I can head this off before it gets worse. I just have to make it through to tomorrow at 2:30 when I see my therapist again... I can do this. I just have to keep telling myself that. And I have to keep reading out when I need it... just have to, to keep SJ safe. I hate scaring her... :/