first time in a long time...

i'd gone something like at least 4 months w/out self-harm until today. i'd come close many times before and i have felt the urge a lot but it figured there's no point anymore b/c it doesn't make my pain go away in the long run. but for some reason today i was just feeling kind of spaced-out and blank and numb so i just thought ok, damnit i going to self-harm, i'm going to do it. so i went to the bathroom and i didn't have a decent instrument to do it with, only my navel ring and it's not completely healing yet so i can't take that out and my fingernails are too short to scratch properly. so i used the metal bit in my watch and dung it in my skin and twisted it around and dragged it along really slow and hard. i left quite deep scratchs as i can still see the red marks now. i left relief and focus for about 20 minutes or so, but then the urge just came back. but i didn't do it the second time, i've had enough for now. i don't really understand why i did it, i just hope i don't do it again. i'm confused, sometimes i'm happy but i just can't seem to shake these old habits.

What were you doing/thinking or what happened before you started feeling spaced out and blank and numb?

i can't remember exactly, i was studying but i wasn't concentrating to well, i was stressing about all the work i had to catch up on. i had also been considering a conversation i had yesterday with someone when they told me to stop putting myself down and doubting myself b/c i was better than that. it was nice for them to say that but it definitely hit a nerve, i felt angry at myself and sad for feeling inadequate half the time.

Those sound like some powerful feelings. Maybe you could journal about these things that you have mentioned. That way you can work some of them out, so that maybe they won't catch you off guard so easily out of the blue. It also helps to contain them. Then they are not as overwhelming. Nice work, identifying those things.

(((((((((((((( zombiette )))))))))))))))