[Dreamer11]

So I've been thinking about this for a while but held off saying anything because I've been nervous. I don't know how many of you are like this, but I'm one of those people who secretly stashes things to hurt myself with later. I'm usually pretty conflicted about it, which puts me in this cycle of stashing something, feeling ashamed, throwing it away and desperately scrambling for a replacement item. Sadly, I've been like this for a few years. There's just something comforting about having a sharp object nearby even if I end up throwing it out before I use it. I like the security of knowing I can slink off to my hidden stash and deal with my emotions quickly and quietly if need be. I don't want to ever have to go searching for something sharp in front of other people when I'm desperate. It's just always been a big deal to me to keep the act itself hidden, even if I tell somebody about it later.

But I'm so determined to beat this idea that self-injury is the old friend I can always turn to when no one / nothing seems like it can help! I really don't want it in my life. I would rather learn to deal with my problems than cut my way through them, otherwise they'll always be there...they'll always come back to haunt me. I know I will still make mistakes, but I want to try. Heck, I know I can't even fix everything in my life that bothers me, but I want to learn to live with everything the best I can. I want my pain to only be a part of my life instead of what defines me.

As of March 1st, I've officially hit my half year mark since the last time I hurt myself. The few people who know I even struggle with this issue think I must have successfully kicked the habit if I've gone without it that long. They don't know I still have something stashed for just in case...that when I go off to be by myself and sort through my thoughts, I sometimes run it across my skin and dare myself for hours to push harder. Despite not self-injuring for a half year, I realize I'm not truly moving beyond it if I keep it handy as the emergency backup plan in my head.

I don't know to get rid of craving it when I feel badly, but I think the next step to get healthier is to get rid of my stash I've been holding onto for 6 months. Honestly, just typing that makes me scared. It's going to be hard not to go searching to create a new stash. I don't know what I'm going to do instead whenever things get tough. Probably try to convince myself that posting on here will help.

I'd rather not do this by myself. If there are any other stashers out there who are tired of feeling like they're not whole unless they have something nearby, please consider giving it a try. It would be great to throw out our stashes together and be able to encourage each other on this thread. I am going to try to summon the nerve to throw mine away by 7pm EST tomorrow. I will be online around that time to post on here and talk with anyone who wants to. Or feel free to PM me if you don't want to talk about it openly. I hope I won't be alone...

[Sam2]

Hi.
I don't think you stash is an unusual thing for cutters to have. I aways did. Its been two years for me, and there are still times that are really tough. People have different ways of cutting, from several more superficial cuts to exremely deep, deadly cuts. I tend to be very violent with mine. Sometimes I don't remember even having the thought just prior to the attack.

I don't know if this would help you, but if there is someone that you could give your stash to, it would give them a head's up. Also, since there is often some shame involved with doing what we do, giving your stash to someone might make you feel embarrssed to cut again. That doesn't mean that cutting is a shameful thing, but it can act as a deterant.

Prior to my last set of cuts two years ago, I had gone many years without cutting. I tought it was in the past, then a set of events happened that made me feel trapped, and that was it. The last time almost killed me. Literally. Since then, I give sharp objects that I may fixate on to a friend. That way, she knows there is a problem brewing, and it keeps me from cutting.

You've figured out that cutting really doesn't help you problems. At best, it just covers one and distracts you. Its like being an alcoholic. Or any addict for that matter. Knowing that you can stop the pain temporarily is often so tempting, it over rides our determination not to cut. Its not your friend. It only pretends to be until you suddenly find out that its become a behavior beyond your control. Like an addict, your drug (cutting), begins to help less and less at the severity you are using. It starts taking more and deeper cuts to give you the same temporary relief. The best thing you can do is seek professional help to stop as soon as you can. The longer you wait, the more difficult it will become. I do understand not wanting to give up your "drug' and also not wanting to admit how obssessive your mind can get with it, but if you want to emerge from this a well person, I don't see an option.

Please get yourself some help. You really don't want someone to find you on the floor having bled out, or lose a limb due to secondary complications of a cut that went too deep. Being careful with your cuts won't help you. Sooner or later, the odds say that you will seriously injure yoursef if not wind up dead.

Sam2

[grey_aj]

Dreamer11: I feel the same way, I guess. I don't really have a stash, but there is one thing that I always use that I keep in some obscure drawer. I actually forgot where I put it a while back, which was a good thing until I accidentally stumbled upon it again. Now I keep it someplace I know and I haven't used it in a long time, but I am still aware of its existence... I suppose it really is like something I can fall back on in case of dire emergency, and that's a comforting thought in a twisted way.

If the object has been in the back of my mind and in the drawer as unconscious back-up this whole time, then I haven't been better. And not being better when I thought I was scares me. Because if I haven't been better this whole time when I actually thought I had kicked the habit, then part of me is thinking, "what's the point?" Like, what's the point in me trying to reject SI if I wasn't well in the first place?

I know this all sounds very negative and everything, but it's been a really really crappy week. I just can't bring myself to throw the object away even though I know that I should. The only thing keeping me from SI right now is my new year's resolution, but other than that, I really need to hear a reason not to.

Thanks for the suggestion though, Dreamer11. I KNOW that I need to throw the thing away, I really do, but it's hard!

- AJ

PS. How'd it go for you? I hope it went well

[Dreamer11]

Well, it took me 2 hours to convince myself to actually throw out the stuff. I went about 4 1/2 hours before I grabbed more stuff to stash away. Ah well. I guess it's a start. Whenever I try this again, I'll probably push myself to go at least a whole day without having a stash instead of trying to give up stashing altogether. I might have done myself in by setting my ambitions unrealistically high. Then again, I thought it would take me at least a day before I'd feel like going and grabbing replacements. I probably won't try it again for a while. But I realize that it still needs to happen. Soon.